Billy Davies 498 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 Aladin has been banned from The Magic Carpet Grand Prix, he has been found to have used performance enhancing rugs. Stay safe and keep smiling. RAPPO, B Manning, mattelot and 5 others 4 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 24 Author Report Share Posted March 24 After today's resounding success look out for tomorrows rib tickler when i awake, probably around lunchtime. Dave Deacon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cornishteddyboy 0 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 When I was little, before he went to work, my father used to give me a sixpence to save and a pat on the head. By the time I was 16 I had £3492 in the bank and a flat head. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Collings 351 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 www,conjunctivitus.com Now there's a site for sore eyes ! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Billy Davies and Devils@Dusk 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Martin McHugh 361 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 Velcro,,,,,,,, what a rip off . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Billy Davies 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adlestrop 126 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 Did you know that the Duke of Edinburgh's chamber pot is placed on top of his wardrobe? It is because he is the highest Peer in the Country. Billy Davies, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Keith B 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 25 Author Report Share Posted March 25 My half Spanish nephew is just about to start school and can't even say please. That is poor for four!! Keith B and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goldeneye 427 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 In Liverpool Police saw a docks worker kicking a tortoise. When asked why he was doing it he replied 'because it's been following me around all day'. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and B Manning 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 4,036 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 They asked the Man U keeper what he thought of all the thousands of screaming, shouting arseholes behind him every game, he replied..."not half as bad as the 22 in front of me!" mattelot, Town Fan, Devils@Dusk and 2 others 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Collings 351 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 11 hours ago, Martin McHugh said: Velcro,,,,,,,, what a rip off . have you sold that Hoover yet Martin ? you know its only collecting dust. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
B Manning 404 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 Two aliens talking one commented I do not know what caused the demise of the human race but, they have the cleanest arses I have ever seen. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goldeneye 427 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 As they lived in identical houses Dave asked Bob how many rolls of wallpaper he bought to do his lounge. 5 said Bob. After he did his lounge Dave told Bob that he had 2 rolls left over. Yes, so did I said Bob! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
baldy 316 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool. The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '. The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're a duck '. The duck replies 'Yeah, nothing wrong with your eyesight '. The bartender says 'But you can talk, you're a talking duck!' 'Nothing wrong with your ears either ' replies the duck, 'You see that new housing development across the road?, I'll be working over there for a few weeks. Every day, I will be coming over here for a toasted sandwich and a beer for lunch. Do you have a problem with that? If so I'll go elsewhere.' The bartender replied 'no no all good.' And got the duck his toasted sandwich and beer. The next day at lunch time, the duck waddles in, sits at the bar and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender is shaking his head in disbelief. Every day for the next week the duck comes over for his lunch and the bartender still can't believe it. One day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the pub , the bartender sees him and tells him about the talking duck that comes in every day for lunch. The ringmaster is keen to have him in his circus. At lunch time the duck waddles in and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender tells the duck how the circus is in town and the ringmaster said he has a job for him. 'Circus?' The duck asks, They're those things that travel all around the place aren't they?' 'Yes, thats right' the bartender replies. 'And these circuses, they use large tents, don't they?' The duck asks. 'Correct ' says the bartender. 'These tents are made of canvas aren't they? The duck says, looking puzzled. 'That's right' says the bartender. 'Then what the **** would they want with a plasterer? kevin richards, Dave Deacon, Billy Davies and 3 others 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Adlestrop 126 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 Mary : "how come you have exotic holidays each year ?" Liz : "because my husband works for Cunard ! Mary :"well my husband works fu**ing hard as well:but we can't afford them" TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adlestrop 126 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 Honestly,these jokes about Shakespeare are terrible! In fact they're going from BARD to VERSE! Link to post Share on other sites
Adlestrop 126 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument: Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea" Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !" TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Devils@Dusk and Keith B 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Town Man 132 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 1 hour ago, Adlestrop said: A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument: Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea" Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !" Wasn't that Winston Churchills joke? Not sure who he said it to but it was someone famous. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Goldeneye 427 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 Jethro was stopped by the Traffic Police and asked to go around to the back of his car. Your side lights are not working said the Policeman. Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, but your brake lights are not working. Once again Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, now let's see if you can go around to the front of the car and kick up a tax disc!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Keith B, Town Fan and 1 other 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Themanhimself 277 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 2 lads were arrested today. 1 for eating batteries the other for eating fireworks 1 was charged the other was let off TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mattelot 550 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 We once had a dog .we called him Blacksmith because he was always making a bolt for the door ! 😁 Town Fan, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Billy Davies 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bobjfh 566 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 A man visits his local zoo, for the first time. He walks around the zoo and it was completely empty, except for one enclosure with a dog in it. It was a shitzu Town Fan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 4,036 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 1 minute ago, Bobjfh said: A man visits his local zoo, for the first time. He walks around the zoo and it was completely empty, except for one enclosure with a dog in it. It was a shitzu Heard that one before...lol Link to post Share on other sites
mattelot 550 Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 33 minutes ago, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas said: Heard that one before...lol When I was little I found a toy dog with no legs in a jumble sale .I called him woodbine cos I had to take him for a drag .😁 TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Town Fan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 26 Author Report Share Posted March 26 How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna ride bikes. Link to post Share on other sites
