Billy Davies Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 Aladin has been banned from The Magic Carpet Grand Prix, he has been found to have used performance enhancing rugs. Stay safe and keep smiling. mattelot, RAPPO, B Manning and 5 others 4 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 After today's resounding success look out for tomorrows rib tickler when i awake, probably around lunchtime. Dave Deacon 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cornishteddyboy Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 When I was little, before he went to work, my father used to give me a sixpence to save and a pat on the head. By the time I was 16 I had £3492 in the bank and a flat head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Collings Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 www,conjunctivitus.com Now there's a site for sore eyes ! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Devils@Dusk and Billy Davies 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin McHugh Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 Velcro,,,,,,,, what a rip off . Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adlestrop Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 Did you know that the Duke of Edinburgh's chamber pot is placed on top of his wardrobe? It is because he is the highest Peer in the Country. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Billy Davies 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 My half Spanish nephew is just about to start school and can't even say please. That is poor for four!! JD621 and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneye Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 In Liverpool Police saw a docks worker kicking a tortoise. When asked why he was doing it he replied 'because it's been following me around all day'. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and B Manning 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 They asked the Man U keeper what he thought of all the thousands of screaming, shouting arseholes behind him every game, he replied..."not half as bad as the 22 in front of me!" B Manning, Devils@Dusk, Town Fan and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Collings Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 11 hours ago, Martin McHugh said: Velcro,,,,,,,, what a rip off . have you sold that Hoover yet Martin ? you know its only collecting dust. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B Manning Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Two aliens talking one commented I do not know what caused the demise of the human race but, they have the cleanest arses I have ever seen. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneye Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 As they lived in identical houses Dave asked Bob how many rolls of wallpaper he bought to do his lounge. 5 said Bob. After he did his lounge Dave told Bob that he had 2 rolls left over. Yes, so did I said Bob! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldy Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool. The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '. The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're a duck '. The duck replies 'Yeah, nothing wrong with your eyesight '. The bartender says 'But you can talk, you're a talking duck!' 'Nothing wrong with your ears either ' replies the duck, 'You see that new housing development across the road?, I'll be working over there for a few weeks. Every day, I will be coming over here for a toasted sandwich and a beer for lunch. Do you have a problem with that? If so I'll go elsewhere.' The bartender replied 'no no all good.' And got the duck his toasted sandwich and beer. The next day at lunch time, the duck waddles in, sits at the bar and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender is shaking his head in disbelief. Every day for the next week the duck comes over for his lunch and the bartender still can't believe it. One day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the pub , the bartender sees him and tells him about the talking duck that comes in every day for lunch. The ringmaster is keen to have him in his circus. At lunch time the duck waddles in and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender tells the duck how the circus is in town and the ringmaster said he has a job for him. 'Circus?' The duck asks, They're those things that travel all around the place aren't they?' 'Yes, thats right' the bartender replies. 'And these circuses, they use large tents, don't they?' The duck asks. 'Correct ' says the bartender. 'These tents are made of canvas aren't they? The duck says, looking puzzled. 'That's right' says the bartender. 'Then what the **** would they want with a plasterer? Billy Davies, Dave Deacon, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and 3 others 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adlestrop Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Mary : "how come you have exotic holidays each year ?" Liz : "because my husband works for Cunard ! Mary :"well my husband works fu**ing hard as well:but we can't afford them" TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adlestrop Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Honestly,these jokes about Shakespeare are terrible! In fact they're going from BARD to VERSE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adlestrop Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument: Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea" Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !" TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Town Man Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 1 hour ago, Adlestrop said: A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument: Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea" Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !" Wasn't that Winston Churchills joke? Not sure who he said it to but it was someone famous. Any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneye Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Jethro was stopped by the Traffic Police and asked to go around to the back of his car. Your side lights are not working said the Policeman. Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, but your brake lights are not working. Once again Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, now let's see if you can go around to the front of the car and kick up a tax disc!! Town Fan, Devils@Dusk and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Themanhimself Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 2 lads were arrested today. 1 for eating batteries the other for eating fireworks 1 was charged the other was let off TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattelot Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 We once had a dog .we called him Blacksmith because he was always making a bolt for the door ! 😁 Town Fan, Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobjfh Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 A man visits his local zoo, for the first time. He walks around the zoo and it was completely empty, except for one enclosure with a dog in it. It was a shitzu Town Fan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 1 minute ago, Bobjfh said: A man visits his local zoo, for the first time. He walks around the zoo and it was completely empty, except for one enclosure with a dog in it. It was a shitzu Heard that one before...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattelot Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 33 minutes ago, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas said: Heard that one before...lol When I was little I found a toy dog with no legs in a jumble sale .I called him woodbine cos I had to take him for a drag .😁 TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Town Fan 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna ride bikes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAPPO Posted March 26, 2020 Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 DHL driver been out working 14 hours a day for the last 3 weeks delivering toilet roll to the elderly...just gone sick with a bad tissue injury mattelot and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GEACH1 Posted March 26, 2020 Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 Someone once told me I would make a great goalkeeper! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Themanhimself Posted March 26, 2020 Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 A friend of mine is in hospital cause he sat on a hoover. I spoke to the doctor who assured me he's picking up well TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAPPO Posted March 26, 2020 Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 Ordered a Chinese delivery...took ages, so when he pulled up at the end of the drive I went out to take it off him. He started shouting ISOLATE, ISOLATE!!! I said yeah don’t worry bout it mate, I know you must be busy!! 