Daily Laugh

[Ian Pethick]

With the sad passing of Ian St John yesterday, good time to remember the famous piece of graffiti that appeared outside a Liverpool Church as a response to a poster in the 1960's.

"What will you do when Jesus comes to Liverpool?"

"Move St John to inside right and play 4-3-3!"

RIP Saint.

 

[panda]

I have a phobia about German sausages. I fear the wurst.

[Bruegel the Elder]

I thought that I’d share this offering from the letters page in The Times today:

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one!

[Billy Davies]

The most difficult job i ever had was selling Doors, door to door. It was slightly harder than selling hearing aids door to door!!! I also had a job as a set designer but i got sacked on my first day. I left without making a scene. My current boss has stated that he is going to sack the person with the worst posture in the firm. I have a hunch it maybe me!!

[Billy Davies]

If life gives you Melons you may be Dyslexic!!!!!

[Paul Collings]

i spotted this on a fb page and it lightened a bit of a grim day.

The Devon & Cornwall music festival has been cancelled - they couldn't decide who to put on first - The Jam or Cream

[Ian Pethick]

A man, who is seriously ill and in intensive care, struggles out of bed, drags himself and drip across the road to the nearest pub. He then orders a double scotch, and downs it in one.

"With what I have got, I shouldn't have had that."

Barman (looking very concerned) , "What's that?"

"10 pence."

(With thanks to Barry Cryer).

 

 

[fenman]

Not really funny but I thought I'd post it  to show how bizarre some modern people are . 

A block of flats had to be evacuated in Norwich yesterday after  a flat caught fire .A young couple  had a candlelit party with a group of friends as a welcome party for their new kitten . Somehow one of the candles set fire to a curtain .

 

[fenman]

Just seen a snowman in Sainsbury's looking through the carrots. Think he was picking his nose.

Thanks to the recent storms, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week.

Due to the high winds, a bloke near us is having a garden sale tomorrow. He's got three trampolines, six patio chairs and four fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time.

And the gale blew the roof off a cheese factory in France. There's de brie everywhere.

My mate came top in a dungaree-wearing competition, so I suppose you could say he was the overall winner.

I just watched a horror film about a killer teabag. I was surprised it was only given a PG rating.

 

I've bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets. I'm hoping for a good return.

Been on the phone with this message: "Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute saxophone solo!"

My jacuzzi has been stolen. The police have said that when they catch the thieves they'll be in hot water

I'm a good ventriloquist , although I say it myself .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

1 hour ago, fenman said:

Just seen a snowman in Sainsbury's looking through the carrots. Think he was picking his nose.

Thanks to the recent storms, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week.

Due to the high winds, a bloke near us is having a garden sale tomorrow. He's got three trampolines, six patio chairs and four fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time.

And the gale blew the roof off a cheese factory in France. There's de brie everywhere.

My mate came top in a dungaree-wearing competition, so I suppose you could say he was the overall winner.

I just watched a horror film about a killer teabag. I was surprised it was only given a PG rating.

 

I've bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets. I'm hoping for a good return.

Been on the phone with this message: "Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute saxophone solo!"

My jacuzzi has been stolen. The police have said that when they catch the thieves they'll be in hot water

I'm a good ventriloquist , although I say it myself .

Smiled all the through them Fenman...very good buddy...lol

[We Two]

What a change and relief to find someone who has a sense of humour and lends you a smile to put on your face. Well done Fenman and have a Happy Christmas !

[fenman]

I've bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets. I'm hoping for a good return.

Been on the phone with this message: "Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute saxophone solo!"

My jacuzzi has been stolen. The police have said that when they catch the thieves they'll be in hot water.

'm bringing out a version of the Band Aid song called Duvet Know It's Christmas? It's a cover.

Just found out who's been stealing my beetroot. I caught them red handed.

My friend just bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

I once owned an apple pie company. It made a great turnover.

48 years ago today my mate was born on a canal barge. It was his berth day.

Someone’s replaced my passport photo with a picture of a seasonal fruit and marzipan cake. I think my identity’s been stollen.

I just got back from the Asda sale. Got a great bargain. Shopping trolley for £1.

Our local dentist is doing half price teeth cleaning this week. It's Plaque Friday.

Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley.

[fenman]

In order to rid myself of my disgust at the refereeing decisions in the premiership on Saturday I thought I would make the rest of you suffer by publishing these .