RAPPO 1,654 Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 DHL driver been out working 14 hours a day for the last 3 weeks delivering toilet roll to the elderly...just gone sick with a bad tissue injury mattelot and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GEACH1 285 Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 Someone once told me I would make a great goalkeeper! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Themanhimself 277 Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 A friend of mine is in hospital cause he sat on a hoover. I spoke to the doctor who assured me he's picking up well TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RAPPO 1,654 Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 Ordered a Chinese delivery...took ages, so when he pulled up at the end of the drive I went out to take it off him. He started shouting ISOLATE, ISOLATE!!! I said yeah don’t worry bout it mate, I know you must be busy!! 😀 mattelot, Themanhimself, Keith B and 3 others 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 Recently seen in the small ads: FOR SALE One Encyclopedia Britannica, no longer required as I just got married and the wife knows everything..... Devils@Dusk, Keith B, Billy Davies and 1 other 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 27 Author Report Share Posted March 27 I have used my time off work wisely and just finished writing my first book. The A to C of being lazy! Town Fan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 Sticking with the book theme. When 'A Tale of Two Cities' was first serialised in the British newspapers, it was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. Billy Davies 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 28 Author Report Share Posted March 28 Japan have now banned the transport of animals within their borders after they discovered some nibbled beds in Tokyo. They think it is a case of futon mouse!! Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted March 28 Report Share Posted March 28 My wife looked out the window this morning and said she was going out to scrape the car. "Against what?" is apparently not the right response. Tommy Matthews, Billy Davies, Varksy and 1 other 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 29 Author Report Share Posted March 29 I went to see the Doctor last week about having a vasectomy. He told me it was a huge decision and I needed to talk thins trough with my wife and children. I informed we had and the we all voted and we decided in favour 15 to 7, result!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Chris Davey, Town Fan and 1 other 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted March 29 Report Share Posted March 29 I just rang Alcoholics Anonymous and said I didn't think I had enough beer to get me through this lock down. They're really quite rude, aren't they! Billy Davies, Devils@Dusk and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 4,036 Posted March 29 Report Share Posted March 29 2 hours ago, Town Fan said: I just rang Alcoholics Anonymous and said I didn't think I had enough beer to get me through this lock down. They're really quite rude, aren't they! Love it...LMFAO Town Fan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 30 Author Report Share Posted March 30 As well as sowing appreciation to our wonderful NHS Staff by clapping at 8pm we could show our support for the army of courier drivers by all clapping at some time between 8am and 6pm!! Town Fan, Chris Davey and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff's Telling 109 Posted March 30 Report Share Posted March 30 I went out for my daily exercise walk earlier today, just down the road from my place a big hole has opened up in the road. So I rang Cornwall Council to report it, they said they would send some around to look into it. After that I rang my hairdresser to see if I could go in for a trim, but they said that they're not cutting hair any longer What a morning ! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Billy Davies and Town Fan 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted March 31 Author Report Share Posted March 31 Sister Catherine joined a nunnery and was told by the gnarly head nun that it was a silent order and every 5 years they were allowed 2 words each. 5 years passed and in the big hall Catherine was allowed to stand up and say 2 words. Hard Bed were her choice and Sister Mary nodded and added So Noted. A further 5 years passed an Catherine was again in the big hall and summoned to speak, cold food she said and Sister Mary nodded and said so noted. After a further 5 years the process was repeated, this time Catherine said I quit. Sister Mary quickly replied I think it is for the best. You have done F**K all but moan since you arrived!!!! Devils@Dusk, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Town Fan 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted March 31 Report Share Posted March 31 I was in the kitchen the other day and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone. So I did. The wasp is dead, the phone is broken and my niece is in tears. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Devils@Dusk, Tommy Matthews and 1 other 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goldeneye 427 Posted March 31 Report Share Posted March 31 I was walking past a building site recently and saw a couple of guys at the top of some very high scaffolding. All of a sudden the youngest of the guys ran along the boards and jumped off and hurt himself badly on the concrete below. When his mate came down I asked him what happened. 'I don't know' he said, 'we were just talking about the 2nd World War and how my grandad flew in wellingtons'. Town Fan, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Billy Davies 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted April 1 Author Report Share Posted April 1 My F*****g cat just asked me if I wanted the radio left on as he is going out!! The B*****D!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Town Fan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Collings 351 Posted April 1 Report Share Posted April 1 This isolation is getting to me. I started talking to a spider yesterday, he told me he was a web designer - not sure that he should be working from MY home. Keith B, Devils@Dusk, Town Fan and 1 other 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keith B 1,294 Posted April 1 Report Share Posted April 1 3 hours ago, Billy Davies said: My F*****g cat just asked me if I wanted the radio left on as he is going out!! The B*****D!!! You leave the radio on for the cat Billy ? Well you certainly got some laughs by starting this thread Billy. My wife and I have been left in stiches by some posts. Well done sir ! Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Collings 351 Posted April 1 Report Share Posted April 1 23 minutes ago, Keith B said: You leave the radio on for the cat Billy ? Fair enough really because Billy is probably still using a cat's whisker radio !! Billy Davies, Keith B and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Town Fan 37 Posted April 1 Report Share Posted April 1 Two women chatting, one asks "Why do you take baths in milk?" The other replies "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower." TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted April 1 Author Report Share Posted April 1 5 hours ago, Paul Collings said: Fair enough really because Billy is probably still using a cat's whisker radio !! Paul i have no idea what you are on about us youngsters use DAB which is exactly what you will be getting from me the next time we meet!! Paul Collings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted April 2 Author Report Share Posted April 2 Brazilian forward Ronaldho goes into Burgerking and asks for 2 whoppers. The guy serving say ok " You aren't fat and you haven't lost it" !! Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Davies 498 Posted April 3 Author Report Share Posted April 3 I have been sacked from my job on the dodgems at the amusement park. I am going to sue for Funfair Dismissal. mattelot, Town Fan and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goldeneye 427 Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 Brian only went into his local pub once a year, on New Years Eve. He would always drink 3 pints, one for himself and the other two on behalf of his two brothers who live in Australia. However last year he only ordered two pints. Has one of your brother died asked the landlord. No said Brian, but I've become teetotal!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, bighairydave and Town Fan 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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