Daily Laugh

[Billy Davies]

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife but she realised I was only after my money!!!!!

[fenman]

I'm going to ration this to individual posts so I can get more than Billy Davies .

With this lockdown I've ruined my only pair of shoes by digging on the allotment . luckily there's a shoe shop open near me .  I don't particularly like going in there  because the assistants always come out with modern false friendliness " how are you today sir ?" and if you care , " have a nice day sir " again as if you care . Anyway circumstances forced me to buy the new shoes . The assistant said " what size do you  take ?" I said " it's alright I prepared to pay for them "  she said " no what size do you wear ?" I said 8  " she said " we've gone metric  now , a old size 8 is now a 35 , we've moved out of the dark ages " She gave me a size 35 , I fitted it on and it was wearable but a bit tight , I told her this and she said "  "ah you'll need an 8 and a half then " 

 A group of old boy's from St. Austell were discussing the modern trend of paying tribute to every one who died . Tom said " Billy what do you want them to say at your graveside ?" Billy said " I'd like them to say I was a good husband and a good worker and will be sorely missed " . Jack said " Same with me really , they can say I was a good reliable footballer who served his club well , and was honest and reliable . They said to Sid " what about you Sid ?" he pondered for a moment and said " look his eyes just moved " .

[fenman]

This isn't meant as a joke but it might amuse you , it's one of those things when you look back and think " how did I think of that so quickly . I was reminded of it today with the death of Little Richard the rock and roller  After retiring from the Police I worked for an aircraft restoration firm . . one the boys who worked there was called Richard , there was also in the same complex another young boy called Richard . To save confusion among other people on the site our Richard was Tall Richard the other was Little Richard . Also working in a nearby office was one of these people who use up to date gobbildy gook . He lived in a sort of dream world and full of bull . He burst in through our door one morning and said " hey guys , has little Richard been in ?" , quick as a flash I said " no but Chuck Berrys been in and said how are you all getting on " . Everyone fell about laughing except him , he was so far up his own behind he didn't see the joke .

This doesn't count on my list Billy so I'm still catching you up .

A man goes to the doctors he says " I think my wife's going deaf  what can I do ?" . The doctor said  "well I recommend a simple test  " stand about 15 feet away from her and speak to her if she doesn't reply move a bit closer and speak again , if she doesn't respond just keep moving forward" So he went home and she was in the kitchen . He stood about 15 foot away and said " what's for tea tonight ?" , no response , so he moved  to 12 feet and said " what's for tea tonight ?? again no response ,  he tried at 10 same result . He got to 5 feet and said " what's for tea tonight ?" , she turned and said " for the fourth bloody time of telling you  Lasagne "

 Man from Norwich goes down to Plymouth on a weeks course  . After a day he becomes bored and lonely , he browses through the bedside cabinet , and see the Gideon bible ,. He picks it up debating whether or not to read it . As he opened it a card fell out .Written on the card  it said  Kinky  , if you are bored I can offer you kinky  sessions at a reasonable price , ring me now for an unforgettable experience . After having had dinner that evening , he sits on his bed and thinks  " the wife's 400 miles away I shan't see her for a week , bugger it what's the harm "  So he rings the number and a woman answers  straight away he nervously says " I want kinky , you know , leather , black stockings , whips , handcuffs the lot , I've got plenty of money so no expense spared " The woman said "  perhaps you'd better dial 9 for an outside line first ."

When I was a boy you used to go to the fairground and pay tuppence to see grotesque fat women with tattoos all over their bodies . nowadays you see hundreds of them for free , wandering the streets .

[Billy Davies]

What do you call it when Keith B, Older and Fenman clap your jokes. The Menapplause!!!! Sorry that is terrible but it is topical. Keep smiling and stay safe all. Cheers Bill.

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

1 hour ago, Billy Davies said:

What do you call it when Keith B, Older and Fenman clap your jokes. The Menapplause!!!! Sorry that is terrible but it is topical. Keep smiling and stay safe all. Cheers Bill.