Why couldn't Mary and Joseph make a video call to the shepherds and Wise Men when baby Jesus was born? There was no Zoom at the Inn.

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.

ow does a Spanish sheep say Happy Christmas? Fleece Navidad.

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia.

My mate is opening a chain of Elvis-themed steak restaurants. It will be for people who love meat tender.

I asked my scuba diving instructor if I would pass the exam. He said: "Don't hold your breath."

A bloke I know went for a job interview and was asked to state his biggest weakness in three words. "Not very good at maths," he replied.

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently. They just kept bragging about how good they are at the game. There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

My books fell out of the bookcase. I only have my shelf to blame.

Breaking news: All Pirates have been asked to self isolate due to sudden increases in the Arrr rate.

I was surprised to learn that a new library had been built in our town. They kept that quiet.

I asked the ice cream man for an ice cream. “Hundreds and thousands?” he asked. "One will fine, thanks," I replied.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyoncé.

A mate of mine enjoys stretching elastic bands to the point just before they break. I told him to snap out of it.

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their battleships? So they can Scandinavian.

Never buy birdseed from Amazon. They always ask for their feed back.

[fenman]

I didn't realise that Sports personality of the year allowed 2 people from the same sport to be in THEIR  nominated 6  contenders . This year they've got Tom Daley  and Rahid Sterling  both are divers .

[Ian Pethick]

While out for a walk in the park, I encountered a frail looking, elderly man, sat on a bench weeping.

Me- What's the problem?

Old Man - I was sat here just thinking that after losing my beloved wife of 50 years, I have found love again with a woman 40 years younger than me.

Me - Sounds great.

Old Man- Yes, she looks like a film star, is a wonderful cook, my children and grandchildren love her and, as for the s*x, it is just incredible.

Me- So why so upset?

Old Man- I've forgotten where I live...

(Adapted from a Jackie Mason joke).

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

13 minutes ago, Way Of The Park said:

While out for a walk in the park, I encountered a frail looking, elderly man, sat on a bench weeping.

Me- What's the problem?

Old Man - I was sat here just thinking that after losing my beloved wife of 50 years, I have found love again with a woman 40 years younger than me.

Me - Sounds great.

Old Man- Yes, she looks like a film star, is a wonderful cook, my children and grandchildren love her and, as for the , it is just incredible.

Me- So why so upset?

Old Man- I've forgotten where I live...

(Adapted from a Jackie Mason joke).

LMAO I'll laugh all day at that...lol.

[Billy Davies]

This is going to be the first time we won't be going to Hawaii for Christmas because of Covid!! We usually don't go because we can't afford it.

[fenman]

I was in the crowded supermarket last week when I bumped into a young man I haven't seen for a while . He said " you look lost " I said " I'm looking for my wife " He said " what's  she like ?" I said " she's 70 shabby and frail and wearing a red coat " He said " co incidentally , I'm looking for my wife as well " I said " what's she like ?" . He said " she's 26  , curvy , long blonde hair , wearing a blue coat , short skirt , black stockings and stiletoes . " He said " where did you last see your wife ?  " I said " never mind her lets look for your wife "

I suppose in a short while we won't be able to tell jokes like that anymore , the woke brigade will find it offensive 

[fenman]

3 teenagers , one of each appeared before Truro magistrates today charged with not using or being in possession of a mobile phone in the city on 23rd November . They pleaded guilty to the charge . In mitigation their solicitor Mr. R. Slicker said that due to there being no sunshine or wind prior to the offence there was power cuts and the trio were unable to charge their phones . The magistrate Mrs. Honour Todd said that the magistrates would take this into account  but added that shouldn't think it was their right to walk the streets looking were they were going  and watching the world around them .She sentenced 2 of them to 2 weeks listening to Christmas songs  including feed the world which they must listen to at least 20 times . Mr. Slicker said that he thought the punishment was extremely harsh and that they would appeal the sentence particularly the feed the world section . The sentence for the third teenager Ivor Carr  was adjourned pending medical assessment . Mr. Slicker said that Carr suffered severe mental problems and lived in a fantasy world . He even believed that one day Truro City F.C.  would have their own ground and be promoted to the Football League .

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by fenman
addtion

[fenman]

Who robs from the rich so he can gift-wrap presents for the poor?
Ribbon Hood.

