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fenman

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fenman last won the day on July 4

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About fenman

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  1. I can't stand the sight of the appeal stuck on £505 , it's as bad as being in a store that's playing a Spice Girl c.d. . I'll send another £25. in the morning , I won £25 on the Premium Bond this week so you can have it .
  2. Just to relieve the sheer misery of celebrating 50 years of marriage tomorrow I'll take it to over the £500 mark . I need new shoes and the wife expects a present tomorrow but to hell with it we can go hungry for a few days to keep the forum going and if we ever get down to St. Austell this year and meet Older , Keith B and Billy I can look them in the eye ( or both eyes ) .
  3. One of the old boys on the allotment suggested I put horse muck on my rhubarb , I've tried it , it's alright but I still prefer custard . A group of birds that stick together are called vel crows A big chess tournament is underway , one night in the hotel foyer a group of players are talking about their performances . The manager tells them to leave . They ask him why , he says " I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ". A lorry carrying ballroom gowns has overturned near Indian Queens . Police have advised drivers to go slow, slow , quick, quick slow . If you have this meeting Billy I won't be able to attend because I'll be too embarrassed after this offering BUT the forum appeal is improving .
  4. 3 nuns in a nunnery , one says " I found a pornographic magazine in Father Benedict's desk yesterday " . The second one said " what did you do with it ?" the first one said " I was disgusted , I put on my rubber gloves took it outside and burnt it " The second one said " yes and I found a packet of condoms in his desk a fortnight ago " The first one said " disgusting , did you burn them ?" "No I put holes in them with a hat pin " . There was a crash as the third nun fainted . Two nuns ( different ones ) decided to paint their dormitory . They decided on a colour and started to paint the walls , they got paint everywhere . One said this is silly we are going to ruin our habits " The other one said " how about if we strip off and paint naked then we can wash the paint off afterwards , there's no one here to see us " So they undress and paint in the nude . A knock at the door " who is it ?" " The blind man " is the reply . "Shall we let him in ?" says one nun . " well he's blind so he won't see us it can't do any harm " They open the door and he walks in " nice boobs sisters , where do you want these venetian blinds hanging ?" . Apologies for any offence .
  5. A Catholic school had it's Summer fete . A nun put a display of apples out with a note which said " only take one because God is watching you " . A young boy sees a display of cakes , he quickly scribbles a note and puts it on the cakes , it said " take as many as you want because God is watching the apples " A young lad rings 999 , the operator said " what's the problem ?" , he said "2 girls are fighting over me " the operator said " why is it an emergency ?" he said " the ugly one is winning " A blonde woman , a priest , a college boy and a pilot are in a plane which is about to crash . The problem is that there was only 3 parachutes . The pilot grabs one and jumps out shouting " I'm a pilot I'm needed , people need me there's a shortage of pilots " The blonde grabs a parachute and jumps out shouting " I can't die my hair will be in a mess and my makeup will run if I crash and die " The college boy hands the priest a parachute and says " we haven't got much time get this on quick " the priest said " no son you take it you're young with your life ahead of you , I'll take a chance that God will protect me " . The college boy straps on a parachute and hands the priest another one , the priest said " I thought there was only 3 parachutes ? " the college boy said " there was , the blonde girl took my rucksack " A man goes into a bar in Bodmin and see's a really fat girl dancing naked on the table . He says "good legs " she says " oh thank you , do you really think so ?" He said " Oh yes most definitely most tables would have collapsed by now ".
  6. Here we go again I'm staying up late to keep ahead of Billy Davies This German Catholic went to confessional he said " father I have sinned " the priest said " tell me about your sin my son " The German said " I hid a Jew in my cellar during the war the priest said " there 'is no sin in that " , the German said " but I charged him 50 reichmarks a week " . The priest said " again it's not a sin it was an act of humanity my son " there 's no sin in that " The German said " thank you father you've eased my mind I no longer field guilty ,however I do have one question " the priest said " tell me my son , it can't be a bad sin " the German said " should I tell him that the war is over ?" A man joins Lostwithiel football club , after the game in the clubroom the captain tells him all new players have to tell the other players about their life .The player tells the others stories of his hot life . When he gets home his wife said " how did you get on ?" he said " I think I played alright but I had to tell the other players about yachting after the game in the bar " She thought it a bit odd but thought footballers were weird anyway . Later in the week she bumped into one of the players wives in Asda . The other woman said " your husband gave quite an amusing talk after the game I hear , he must be very experienced " His wife said " not really he's only done it twice and the second time he was sick " I was at my daughters in St. Austell , we were eating our dinner , my grandson said " are bugs good to eat granddad ?" My daughter said " shut up Thomas don't ask granddad disgusting things when he's eating " . After dinner I said to Thomas " what was it you asked me at dinner ?" .He said "it doesn't matter now but there was a great big bug in your soup but it's gone now " One final one a bit risky but its after the 9 o'clock watershed .. I asked this attractive Chinese girl her number , she said " , , ,free tonight . I became all excited , but her brother said " its 666-3629 "