Hey you...watch it!

[Billy Davies]

The Police knocked on my door yesterday evening and said they were investigating an incident. They then asked where I was between 3 and 4. I replied "At Preschool"!!!!!

[fenman]

People often wonder why Pakistan have never been a force in World football . It's because every time they get a corner they open a shop .

The reason that midgets always appear happy on the football pitch is because the grass tickles their balls .

The schoolteacher couldn't understand why young Billy didn't like Manchester City , he said " I don't like football at all , " The teacher said " why " he said " it's because of my family , they hate football but like horse racing  and cricket , so I follow them " The teacher said " that's silly Billy , you can't let your parents influence your beliefs , what about if your family were completes morons ?" Billy said " well then I'd support Manchester City "

What do you call an Englishman in a World cup semi final ? The referee .

 Why are the similarities between  Chelsea and the U.S. Navy  . They both spend £ 60 million on a sub .

How many genuine Manchester City fans does it take to change a light bulb ?  all 5 of them .

How long would it take Liverpool fans to change a light bulb .? Forever because they spend the time talking about how good the old one was .

What's black and white , black and white , black and white ? A Newcastle player rolling in the penalty area .

How many Manchester United fans would it take to change a light bulb ?  3 , one to change the bulb , one to buy the commemorative celebration of changing the light bulb DVD  and the third to drive the other 2 back to London .

If David Beckham had have been in the Spice Girls would he have been called A Waste of Spice  ?

Chickens aren't allowed to play football because they'd be sent of for fowl play .

 Apologies for these pathetic jokes , but it's too cold outside for the allotment  and the wife is watching her usual awful American programmes so I've had to sek solace on this website . I should have put these on 2 at a time so I could beat Billie's total  , but my brain is a bit frazzled from " oh my GAAAAAD, ,  Ahhhhhsam , you guys  , I was like . etc. etc .

 

 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

The old - OLD ones are the best!

[Billy Davies]

I have diarrhoea, my dad's got diarrhoea and my son has diarrhoea. Runs in the family!!!!!!

[fenman]

I'm quite pleased with myself , we can't get sliced bread  so I've made a big knife that will cut through 4 loaves of bread at a time . I called it my 4 loaf cleaver .

 

[Jeff's Telling]

Gotta say these jokes are brilliant, make me and the missus laugh out loud - thanks to our funny contributors !

[Billy Davies]

My wife just screamed at me BILL!!!!!!!!!,  you have not listened to a word i have said, have you? What a strange way to start a conversation with me!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

My wife told me we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her "I think you mean fewer"!!!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

The inventor of The Jigsaw Puzzle died yesterday. His widow is said to be in pieces!!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

A motorway patrol car pulls level with a speeding car. Looking into the car the officer is amazed to see that the Blond female driver is knitting! The Policeman winds down his window and screams " PULL OVER" The blond replies " No silly. It is a scarf"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

I was walking through Drakes Circus Shopping Centre with my 11 year old son yesterday. He took a 2£ coin tossed it in the air and catches it between his teeth just to impress me but he fails to clamp down with his teeth and starts choking on the money. I panicked and started screaming. " Help is there a Doctor anywhere. My son is choking" A man sitting in a cafe drinking a coffee calmly finishes his drink and strolls over. He grabs hold of my sons balls and squeezes the hell out of them. My startled son writhes in agony and coughs up the money which the man catches and puts in his pocket and begins walking away. I run after him thanking him from the bottom of my heart, saying." You saved my sons life. You are amazing. Are you a Doctor"? No the man replies. "I work for HMRC"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

A man tried to sell me a coffin yesterday. I told him that was the last thing i need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fenman]

Good news for our football league , we've got a new team entered next season . They are a team made up of people with dyslexia  . They've called the team Dyslexia Untied .

