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I once saved Meat Loafs live , he was choking on a German sausage , I managed to get it out , he said " thanks you took the Wurst right out of my mouth .

Yesterday whilst out walking on the Broads I met this interesting man , he invented the crossword . Lovely chap , very interesting I forget his name it's P something , T something R something .

My grandson is over the moon , he's in a drama group and he's just got his first part . He's playing a man who's been married for 30 years . I said " Well done , you might get a speaking part next time "

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I've been practicing chocolate magic , I always have a few Twix up my sleeves .

The mem sahib has been moaning about my obsession with tennis , she says there's more important things I should be doing at my age . I  said to her " I'm only 40 love "

I hate going to posh restaurants  , I always get bewildered by it all I went to one last week I ordered a Del Monica steak with chips , the waiter took my order and said " aperitif ? " I said "  no thanks I've got my own "

Talking of food we had chicken tarka for tea tonight , it's like chicken  tikka but a little otter .

My mate's a perfectionist I went round the other day and he'd put all his cooking herbs in alphabetical order . I said  " I don't know where you find the time " He said " It's next to the tarragon "

My brother in law thinks he's famous , he's written his autobiography , unfortunately he spilt some of this new Gorrilla glue on it and he said he accidently glued himself to the book I think he's lying but that's his story and he's sticking to it .

Just to prove that my jokes can get worse , here's a true story . I'd been in the Police on my first posting about a month and was being driven round by the shift inspector . We passed a care home with a group of old boys sitting outside . One of them had a leg missing . I waved to him , the Inspector said " why did you wave to him , do you know him "? I said " no but he's not a complete stranger , he's only got one leg , he's an incomplete stranger " I saw the inspector a few months ago , poor old boy he's in his 80's and in a wheelchair but still sharp as a button . He was pleased to see me and he said " do you know I still remember your quick joke  from 50 years ago and I still laugh at the spontaneity of it .

Shall I risk one more !!!!!!

I was in Wales last year I went to the railway station ticket office and said " a day return to Llanfairpwwlglylgogerychwymdropwillantisiliogogogoch  please " he said  "first class ?" I said  "thanks very much , do you know I've practicing that for a month ?"

Well as the Frenchman said when I pelted him with eggs " one oeuf is en oeuf ."

There's absolutely no truth in the rumours that Richard Chown  has told me to put these jokes on here in the hope that people will  contribute money to the forum appeal if I stop posting .

I want to see the total raised to over £300 by the time Keith B posts on here tomorrow .

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I met this women in Zurich once. She had a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between her toes on her left foot and a corkscrew between her toes on her right foot. I asked what was going on and she replied. "I am a Swiss Army Wife"!!!!!!

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13 hours ago, fenman said:

I've been practicing chocolate magic , I always have a few Twix up my sleeves .

The mem sahib has been moaning about my obsession with tennis , she says there's more important things I should be doing at my age . I  said to her " I'm only 40 love "

I hate going to posh restaurants  , I always get bewildered by it all I went to one last week I ordered a Del Monica steak with chips , the waiter took my order and said " aperitif ? " I said "  no thanks I've got my own "

Talking of food we had chicken tarka for tea tonight , it's like chicken  tikka but a little otter .

My mate's a perfectionist I went round the other day and he'd put all his cooking herbs in alphabetical order . I said  " I don't know where you find the time " He said " It's next to the tarragon "

My brother in law thinks he's famous , he's written his autobiography , unfortunately he spilt some of this new Gorrilla glue on it and he said he accidently glued himself to the book I think he's lying but that's his story and he's sticking to it .

Just to prove that my jokes can get worse , here's a true story . I'd been in the Police on my first posting about a month and was being driven round by the shift inspector . We passed a care home with a group of old boys sitting outside . One of them had a leg missing . I waved to him , the Inspector said " why did you wave to him , do you know him "? I said " no but he's not a complete stranger , he's only got one leg , he's an incomplete stranger " I saw the inspector a few months ago , poor old boy he's in his 80's and in a wheelchair but still sharp as a button . He was pleased to see me and he said " do you know I still remember your quick joke  from 50 years ago and I still laugh at the spontaneity of it .