How do you wash your hands at Christmas? With hand Santatizer.

Knock knock! Who's there? Hanna. Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree.

Great news that ABBA are getting back together again. But they're getting complaints about how loud they are when they rehearse. A guy I know said his meal in a restaurant was interrupted by them. He said: "I could hear the drums from Nando's."

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? A mistle-toad.

My mate said he always lets his wife colour in his tattoo when she is unhappy. He said he knows when she needs a shoulder to crayon. 

My new car beeps every time I pass a vicar. Apparently it's just the rev counter.

Have you heard there's a new flight company exclusively for bald people? It’s called Receding airlines.  

Which Christmas carol do dogs like best? Bark the Herald Angels Sing.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson

Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey.

I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas? It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

Keith Richards and Mick Jagger went to my mate's for Christmas dinner one year. Unfortunately he under-cooked the turkey and everyone got sick. He almost killed two Stones with one bird.

A man was in court for stealing an Advent calendar - he got 25 days

Which do you prefer to drink at Christmas? a) hot spicy wine b) warm spicy wine c) cold spicy wine d) none of the above. This is a mull tipple choice question.

[fenman]

Our local Chinese takeaway has been fined for pouring used cooking oil down the drains , would this be regarded as " fry tipping " ?

[fenman]

I met a Manchester City supporter  today .

[fenman]

Sorry Keith , obviously an East Anglian joke that's not travelled far . The point being that we see people wearing Manchester United , Spurs , Liverpool  and Norwich shirts etc. but not Manchester City Shirts . Neither do you ever see or know anybody who supports Manchester City . This is often commented on in this part of the country .

I must try harder with my jokes .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

43 minutes ago, fenman said:

Sorry Keith , obviously an East Anglian joke that's not travelled far . The point being that we see people wearing Manchester United , Spurs , Liverpool  and Norwich shirts etc. but not Manchester City Shirts . Neither do you ever see or know anybody who supports Manchester City . This is often commented on in this part of the country .

I must try harder with my jokes .

I got it buddy, made me smile anyway. 

[Devils@Dusk]

The World's top Scientists say that by 2025, you will never be more than 8 feet away, from the next Chelsea manager

 

 

 

(Taken from The Chase Extra)

[fenman]

The annual Arch Deacon  inter county Cup game between Devon and Cornwall held at Penryn was a game full of incidents  With both teams colours being Red and White stripes  a colour clash compromise was reached when Devon elected to play in White and Red stripes whilst Cornwall  played in their familiar Red and White stripes . Further problems arose when the trainee groundsman inadvertently mixed a green dye in the line marker , being colour blind meant that he couldn't see the difference . Quick work by the aged previous groundsman solved the problem .Midway through the first half the referee Maurice Dancer fell over his guide dog ang lost his whistle . A delay ensued whilst a replacement was found . On the point of normal half time Devon's D. Bekkam walked off in a strop and left the ground having confused the 7 minute added time board for the substitution board . In the second half the Devon manager Keith Bee changed the teams to the formation which has led to so much success  4-4-3  . More drama followed when 3 members of XR  rebellion parachuted into the ground in a protest about the use of a diesel powered grass cutter used by the groundsman . All were given the yellow caution card for " descent " . Toward the end of the game a crisp ball into the Devon penalty area by G. Lineker found the deadly C. Rappo , his goal bound volley struck I. Palmer  on the arm and a penalty was awarded  . Billy Davies  then somehow missed the penalty , his shot was so hard and high it broke a window in the Maritime Museum in nearby Falmouth . The final whistle blew  after an hour of the second half had been played . When asked why he had added so much time on the referee said that  as his hearing aid battery was low he had misheard the briefing , when he was told that the game was subject to V.A.R.  he thought they said V.A.T.  so he added 20% onto the time .  