  7. If you see a scruffy white haired old man shuffling up to the gate it'll be me . I mostly take son in law and grandchildren to watch Argyle on Saturdays , but as we've missed most of the summer we hope to come down 3 or 4 times between September and Christmas to make up for lost visits, so I might come and watch Lostwwithiel as it's only down the road from St. Austell .
  8. Donated , it'll mean going without food for a few days and the grandchildren will have to miss their birthday presents , I'll have to manage wearing socks with holes in for a few weeks but never mind its a good cause . I would say that my jeans have the knees and behind ripped , but they are in fashion so don't count as hardship .
  9. That's him Darren Morse !!! I used to love reading his match reports , they were really original and in the Tommy Cooper style . Just shows you how eccentric I am , reading about matches 400 miles away . It's a small world at times , I was watching a game at Mawgan Porth a couple of seasons ago when I bumped into David Avery who was the secretary of the opposition , through strange circumstances David sponsors my son's motorbike racing . Don't ask me how this came about . Although I knew David was into motorbikes I didn't know he was heavily involved with football as well so it was a sort of double take when I saw him wandering round the pitch . Just after I retired from the Police I got a job in a museum moving suits of armour about , I don't know why I took it on I always hated knight shifts . ( pathetic , bottom of the barrel stuff ) I sent away to Waterstones for a thesaurus , when I opened it the pages were blank . I was really angry but I couldn't find words to describe my anger . Years ago my wife used to make fizzy sweets . The kids loved them . During this lockdown I said "why don't you make some for the grandchildren ? " She can't remember how to make them so she's gone on a " Refresher " course . There was a siege in Norwich last night , the people in the house eventually surrendered , the Police shouted " come out with your hands washed " ( I can't apologise enough for that one ) This one is worse . A plane carrying Japanese car parts lost some of it's cargo last night over Bodmin Moor , locals say it was raining Datsun cogs .
  10. I've won £30 on the lottery , can't spend it on the race bikes till July so you can have it .
  11. I went to the greengrocers today . I asked for a kilo of potatoes , the assistant said "do you want new ones ?" I said " I'd prefer new ones , but second hand will do " There used to be a lad on one of the league sites either Trelawney or Duchy who did funny story match results . I'm surprised he's not posted on here .
  12. Good news for insomniacs only 3 more sleeps till Christmas .
  13. Good one Billy . This is not a joke but a couple of things that I heard on our local BBC programme , the equivalent of your Laurence Read show . Myra Hindley had just died , from cancer I think , and the presenter was recalling her crimes . A woman rang in ( now you've got to imagine an elderly Norfolk woman's voice , no not Mummersett , Norfolk ) . She said it was a disgrace and a travesty of justice that they let Hindley die .she said they should have used drugs to keep her alive till she died . The presenter said that she had died , but the woman insisted that the authorities shouldn't have let her die but kept her alive till she died . She was quite irate about it and the presenter couldn't really answer her logic . Another comical one was on the same radio station .It was a quiz with one question which ran until someone gave the correct answer .This particular one had been running a few days and the presenter began to give clues . A woman rang in , before she gave her answer she said " I had an answer but I've changed my mind , can I give a different one ?" The presenter said " well I don't know what your answer was . so give me your new one " The woman said " yes but it's not my original answer , I changed my mind , if I give my new one it's cheating " Again the presenter tried to explain that he didn't know what her original answer was so she could give her new one . This went on for a few minutes until the woman gave her original answer because she said she would be accused of cheating if she gave the other one . Probably this could only happen in Norfolk . Mummersett is the phrase used by people in Norfolk and Suffolk to describe the dialect often used in films and t.v. to mimic our accents and those in Somerset and Dorset .
  14. If this is still open on my next pension day 15th June I'll donate another £25 , we must keep it going , once it's gone , that's it forever .
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