Shall I risk one more !!!!!!

I was in Wales last year I went to the railway station ticket office and said " a day return to Llanfairpwwlglylgogerychwymdropwillantisiliogogogoch  please " he said  "first class " I said  "thanks very much , do you know I've practicing that for a month ?"

Well as the Frenchman said when I pelted him with eggs " one oeuf is en oeuf ."

There's absolutely no truth in the rumours that Richard Chown  has told me to put these jokes on here in the hope that people will  contribute money to the forum appeal if I stop posting .

I want to see the total raised to over £300 by the time Keith B posts on here tomorrow .

Ha ha - don't know where you get them from fenman but what a laugh ! Missed your true vocation sit, you should have been a stand up comedian ! 

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A chap down the road is advertising a really good strong wooden gate , it's free . I said "what's the catch ? "  He said " it's the thing that allows it to open and shut the gate

I was ever so pleased , I saw some jeans advertised in the local shop . It said  " good quality jeans for sale 30 % off . When I put them on they came up to my knees ,I took them back and complained to the manager . He said " yes the legs are where we took the 30 % off "

I got this odd job man in to do some work for me . I gave him 8 jobs to do , he did jobs  1 , 3,  , 5, and 7  . I'm now looking in yellow pages for an even jobs man to finish them off . An old friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid , I told him it was dangerous but he said " don't worry I can stop any time " .

An extremely pathetic one . Lord Nelson a good old Norfolk boy , was  only 5 feet tall , his statue on top of the tower  in Trafalgar Square is 45 feet tall , that's Horatio of 15 to 1 .

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I think my present job as a bovine transport cleansing consultant is about the right career for my limited abilities rather than as a comedian .

In plain English I wash  cattle floats out after the cattle have consumed vast quantities if Older and Mr. Greens  grass and passed it out through the other end . The consultancy bit comes in when the boss says " do you think the float could do with a wash ?" I say " yes " so he's consulted me .

I had to take the wife to the surgery yesterday . She had a slight earache and felt a bit dizzy . The Doctor said " have you got vertigo ?" She said " no just across the other side of the road .

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A wealthy couple decided to go out for the evening so they gave their butler Jarvis the night off. However once at the party the lady of the house became bored and returned home alone leaving her husband to enjoy himself. When she arrived home she found Jarvis alone in the dining room. She called him over and asked him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom and said to him "Jarvis take off my dress" Jarvis obeyed. "Jarvis" She continued. "I want you to take off my stockings and suspender belt" Again Jarvis silently obeyed. Both were breathing heavily as the tension between them increased. She then looked sternly at him and said " If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"!!!!

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On 23/05/2020 at 22:12, fenman said:

I've been practicing chocolate magic , I always have a few Twix up my sleeves .

The mem sahib has been moaning about my obsession with tennis , she says there's more important things I should be doing at my age . I  said to her " I'm only 40 love "

I hate going to posh restaurants  , I always get bewildered by it all I went to one last week I ordered a Del Monica steak with chips , the waiter took my order and said " aperitif ? " I said "  no thanks I've got my own "

Talking of food we had chicken tarka for tea tonight , it's like chicken  tikka but a little otter .

My mate's a perfectionist I went round the other day and he'd put all his cooking herbs in alphabetical order . I said  " I don't know where you find the time " He said " It's next to the tarragon "

My brother in law thinks he's famous , he's written his autobiography , unfortunately he spilt some of this new Gorrilla glue on it and he said he accidently glued himself to the book I think he's lying but that's his story and he's sticking to it .