The above is a total work of fiction  and the product of a disturbed childhood .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

1 hour ago, fenman said:

The annual Arch Deacon  inter county Cup game between Devon and Cornwall held at Penryn was a game full of incidents  With both teams colours being Red and White stripes  a colour clash compromise was reached when Devon elected to play in White and Red stripes whilst Cornwall  played in their familiar Red and White stripes . Further problems arose when the trainee groundsman inadvertently mixed a green dye in the line marker , being colour blind meant that he couldn't see the difference . Quick work by the aged previous groundsman solved the problem .Midway through the first half the referee Maurice Dancer fell over his guide dog ang lost his whistle . A delay ensued whilst a replacement was found . On the point of normal half time Devon's D. Bekkam walked off in a strop and left the ground having confused the 7 minute added time board for the substitution board . In the second half the Devon manager Keith Bee changed the teams to the formation which has led to so much success  4-4-3  . More drama followed when 3 members of XR  rebellion parachuted into the ground in a protest about the use of a diesel powered grass cutter used by the groundsman . All were given the yellow caution card for " descent " . Toward the end of the game a crisp ball into the Devon penalty area by G. Lineker found the deadly C. Rappo , his goal bound volley struck I. Palmer  on the arm and a penalty was awarded  . Billy Davies  then somehow missed the penalty , his shot was so hard and high it broke a window in the Maritime Museum in nearby Falmouth . The final whistle blew  after an hour of the second half had been played . When asked why he had added so much time on the referee said that  as his hearing aid battery was low he had misheard the briefing , when he was told that the game was subject to V.A.R.  he thought they said V.A.T.  so he added 20% onto the time .  

The above is a total work of fiction  and the product of a disturbed childhood .

You got too much time on yer hands...lol

[Devils@Dusk]

On 30/01/2022 at 07:27, Keith B said:

Who is the Chelsea manager ? ☺️

I (genuinely) had to look that up. 🤣

 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

1 hour ago, Keith B said:

Ha ha thought you might like that older. How are you now sir ?

Hanging on buddy...just hanging on!

[fenman]

Same from me , all the best Older 

Digressing from my pathetic tale of fiction Older you'd be suprised how many people up here in Norfolk found your comments about a seemingly boring subject very interesting .

[fenman]

Sorry I should have said your posts on grass  maintainence and drainage etc.

[fenman]

Went to the Plymouth  Cheltenham game last week and the woman seated behind me told a joke about a German sausage . They all laughed but I thought that it was the "Wurst" joke I've ever heard .

 

[Mike Odgers]

The anouncer at a recent Falmouth away game read out the team and Manager and the Assistant  as Ash Grey--that was the shirt colours.

[fenman]

My cousin has been teaching his dog to play  the saxophone on the London Underground . He's gone from Barking to Tooting in an hour .

[fenman]

I've discovered 2 cures for medical problems .

1. Cure for insomnia  , watch the England football team .

2. Low blood pressure , read that 6000 + people take 3 weeks to raise £450 .

[fenman]

I thought that I would post some pathetic jokes on here before the forum closes through lack of funding .

I dropped my mobile in the river , I got it back again and it works but it's ringing wet . ( apologies I thought that one up this morning  )

A week before the Champions League final an advert appears in the Telegraph , it says ." if you are a single woman with a cup final ticket I'm interested in marriage , please send a photo of the ticket . "

Two old boys were holding the ticket  turnstile gate up at Plymouth . Older  can't find his ticket ,he search's through all his pockets , the gate man is getting impatient , and says " What' s that in your mouth , it looks like the ticket ?. Older  takes it out of his mouth , it's all wet and covered in saliva . The gate man won't scan it , he has a cursory glance and waves him in . Billy says " your memory's getting bad Older  , fancy forgetting you had it in your mouth " . " forgetful my arse " says Older " I was chewing the last home games date off it ."

 After the Liverpool , Manchester United game bottles were raining down on the fan's  . One fan says " I've never been so terrified " the other says " don't be afraid , during the bombing in the last war we used to say you only need to worry if the bomb had your name on it " The other said " that's the problem my names Johnny Walker " .

Apologies this ones a bit near the mark . 

A wife wakes up and says to her husband " darling I had a wonderful dream , I dreamt that I was touring China with my sister , it was wonderful " He said " yeah I had a lovely dream last night as well . I dreamt that I was in bed with 3 beautiful women " She said " Oh darling wonderful and was I one of them ?" He said " no you were touring China with you sister " 

Final sarcastic joke .6,000  people will either roar with laughter and bust their side laughing at these jokes  and  straight away donate £1  to the crowd funder or in a few months time say " I wish I'd donated to the forum , I miss that idiot from Norfolk's jokes .

Very few swallows this year again  Older , normally the Broads are alive with them catching flies in the evening  .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

None here either buddy.

Loved the jokes...nearly all of them...ahem!