 

Employees play football , middle management play tennis , C.E.O's play golf  . It's seems the higher up the chain of command the smaller the balls .

 A Norwich City fan was arrested for throwing stones in the river after a home defeat . At court the magistrate said to the Police Officer " this seems a rather trivial offence  to bring before the court , a man arrested for merely throwing stones in the river , honestly whatever next ? " The officer replied "  Mr. Stones was the match  referee your worships "

I should have these 3 pathetic jokes separate entries to catch up to Billy Davies .

Weather hot and overcast here Older , land dry and in need of rain .

[fenman]

Siamese twins were going on a driving holiday in France . I said  "why  are you going abroad , you dislike the French , why don't you stay in England ? " . One of them said " it's the only time I get to drive "

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

6 hours ago, fenman said:

Good news for our football league , we've got a new team entered next season . They are a team made up of people with dyslexia  . They've called the team Dyslexia Untied .

 

Employees play football , middle management play tennis , C.E.O's play golf  . It's seems the higher up the chain of command the smaller the balls .

 A Norwich City fan was arrested for throwing stones in the river after a home defeat . At court the magistrate said to the Police Officer " this seems a rather trivial offence  to bring before the court , a man arrested for merely throwing stones in the river , honestly whatever next ? " The officer replied "  Mr. Stones was the match  referee your worships "

I should have these 3 pathetic jokes separate entries to catch up to Billy Davies .

Weather hot and overcast here Older , land dry and in need of rain .

Stinking hot here as well, not desperate for rain yet but leaving the grass grow for a bit of protection. 

[Billy Davies]

Just been on my morning walk and some bloke said he was going to whack me with the neck of a guitar. I said "Is that a fret"?!!!!!

[fenman]

This probably isn't funny but it's my modern day version of an old joke

Roy Rogers the famous singing cowboy is riding across the plains  playing his guitar . A company of cavalry ride up .the Captain is like , hey dude are you Roy Rogers the famous cowboy . Roy Rogers is like absolutely , the captain is like wow awesome give me five man . Roy is like did you want me ?, the Captain is like yeah dude , a bit of like bad news a group of native Americans have burnt down your ranch . Roy is like wow man that's bad news and sags in his saddle . The Captain is like it gets worse dude they killed all your cattle . Roy is like wow that's not cool I'm like ruined , all my money was like in the ranch and cattle , he starts to sob . The Captain is like , there's more , they've also wiped out your entire family . Roy is like gee man that's the end , it's like the worst news you could give me . The Captain is like I'm sorry to tell you dude , we'll leave you to get back to the rest of your life , you have a nice day now . Roy rides off in a state of shock , the Captain stops the patrol and is like hey Roy , Roy turns  and the Captain is like Roy  give us a song before you go .

 

This sounds pathetic but this is the sort of grammar we will have in the future .

Weather hot still Older but rain possible tomorrow . I've been experimenting with spraying a weak sea weed liquid on some plants , be interesting to see the results ( he said reverting to proper English .) 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

Hello bud, stinking hot here with no prospect of rain in the forecast! But they've been known to get it wrong...lol.

Seaweed...good stuff.

[fenman]

Sadly this forum isn't the place discuss it , but modern language does baffle me  for instance when did  "absolutely "   mean   "yes " , when did all males become " gentlemen "  but most baffling of all , a man on his own is referred to a " a guy " , a man and a woman together are referred to as " you guys "  . totally baffling and slovenly use of a almost perfectly used language . Yes I accept that the English language is a mix of latin , French ,  German and Indian  which have been incorporated into English over the centuries . But I can't see how " like " can replace the verb  , when it means " similar to " . Following this use it seems that     " the secretary of the teachers union  was similar to we won't go back to school until it's safe " is now the correct grammar . Many people tell me that this slovenly misuse of English is perfectly in order as it   enhances the language . My response is " how long before some celebrity calls a horse a cow and we all follow suit .