Just to prove that my jokes can get worse , here's a true story . I'd been in the Police on my first posting about a month and was being driven round by the shift inspector . We passed a care home with a group of old boys sitting outside . One of them had a leg missing . I waved to him , the Inspector said " why did you wave to him , do you know him "? I said " no but he's not a complete stranger , he's only got one leg , he's an incomplete stranger " I saw the inspector a few months ago , poor old boy he's in his 80's and in a wheelchair but still sharp as a button . He was pleased to see me and he said " do you know I still remember your quick joke  from 50 years ago and I still laugh at the spontaneity of it .

Shall I risk one more !!!!!!

I was in Wales last year I went to the railway station ticket office and said " a day return to Llanfairpwwlglylgogerychwymdropwillantisiliogogogoch  please " he said  "first class ?" I said  "thanks very much , do you know I've practicing that for a month ?"

Well as the Frenchman said when I pelted him with eggs " one oeuf is en oeuf ."

There's absolutely no truth in the rumours that Richard Chown  has told me to put these jokes on here in the hope that people will  contribute money to the forum appeal if I stop posting .

I want to see the total raised to over £300 by the time Keith B posts on here tomorrow .

Forum appeal fenman - a worthy appeal if ever there was one. This forum has given much pleasure to many football folk over the years and is well worth saving. Well done Richard and thank you to each of the administrators.

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I took my son into work the other day  , he spent the morning in the office mixing with my colleagues . As we left everyone said goodbye and the boy said out loud " I'm a bit sad daddy , where are all the clowns that you said worked with you ?"

My sister in law is dim . I rang her the other day to see if all was well and how they managed with the shopping as they live in a remote area of the Fens .  She said that her daughter does the shopping for her every Thursday , I said " does she leave it outside or bring it indoors ?" she said " she brings it indoors , but it's alright we go in the cupboard under the stairs to unpack . You know where the things that measure the gas and electric supplies are . We go there so we are two meters apart "

While I was talking to her I got onto the subject of football , which I know she hate's . I said " what did you think of Georgie Best ?" She " I didn't really like him I preferred Bungle and Zippy "

Apologies for these but I have to keep ahead of Billie Davies

I know they are pathetic but I'll keep on posting until you all surrender and get  to the forum appeal target .

Here is the 6 .00 o'clock news for Monday the 25th of May . The Cornwall Football Appeal  today raised £ 900 . Money flooded in in an effort to stop childish jokes posted on their web site by a lunatic believed to be living in Norfolk and his accomplice a Mr B . Davies .

Davies is known to the Police , he was spoken to in St. Austell recently  for playing a ukulele in the street . He wasn't  arrested but was asked to accompany the officer at the Police Station .

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I've just got back from the allotment , every thing is dry and some parts are so rock hard that sparks fly off the spade when you try to dig . But I did cut a lovely bunch of Sweet Williams , I put them in a vase , jammed them in the vase haphazardly  and stood back to admire them . I said to the wife " look at that , a Manchester United display ? "  She said  "  what  are you rambling on about you senile fool , what have they got to do with Manchester United ?"  . I said " well it's obvious , they are an untidy bunch of flowers , and it's nice to see them  in the middle of the table "

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A man follows a women with an parrot out of a cinema, stops her and says, " I am sorry to bother you but I could not help noticing that your bird seemed to understand the film. He cried at the right parts and he laughed at the jokes.  Don't you find that unusual?" "I do indeed" She replied "He absolutely hated the book"!!!!!!!!!!

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Very good Billy , you've got some great jokes . I wonder sometimes if there is an advantage in being old . I grew up in an era of funny stand up comedians , wonderful pop music ,  Elvis , Buddy Holly , Roy Orbison etc. etc. Great footballers and some good film actors and live seemed very pleasant , the war was only 20 years behind us and World War 1 was only 50 or so years in the past , so people still felt the effects of them . But we seemed happy . Reading your jokes on here I wonder where it has all gone . I have to nearly break the car radio when some performers come on . They all seem to be wailing on to the same beat of music , there doesn't seem to be an actual tune any more in most cases . I was surprised when my 15 year old granddaughter said that her and her friends couldn't stand modern pop as it's so repetitive and depressing . And yet we are lead to believe that this is the greatest era for music . I thinks it's the same with humour , I see extracts  of comedy shows advertised on tele  and see people falling off their seats laughing and I wonder why . They no longer tell jokes or tell funny stories  but ? I don't know what they actually do that causes people to laugh , it's a sort of mass hysteria .