😀 Devils@Dusk, Themanhimself, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted March 26, 2020 Report Share Posted March 26, 2020 Recently seen in the small ads: FOR SALE One Encyclopedia Britannica, no longer required as I just got married and the wife knows everything..... Billy Davies, Devils@Dusk and mattelot 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 27, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2020 I have used my time off work wisely and just finished writing my first book. The A to C of being lazy! Town Fan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted March 27, 2020 Report Share Posted March 27, 2020 Sticking with the book theme. When 'A Tale of Two Cities' was first serialised in the British newspapers, it was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. Billy Davies 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 Japan have now banned the transport of animals within their borders after they discovered some nibbled beds in Tokyo. They think it is a case of futon mouse!! Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted March 28, 2020 Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 My wife looked out the window this morning and said she was going out to scrape the car. "Against what?" is apparently not the right response. Varksy, Tommy Matthews and Billy Davies 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 I went to see the Doctor last week about having a vasectomy. He told me it was a huge decision and I needed to talk thins trough with my wife and children. I informed we had and the we all voted and we decided in favour 15 to 7, result!! Devils@Dusk, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Town Fan and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted March 29, 2020 Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 I just rang Alcoholics Anonymous and said I didn't think I had enough beer to get me through this lock down. They're really quite rude, aren't they! Billy Davies, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted March 29, 2020 Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 2 hours ago, Town Fan said: I just rang Alcoholics Anonymous and said I didn't think I had enough beer to get me through this lock down. They're really quite rude, aren't they! Love it...LMFAO Town Fan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 As well as sowing appreciation to our wonderful NHS Staff by clapping at 8pm we could show our support for the army of courier drivers by all clapping at some time between 8am and 6pm!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Town Fan and Chris Davey 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff's Telling Posted March 30, 2020 Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 I went out for my daily exercise walk earlier today, just down the road from my place a big hole has opened up in the road. So I rang Cornwall Council to report it, they said they would send some around to look into it. After that I rang my hairdresser to see if I could go in for a trim, but they said that they're not cutting hair any longer What a morning ! Billy Davies, Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted March 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2020 Sister Catherine joined a nunnery and was told by the gnarly head nun that it was a silent order and every 5 years they were allowed 2 words each. 5 years passed and in the big hall Catherine was allowed to stand up and say 2 words. Hard Bed were her choice and Sister Mary nodded and added So Noted. A further 5 years passed an Catherine was again in the big hall and summoned to speak, cold food she said and Sister Mary nodded and said so noted. After a further 5 years the process was repeated, this time Catherine said I quit. Sister Mary quickly replied I think it is for the best. You have done F**K all but moan since you arrived!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Town Fan and Devils@Dusk 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted March 31, 2020 Report Share Posted March 31, 2020 I was in the kitchen the other day and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone. So I did. The wasp is dead, the phone is broken and my niece is in tears. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Devils@Dusk, Billy Davies and 1 other 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneye Posted March 31, 2020 Report Share Posted March 31, 2020 I was walking past a building site recently and saw a couple of guys at the top of some very high scaffolding. All of a sudden the youngest of the guys ran along the boards and jumped off and hurt himself badly on the concrete below. When his mate came down I asked him what happened. 'I don't know' he said, 'we were just talking about the 2nd World War and how my grandad flew in wellingtons'. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Billy Davies and Town Fan 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted April 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 My F*****g cat just asked me if I wanted the radio left on as he is going out!! The B*****D!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Town Fan 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Collings Posted April 1, 2020 Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 This isolation is getting to me. I started talking to a spider yesterday, he told me he was a web designer - not sure that he should be working from MY home. Devils@Dusk, Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Collings Posted April 1, 2020 Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 23 minutes ago, Keith B said: You leave the radio on for the cat Billy ? Fair enough really because Billy is probably still using a cat's whisker radio !! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Billy Davies 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted April 1, 2020 Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 Two women chatting, one asks "Why do you take baths in milk?" The other replies "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower." TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted April 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 5 hours ago, Paul Collings said: Fair enough really because Billy is probably still using a cat's whisker radio !! Paul i have no idea what you are on about us youngsters use DAB which is exactly what you will be getting from me the next time we meet!! Paul Collings 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted April 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2020 Brazilian forward Ronaldho goes into Burgerking and asks for 2 whoppers. The guy serving say ok " You aren't fat and you haven't lost it" !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted April 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2020 I have been sacked from my job on the dodgems at the amusement park. I am going to sue for Funfair Dismissal. Town Fan, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and mattelot 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneye Posted April 3, 2020 Report Share Posted April 3, 2020 Brian only went into his local pub once a year, on New Years Eve. He would always drink 3 pints, one for himself and the other two on behalf of his two brothers who live in Australia. However last year he only ordered two pints. Has one of your brother died asked the landlord. No said Brian, but I've become teetotal!! bighairydave, Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Town Fan Posted April 3, 2020 Report Share Posted April 3, 2020 A man was driving through the countryside one day, as he passed a nice little cottage there was a sign outside saying 'Talking Dog for Sale' so he pulled into the driveway and knocked on the door. A middle aged man answered. "I believe you have a talking dog for sale?" "Yes, come on in, he's just in his basket. Go over and have a word." So he went over to the dog, an Alsatian, it was about 5 years old. "How are you, mate?" "Well not too bad, thank you mate. Thanks for asking" replied the dog. "I'm having a couple of days off, I've had a bit of a traumatic time. You see, I was over in a war zone as a sniffer dog. Bombs going off every day, people shooting at you, rockets whizzing past your head. I've just recently come back after 6 months and I'm just going to lay here in my basket and have some time to myself." "Well that's only fair. Good on you, enjoy yourself" So the man goes over to the owner, "How much for your dog then?" "£5." "£5? That's cheap for a talking dog!" "That's dog's a lying so and so, he's never even left Cornwall!" Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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