I know many will ridicule me for my comments  but I would add this in my defence . I was speaking to an experienced senior detective recently . I asked him how they presented statements to the Crown  with this appalling grammar in them . His reply shocked me , he said the standard of spelling and general grammar in   statement taking by todays Police officers  is so poor that they now have specialist statement takers whose sole job is to travel round taking statements that are useable in prosecution .  

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

Yous gotta git down wiv the kids bro!

[Billy Davies]

Last night some thugs through a load of Chinese Dumplings at our house! Can you believe such Wonton vandalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fenman]

Last comment on the subject then back to jokes .

I don't think that spelling and bad grammar is the main problem Keith it's the inability to construct a statement , by getting all the details out of a witness  in a readable manner . When I retired in 2001 all the old methods were beginning to fade out in favour of dedicated custody suites where you dumped the prisoner made a brief statement and left the rest to the custody team . I worked with people with university degrees who were appalling spellers and dim with it  !!!!!!!!!!

I always thought my neighbour was bald , but I've just realised that he's taller than his hair .

His wife's got a small beard because she's had several face lifts .

Northern Ireland drew The Republic of Ireland in the World Cup . The problem was that they both played in green and white . A compromise was reached , Northern Ireland would play in Green and White stripes and the Republic would play in white and green stripes .. The Republic won 1-0  ,Northern Ireland missed a penalty in the last minute when the goalie sent the penalty taker the wrong way .

[Billy Davies]

A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge he put it on his driveway and put a sign on it "FREE TO A GOOD HOME. If you want it you can take it" Three days later the fridge was still there and nobody had expressed any interest. The man then changed the sign to "Fridge for sale 50£" That night someone stole it, job done!!!!

[panda]

When I was young my dad used to roll me and my brother down a hill inside old tyres. They were Goodyears!

[Billy Davies]

I have just been out on my morning walk AND........ I was attacked by 6 DWARVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not Happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fenman]

This isn't a joke but a story that MIGHT make some people at least  smile .

During my Police service I was a member of the special firearms team , on this team we trained on all sorts of disciplines  including surveillance techniques . Within the police service promotion scheme was what was called a carousal , whereby ex university graduates had spells of a year in all departments to gain a bit of experience in leadership . One of their attachments was the firearms training department . There they would be assistant to the chief inspector in charge of the teams . This particular year was the turn of a high flyer who was full of his own importance , but like me , utterly useless as a police officer . Unlike me he was destined for the top , but I would forever remain one step beneath a police dog in rank .  We trained for much of our time on the Stamford Army training grounds where much of Dads Army was filmed . It's a beautiful  area  almost totally as it was in the late 1930's when the military took it over. It's a naturalists heaven  as regards rare plants and wildlife . Sorry I'm digressing . On this particular occasion  we had in groups of 2 to construct a hide along a path beside a river . We had to be invisible to anyone walking along the path but be able to observe anyone on the path and give a running commentary  of their progress and actions as they walked . My partner Dicky and I were allocated a very difficult position  , and we racked our brains  to find  a way of concealing 2 people . As Older with his knowledge of grass will know , you can't just break and cut vegetation  without leaving any signs .After a very short time it will wilt and show it has been disturbed . We had to be in position by 12 o'clock noon ready to comment on the progress of an instructor and the high flyer as they walked along the path . In desperation I came up with a cunning plan ( where have I heard that before ?) . It was bending the rules slightly but we were desperate . The plan was for Dicky to climb up a nearby tree that was thick with Ivy , hopefully he could settle into a thick crutch in the tree and his  camouflage  clothing would blend in with the ivy . I would be able to construct a hide good enough for me to be unseen but able to commentate as well . We  booked on the radio net as  team one and team one alpha which raised some confusion in the command vehicle  as we were supposed to be one call sign . One snag we had was that neither Dicky or I had a watch  so having got ourselves in position and ready  we did occasional time checks with the command vehicle . The whole exercise was successful , none of the teams were detected and in the de brief we were all commended on our abilities to  find concealment etc. and Dicky and I were praised for our lateral thinking .The high flier  asked how was it that we had an extra call sign I told him( Dicky hadn't got the patience to talk to him )  that as we were at different heights we had different view points so could see different things , flier was a bit bewildered but accepted it . He then asked why we kept doing time checks , didn't we have a watch , all Police officers were expected to wear watches  he said why hadn't we got them .My dim brain suddenly worked  " yes sir we've got watches but the minute hand on mine has fallen off , I knew it was gone 11 o'clock but didn't know by how much . Dicky's watch  has lost it's hour hand so he knew it was 20 past but didn't know 20 past what " The instructors fought manfully not to laugh , but flier just said " oh I see , but I did wonder why you thought it necessary  to interrupt the airwaves " .A humorous reply utterly wasted  on him . He went on to become a Chief Superintendent  and in retirement  gives lectures at Police training departments , whereas I  continued my downward slide in life into retirement by washing out cattle floats , still not wearing a watch .