The question I ask myself is would I laugh at them today if I was 25 ? . If I was 25 would I laugh at comedians from the 50's and 60's ? By the same token would I like listening to boy bands with their effeminate voices or other modern singers  and ignoring  older music ? . I should say at this point that my taste in music is wide ranging , opera , classical , military  and so on  so I'm not fixated with one type . Alternatively as regards humour ,  are todays generation less well educated in reality so they can't grasp humour ? Humour is all about life  and easing tensions  and stage humour is all part of an act in making people laugh by telling funny stories , we seem to have lost all that . Perhaps political correctness has driven it away .

Just as an example , I was talking to a teenager recently , we were talking about the Irish , I said that my grandmother was Irish he " oh really ?"  and I said " no Murphy "  , I had to explain the joke to him several times but he still didn't get it . ( her name was actually Manning ) . Just illustrate my point he then told me something funny from an American comedy show and fell about laughing . I didn't  ask him to explain it to me  it would take all day .

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We seem to have a lot in common fenman - not just our previous careers. Perhaps it's an age thing (?). I don't like today's pop music at all, the lyrics (if there are any) seem rubbish/pathetic to me and often too repetitive. Today's humour leaves me cold too. Showing my age here I guess, but I prefer Dads Army type humour or Last of the Summer wine, Open all hours etc,.

Growing up in the 1940's - 50's largely we made our own entertainment. We had no TV - just the radio. Played as kids in the woods beside the river and in the fields. Played football sometimes all day (before and after lunch) and in the evening listened to the radio or read books. Saturday morning film matinee - usually Flash Gordon or Batman followed by a cowboy film. We were happy though and as we grew older, became fit what with all the football and of course, into our teens we turned much of our attention to girls. I remember the summer holidays from school too, 6 weeks of sunshine. Great days !

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Eyes down here we go again .  Irish priest driving along  motorway , his driving is  a bit erratic  a Police patrol car pulls him over . The officer smells alcohol on him " have you been drinking ?" he says . " Only water from the bottle "says the priest  , he picks up the bottle and hands it to the officer who smells it . " Its wine " he says "  the priest takes the bottle and smell it himself  " heavens above sor he's done it again " he said .

A man down the road had an embarrassing name John Stinks . From schooldays to workdays he suffered  jokes about his name . Just prior to his wedding his wife to be said " you've got to change your name , I can't be embarrassed by that name , get it changed it's easy to do just a few forms to fill in and it's done " 3 days later he saw her  she said " have you done as I asked ?" he said " yes it's all done it was quite  easy really " She said  "who are you now ?" He said " I'm now Arthur Stinks "

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 In his early days as a Police Officer, Fenman attended a terrible accident. Body parts were everywhere and young Fenman is making notes of where everything is. PC Fenman comes across a head and writes in his notebook 'Head on boolevard'. This doesn't look right so he crosses it out and writes ' Head on Bullevard'. Again this looks incorrect so he crosses it out and writes ' Head on Boullevard' Fenman knows it is wrong so quickly looks around and kicks the head. He then writes 'Head found in garden'!!!!!!!

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Good one Billy .

This is not a joke but a couple of things that I heard on our local BBC  programme , the equivalent of your Laurence Read show .

Myra Hindley had just died , from cancer I think , and the presenter was recalling her crimes . A woman rang in ( now you've got to imagine an elderly Norfolk woman's voice , no not Mummersett , Norfolk )  . She said it was a disgrace and a travesty of justice that they let Hindley die .she said they should have used drugs to keep her alive till she died . The presenter said that she had died , but the woman insisted that the authorities shouldn't have let her die but kept her alive till she died . She was quite irate about it and the presenter couldn't really answer her logic .