[Bill Old timer Davies]

All flights in and out of John Lennon International airport have been cancelled! Imagine all the people!!!!

[fenman]

The wife of a man who never learnt the difference between a brassiere and a brazier was granted a divorce today on two counts.

"First, because when she wanted underwear for Christmas, he gave her two big rusty tins with holes in.

Second, because of the way he tried to roast his chestnuts

From a Norfolk parish magazine: "At our meeting on Friday, January 22nd, the subject will be 'Heaven - how do we get there?'

"Transport available at 7.15 pm from bus stop opposite the Black Lion

 

Advert spotted in local paper:

For Sale - antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers

Notice on spiritulists door " please ring the bell , knocking can lead to confusion "

[fenman]

My wife , moan , moan , moan . Today she said " you never buy me clothes, I'm shabby , a visitor wouldn't know if I was a cook or the wife " I said " they would if they stayed for dinner ".

[fenman]

A teacher at Penryn school said " Right I'll see how clever you are . Ask me any question about a Prime Minister . If I can't answer it I'll buy everyone a lolly . " Several pupils asked questions and she easily answered them all . After a while she said " alright one last question before playtime " A clever little bugger called Dave said " I've got one miss , which Prime Minister was named after a tree ? . The teacher was stumped for an answer " right it's playtime I'll answer after play " During playtime she googled the question but could'nt get an answer . After playtime was over and the class reformed she said " alright David , there isn't one is there ? Sharp as a tack he said " Yes  miss William Pitt the Elder " .

[fenman]

20 people were  fined by Police in Brixham during Covid lockdown . They'd travelled down from Scotland and were caught in Brixham fish market .Interviewed under caution they said they were after a different variety of fish as they were sick of Sturgeon and Salmon .

[fenman]

A married couple were in bed asleep one night when the phone rang at 2 .00 am . the wife answered it , listened to and said " it's 200 mile away how would I know "? and hung up . The husband said " who was it ?"  his wife said " some woman wanted to know if the coast was clear ".

 

Husband in bed ( different people from above ) , wife says "If I died would you get married again ?" He says " definitely not " she says " why ? don't you like being married ?"  he said " yes alright I suppose I would get married again " The wife with a hurtful expression says " would you " the husband groans inwardly , and then the wife says " would you sleep with her in this bed ?" he replies " where else would we sleep ?" she says " would you replace all my pictures with hers ?" he say " well yes I suppose so after a number of years out of respect for you " wife says " what about my golf clubs , would you let her use them ?" he says " No she's left handed "  after a minutes silence husband quietly says " bugger "

Please at least giggle a bit , it took me ages to type them .

[Dave Deacon]

Nice ones fenman 👍

[fenman]

2 men from Mawgan Porth are walking down the road  when they find a mirror laying on the road . One picks it up and says " I recognise the face but I can't put a name to it " The other says " give it here " he looks at it and said " you idiot it's me " 

 

2 tourist were driving through Wales as they got to Llanfairpwllgyngyllgogerychrndrobwillantyssiiogogoch they argued about the pronuniciation of it . They kept arguing  till they stopped for lunch . In the diner one of them said to the girl on the counter " can you settle an argument please ? can you pronouce the name of this place , do it slowly so we can understand " The girl leanined over the counter toward them and said " Burrrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing 

[Ian Pethick]

I have a pair of glove puppets for sale.

£10 or near offer, just want someone to take them off my hands ...

[fenman]

A man in a sports car was hammering along the M4 toward Cornwall , he got up to 80 mph and thought this is fun ( he was like in modern language )  so he put his pedal to the floor and was soon up to 110 . After a couple of miles he spots a Police car on his tail with its blue light on . He stops and the officer approaches him and said " you know your'e in trouble don't you ?" The man says " sorry " the policeman says " it's no good being sorry , but I'm on holiday after today and I'm in a good mood , if you can think of a good excuse I'll let you off with  a caution " The man ponders for a moment and said " well to be truthful , my wife of 15 years ran off with a policeman some years ago  and when I saw you behind me I thought you were bringing her back " .

[fenman]

I had a great time in Cornwall last week . I won first prize in a national best liar contest . 3rd place went to man who said he saw St. Darren enjoying a night out in Liverpool with Howard Webb , Mike Dean and  Stuart Attwell . Second place went to Rappo who said he missed a penalty once . I won because I said I saw it happen .

[fenman]

[fenman]