I won't count  this on our  joke league table Billy , so you're still ahead .

[baldy]

There are 10 types of people in this world .. those that understand binary and those who don’t.

[fenman]

Uncle Ben has sadly died , no more Mr. Rice guy

I bought the wife a wooden leg for Christmas , it wasn't the main present , just a stocking filler

When I was last in Truro the was this man playing a didgeridoo  , he was playing  Dancing Queen  I thought that's abba rigonal

I gave my cage bird a haircut , now he want's to be in James Bond films , he thinks he's Shawn Canary

I was in a pub  in St. Austell when there was a lizard on the bar standing on his hind legs  telling jokes  I said to the bar man " your lizards funny " He said " that's not a lizard that's a stand up chameleon "

I bought a new woolie  jumper from M&S , I got it home and it was full of static electricity , I took it back and they gave me another one free of charge

2 donkeys were waiting to cross a busy road one said " shall we chance it and just run across ?" , the other said  " not on your nelly , look what happened to the zebra  "

Apologies , these are so bad that when I come down to Cornwall I'll have to cover my face up .

 

[Billy Davies]

 I used to go out with a women called Amanda Lynne.

Lovely girl, a bit highly strung!!!!!!!

[fenman]

Barcelona football club decided to make the stadium one way . Fans went in at one end and all had to leave at the other . At the end of the game it was absolute chaos . Which goes to prove that you can't put all your Basques in one exit .

Rumour has it that Truro City have been bought by Sheik Anvac  , he's promised to put " the freshness into Truro City .

A message to the scumbag who stole my selfie stick  " you want to take a good look at yourself .

One for Keith B re. comment about  "gates of hell " my definition of " gates of hell " would be being forced to watch a Spice Girls concert "

[fenman]

During this lockdown the wife's getting fed up and needs a holiday . I bought a map of the world and pinned it up in the kitchen . I said " here's a dart  throw it at the map and wherever it lands we'll go there when this is over " Next year we are  off to the top of the fridge .

 I went to a concert once ( not the Spice Girls ) it was the Bermudan Philarmonic  Orchestra  . Partway through the man on the triangle disappeared .

The Richard the third camping company are having their annual mega sale I thought this must be the winter of discount tents .

 

 

[Billy Davies]

1 hour ago, fenman said:

During this lockdown the wife's getting fed up and needs a holiday . I bought a map of the world and pinned it up in the kitchen . I said " here's a dart  throw it at the map and wherever it lands we'll go there when this is over " Next year we are  off to the top of the fridge .

 I went to a concert once ( not the Spice Girls ) it was the Bermudan Philarmonic  Orchestra  . Partway through the man on the triangle disappeared .

The Richard the third camping company are having their annual mega sale I thought this must be the winter of discount tents .