Another comical one was on the same radio station .It was a quiz with one  question  which ran until someone gave the correct answer .This particular one had been running a few days and the presenter began to give clues . A woman rang in , before she gave her answer she said " I had an answer but I've changed my mind , can I give a different one ?" The presenter said " well I don't know what your answer was . so give me your new one " The woman said " yes but it's not my original answer , I changed my mind , if I give my new one it's cheating " Again the presenter tried to explain that he didn't know what her original answer was so she could give  her new one . This went on for a few minutes until the woman gave her original answer because she said she would be accused of cheating if she gave the other one . Probably this could only happen in Norfolk .

Mummersett is the phrase used by people in Norfolk and Suffolk to describe the dialect often used  in films and t.v.  to mimic our accents and those in Somerset and Dorset .

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I went to the greengrocers today . I asked for a kilo of potatoes , the assistant said "do you want new ones ?" I said " I'd prefer new ones , but second hand will do " 

There used to be a lad on one of the league sites  either  Trelawney or Duchy  who did funny story match results . I'm surprised he's not posted on here .

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45 minutes ago, fenman said:

I went to the greengrocers today . I asked for a kilo of potatoes , the assistant said "do you want new ones ?" I said " I'd prefer new ones , but second hand will do " 

There used to be a lad on one of the league sites  either  Trelawney or Duchy  who did funny story match results . I'm surprised he's not posted on here .

Darren Morse from Foxhole used to do some great reports. Good lad Morsey but not seen o r heard much from him lately. Keep em going Fenman and hopefully if I am still able to play when we reconvene you and Keith B and Older could come to Lostwithiel and get free entry. Cheers Bill.

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That's him Darren Morse !!! I used to love reading his match reports , they were really original and in the Tommy Cooper style .

Just shows you how eccentric I am , reading about matches 400 miles away . It's a small world at times , I was watching a game at Mawgan Porth a couple of seasons ago when I bumped into David Avery who was the secretary of the opposition , through strange circumstances David sponsors my son's motorbike racing . Don't ask me how this came about .  Although I knew David was into motorbikes I didn't know he was heavily involved with football as well so it was a sort of double take when I saw him wandering round the pitch .

Just after I retired from the Police I got a job in a museum moving suits of armour about , I don't know why I took it on I always hated knight shifts . ( pathetic , bottom of the barrel stuff )

 I sent away to Waterstones for a thesaurus , when I opened it the pages were blank . I was really angry but I couldn't find words to describe my anger .

Years ago my wife used to make fizzy sweets . The kids loved them . During this lockdown I said  "why don't you make some for the grandchildren ? " She can't remember how to make them so she's gone on a " Refresher " course .

There was a siege in Norwich last night , the people in the house eventually surrendered , the Police shouted " come out with your hands washed "   ( I can't apologise enough for that one )

This one is worse .  A plane carrying  Japanese car parts lost some of it's cargo last night over Bodmin Moor , locals say it was raining Datsun cogs .

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1 hour ago, Billy Davies said:

Darren Morse from Foxhole used to do some great reports. Good lad Morsey but not seen o r heard much from him lately. Keep em going Fenman and hopefully if I am still able to play when we reconvene you and Keith B and Older could come to Lostwithiel and get free entry. Cheers Bill.

Hey now you're talking Billy .. is it a free pasty and beer too ? 😊.   Only joking, always pay my round. 

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3 hours ago, Billy Davies said:

Darren Morse from Foxhole used to do some great reports. Good lad Morsey but not seen o r heard much from him lately. Keep em going Fenman and hopefully if I am still able to play when we reconvene you and Keith B and Older could come to Lostwithiel and get free entry. Cheers 

Find someone to do the bar for me and I'll take that offer up one night ...lights(?)

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If you see a scruffy white haired old man shuffling up to the gate it'll be me . I mostly take son in law and grandchildren to watch Argyle on Saturdays , but as we've missed most of the summer we hope to come down 3 or 4 times between September and Christmas  to make up for lost visits,  so I might come and watch Lostwwithiel  as it's only down the road from St. Austell .

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1 hour ago, fenman said:

If you see a scruffy white haired old man shuffling up to the gate it'll be me . I mostly take son in law and grandchildren to watch Argyle on Saturdays , but as we've missed most of the summer we hope to come down 3 or 4 times between September and Christmas  to make up for lost visits,  so I might come and watch Lostwwithiel  as it's only down the road from St. Austell .

There will always be goals at Losty and there are a couple of nice pubs and the atmosphere is always friendly. It would be lovely to meet you all ( I think i might have met Older at Penryn Football Club) Take care all and keep joking, stay safe and sane and keep the jokes coming. Cheers Bill

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Here we go again  I'm staying up late to keep ahead of Billy Davies

This German Catholic went to confessional he said " father I have sinned " the priest said " tell me about your sin my son " The German said " I hid a Jew in my cellar during the war  the priest said " there 'is no sin in that  " , the German said " but I charged him 50 reichmarks a week " . The priest said " again it's not a sin it was an act of humanity my son " there 's no sin in that " The German said " thank you father you've eased my mind I no longer field guilty ,however I do have one question " the priest said "  tell me my son , it can't be a bad sin " the German said " should I tell him that the war is over ?" 

A man joins Lostwithiel football club , after the game  in the clubroom the captain tells him all new players have to tell the other players about their life .The player tells the others stories of his hot life . When he gets home his wife said " how did you get on ?" he said " I think I played alright but I had to tell the other players about yachting after the game in the bar " She thought it a bit odd but thought footballers were weird anyway . Later in the week she bumped into one of the players wives in Asda . The other woman said " your husband gave quite an  amusing talk after the game I hear , he must be very experienced " His wife said " not really he's only done it twice  and the second time he was sick "

I was at my daughters in St. Austell , we were eating our dinner , my grandson said " are bugs good to eat granddad ?" My daughter said " shut up Thomas don't ask granddad disgusting things when he's eating " . After dinner I said to Thomas " what was it you asked me at dinner ?" .He said "it doesn't matter now but there was a great big bug in your soup but it's gone now "

One final one a bit risky but its after the 9 o'clock watershed .. I asked this attractive Chinese girl her number , she said " , , ,free tonight . I became all excited , but her brother said " its 666-3629 "

 

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Stephen Spielburg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some OOMPH he decides to cast the parts to some of the great action heroes. He calls, Stallone, Seagal, Bruce Willis and Arnie and asks them who they would like to play. Stallone starts and says "I have always admired Mozart and would love to play him" "Chopin is my favourite and my image would improve if film fans saw me playing the piano" Said Willis "So I am happy to play him" I have always been partial to a Waltz" Says Seagal "So I would be very happy to play Strauss"

Spielburg was happy with these choices and looked at Schwarzenegger and asked " How about you Arnie"? He replied "I'll be Bach"!!!!!!!

 

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A Catholic school had it's Summer fete . A nun put a display of apples out with a note which said  " only take one because God is watching you " . A young boy sees a display of cakes , he quickly scribbles a note and puts it on the cakes , it said " take as many as you want because God is watching the apples "

A young lad rings 999 , the operator said " what's the problem ?" , he said "2 girls are fighting over me " the operator said " why is it an emergency ?" he said " the ugly one is winning "

A blonde woman , a priest , a college boy and a pilot are in a plane which is about to crash . The problem is that there was only 3 parachutes . The pilot grabs one and jumps out shouting " I'm a pilot I'm needed , people need me there's a shortage of pilots " The blonde grabs a parachute and jumps out shouting " I can't die my hair will be in a mess and my makeup will run if I crash and die " The college boy hands the priest a parachute and says " we haven't got much time get this on quick " the priest said " no son you take it you're young with your life ahead of you , I'll take a chance that God will protect me " . The college boy straps on a parachute and hands the priest another one , the priest said " I thought there was only 3 parachutes ? " the college boy said  " there was , the blonde girl took my rucksack "

A man goes into a bar in Bodmin and see's a really fat girl dancing naked on the table . He says  "good legs "   she says " oh thank you , do you really think so ?" He said "  Oh yes most definitely most tables would have collapsed by now ".