 

 

Fenman you are a funny man an though we will probably never meet it has been a puntastic pleasure jocularly jousting with you. Stay safe and sane and keep em coming. Cheers Bill.

[fenman]

Police are appealing for witnesses after the boardroom at Plymouth F.C.  was burgled  and the contents of their trophy cabinet were stolen . 2 people were seen leaving carrying a green and white carpet .

A lorry load of Vick Vapour Rub has overturned on the dual carriage way at  Bodmin  , Police say that luckily there is no congestion .

[fenman]

I once saved Meat Loafs live , he was choking on a German sausage , I managed to get it out , he said " thanks you took the Wurst right out of my mouth .

Yesterday whilst out walking on the Broads I met this interesting man , he invented the crossword . Lovely chap , very interesting I forget his name it's P something , T something R something .

My grandson is over the moon , he's in a drama group and he's just got his first part . He's playing a man who's been married for 30 years . I said " Well done , you might get a speaking part next time "

[fenman]

I've been practicing chocolate magic , I always have a few Twix up my sleeves .

The mem sahib has been moaning about my obsession with tennis , she says there's more important things I should be doing at my age . I  said to her " I'm only 40 love "

I hate going to posh restaurants  , I always get bewildered by it all I went to one last week I ordered a Del Monica steak with chips , the waiter took my order and said " aperitif ? " I said "  no thanks I've got my own "

Talking of food we had chicken tarka for tea tonight , it's like chicken  tikka but a little otter .

My mate's a perfectionist I went round the other day and he'd put all his cooking herbs in alphabetical order . I said  " I don't know where you find the time " He said " It's next to the tarragon "

My brother in law thinks he's famous , he's written his autobiography , unfortunately he spilt some of this new Gorrilla glue on it and he said he accidently glued himself to the book I think he's lying but that's his story and he's sticking to it .

Just to prove that my jokes can get worse , here's a true story . I'd been in the Police on my first posting about a month and was being driven round by the shift inspector . We passed a care home with a group of old boys sitting outside . One of them had a leg missing . I waved to him , the Inspector said " why did you wave to him , do you know him "? I said " no but he's not a complete stranger , he's only got one leg , he's an incomplete stranger " I saw the inspector a few months ago , poor old boy he's in his 80's and in a wheelchair but still sharp as a button . He was pleased to see me and he said " do you know I still remember your quick joke  from 50 years ago and I still laugh at the spontaneity of it .

Shall I risk one more !!!!!!

I was in Wales last year I went to the railway station ticket office and said " a day return to Llanfairpwwlglylgogerychwymdropwillantisiliogogogoch  please " he said  "first class ?" I said  "thanks very much , do you know I've practicing that for a month ?"

Well as the Frenchman said when I pelted him with eggs " one oeuf is en oeuf ."

There's absolutely no truth in the rumours that Richard Chown  has told me to put these jokes on here in the hope that people will  contribute money to the forum appeal if I stop posting .

I want to see the total raised to over £300 by the time Keith B posts on here tomorrow .

[Billy Davies]

I met this women in Zurich once. She had a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between her toes on her left foot and a corkscrew between her toes on her right foot. I asked what was going on and she replied. "I am a Swiss Army Wife"!!!!!!

[fenman]

A chap down the road is advertising a really good strong wooden gate , it's free . I said "what's the catch ? "  He said " it's the thing that allows it to open and shut the gate

I was ever so pleased , I saw some jeans advertised in the local shop . It said  " good quality jeans for sale 30 % off . When I put them on they came up to my knees ,I took them back and complained to the manager . He said " yes the legs are where we took the 30 % off "

I got this odd job man in to do some work for me . I gave him 8 jobs to do , he did jobs  1 , 3,  , 5, and 7  . I'm now looking in yellow pages for an even jobs man to finish them off . An old friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid , I told him it was dangerous but he said " don't worry I can stop any time " .