 

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On 29/05/2020 at 14:31, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas said:

Find someone to do the bar for me and I'll take that offer up one night ...lights(?)

I reckon that could be arranged. Would be good to meet you all. 

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3 nuns in a nunnery , one says " I found a pornographic magazine in Father Benedict's desk yesterday " . The second one said " what did you do with it ?" the first one said " I was disgusted , I  put on my rubber gloves took it outside  and burnt it " The second one said " yes and I found a packet of condoms in his desk a fortnight ago " The first one said " disgusting , did you burn them ?"  "No I put holes in them with a hat pin " . There was a crash as the third nun fainted .

 Two nuns ( different ones ) decided to paint their dormitory  . They decided on a colour and started to paint the walls , they got paint everywhere .  One said this is  silly we are going to ruin our habits "  The other one said " how about if we strip off and paint naked then we can wash the paint off  afterwards , there's no one here to see us "  So they undress and paint in the nude . A knock at the door " who is it ?"  " The blind man "  is the reply .  "Shall we  let him in  ?" says one nun . " well he's blind so he won't see us it can't do any harm " They open the door and he walks in  " nice boobs sisters , where do you want these venetian blinds hanging ?"  .

Apologies for any offence .

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One of the old boys on the allotment suggested I put horse muck on my rhubarb , I've tried it , it's alright but I still prefer custard .

A group of birds that stick together are called vel crows

A big chess tournament is underway , one night in the hotel foyer a group of players are talking about their performances . The manager tells them to leave . They ask him why , he says " I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ".

A lorry carrying ballroom gowns has overturned near Indian Queens . Police have advised drivers to go slow, slow ,  quick, quick slow .

If you have this meeting Billy I won't be able to attend because I'll be too embarrassed after this offering  BUT the forum appeal is improving .

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8 hours ago, fenman said:

One of the old boys on the allotment suggested I put horse muck on my rhubarb , I've tried it , it's alright but I still prefer custard .

A group of birds that stick together are called vel crows

A big chess tournament is underway , one night in the hotel foyer a group of players are talking about their performances . The manager tells them to leave . They ask him why , he says " I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ".

A lorry carrying ballroom gowns has overturned near Indian Queens . Police have advised drivers to go slow, slow ,  quick, quick slow .

If you have this meeting Billy I won't be able to attend because I'll be too embarrassed after this offering  BUT the forum appeal is improving .

Regarding a meet fenman, we're talking about when the season's up and running and hopefully a Saturday game. Older's club or Billy's I thought. Hope you were joking and can be there.

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A retiring golf club president is making his final speech at his clubs annual award ceremony. "From 18 handicappers to pro's I have treated everyone equally" The emotional president begins. " We all live for this game. We are like one big family and after all these years I only fell by the wayside once. While my Darling wife sits beside me, I want to apologise to her and you my beloved friends. In a moment of weakness I had o one night stand. It was a mistake and meant absolutely nothing"  After this shocking revelation the president sits down ashamed. His wife stands up, smiling as ever. "I too have a confession darling" She says. "Before I met you, I was a man" There are gasps around the room as the startled president staggers to his feet. "You cheating B*****d " he exclaims!! " All these F*****g years and you have ben playing off the front tees"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds perched on a fence and you shoot one how many would be left?" Little Billy puts his hand up and answers "None miss, they would all fly away on hearing the gun fire" The teacher says "No Billy the correct answer is four but I like your thinking" Little Billy then asks the teacher a question. "If there were three women sitting on a bench eating ice creams. One is delicately licking the sides, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone, while the third is nibbling on the top. Which one is married?"  " Um the one that gobbled down the top?" asks the teacher blushing. To which Billy replies, "The correct answer is the one with the ring on, but I like your thinking"!!!!!!!

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