An extremely pathetic one . Lord Nelson a good old Norfolk boy , was  only 5 feet tall , his statue on top of the tower  in Trafalgar Square is 45 feet tall , that's Horatio of 15 to 1 .

[John Mead]

6 hours ago, Keith B said:

Ha ha - don't know where you get them from fenman but what a laugh ! Missed your true vocation sit, you should have been a stand up comedian ! 

He should be on the stage. It leaves at 7.30!

[baldy]

Should be at the Palladium, sweeping the stage!

[fenman]

I think my present job as a bovine transport cleansing consultant is about the right career for my limited abilities rather than as a comedian .

In plain English I wash  cattle floats out after the cattle have consumed vast quantities if Older and Mr. Greens  grass and passed it out through the other end . The consultancy bit comes in when the boss says " do you think the float could do with a wash ?" I say " yes " so he's consulted me .

I had to take the wife to the surgery yesterday . She had a slight earache and felt a bit dizzy . The Doctor said " have you got vertigo ?" She said " no just across the other side of the road .

[fenman]

In the 1960's Liverpool F.C.  developed their own brand of aftershave , they planned a big advertising campaign with Yul Brynner , sadly  it was a failure , apparently Yul never wore cologne .

[Billy Davies]

A wealthy couple decided to go out for the evening so they gave their butler Jarvis the night off. However once at the party the lady of the house became bored and returned home alone leaving her husband to enjoy himself. When she arrived home she found Jarvis alone in the dining room. She called him over and asked him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom and said to him "Jarvis take off my dress" Jarvis obeyed. "Jarvis" She continued. "I want you to take off my stockings and suspender belt" Again Jarvis silently obeyed. Both were breathing heavily as the tension between them increased. She then looked sternly at him and said " If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"!!!!

[fenman]

I took my son into work the other day  , he spent the morning in the office mixing with my colleagues . As we left everyone said goodbye and the boy said out loud " I'm a bit sad daddy , where are all the clowns that you said worked with you ?"

My sister in law is dim . I rang her the other day to see if all was well and how they managed with the shopping as they live in a remote area of the Fens .  She said that her daughter does the shopping for her every Thursday , I said " does she leave it outside or bring it indoors ?" she said " she brings it indoors , but it's alright we go in the cupboard under the stairs to unpack . You know where the things that measure the gas and electric supplies are . We go there so we are two meters apart "

While I was talking to her I got onto the subject of football , which I know she hate's . I said " what did you think of Georgie Best ?" She " I didn't really like him I preferred Bungle and Zippy "

Apologies for these but I have to keep ahead of Billie Davies

I know they are pathetic but I'll keep on posting until you all surrender and get  to the forum appeal target .

Here is the 6 .00 o'clock news for Monday the 25th of May . The Cornwall Football Appeal  today raised £ 900 . Money flooded in in an effort to stop childish jokes posted on their web site by a lunatic believed to be living in Norfolk and his accomplice a Mr B . Davies .

Davies is known to the Police , he was spoken to in St. Austell recently  for playing a ukulele in the street . He wasn't  arrested but was asked to accompany the officer at the Police Station .

[fenman]

I've just got back from the allotment , every thing is dry and some parts are so rock hard that sparks fly off the spade when you try to dig . But I did cut a lovely bunch of Sweet Williams , I put them in a vase , jammed them in the vase haphazardly  and stood back to admire them . I said to the wife " look at that , a Manchester United display ? "  She said  "  what  are you rambling on about you senile fool , what have they got to do with Manchester United ?"  . I said " well it's obvious , they are an untidy bunch of flowers , and it's nice to see them  in the middle of the table "

[Billy Davies]

A man follows a women with an parrot out of a cinema, stops her and says, " I am sorry to bother you but I could not help noticing that your bird seemed to understand the film. He cried at the right parts and he laughed at the jokes.  Don't you find that unusual?" "I do indeed" She replied "He absolutely hated the book"!!!!!!!!!!