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A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool.  The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '.  The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're a duck '. The duck replies 'Yeah, nothing wrong with your eyesight '.  The bartender says 'But you can talk, you're a talking duck!'   'Nothing wrong with your ears either ' replies the duck, 'You see that new housing development across the road?, I'll be working over there for a few weeks.  Every day, I will be coming over here for a toasted sandwich and a beer for lunch. Do you have a problem with that? If so I'll go elsewhere.'  The bartender replied 'no no all good.' And got the duck his toasted sandwich and beer.   The next day at lunch time, the duck waddles in, sits at the bar and orders his toasted sandwich and beer.  The bartender is shaking his head in disbelief.  Every day for the next week the duck comes over for his lunch and the bartender still can't believe it. One day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the pub , the bartender sees him and tells him about the talking duck that comes in every day for lunch.  The ringmaster is keen to have him in his circus.  At lunch time the duck waddles in and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender tells the duck how the circus is in town and the ringmaster said he has a job for  him.   'Circus?'  The duck asks, They're those things that travel all around the place aren't they?'  'Yes, thats right' the bartender replies.  'And these circuses,  they use large tents, don't they?' The duck asks.   'Correct ' says the bartender.  'These tents are made of canvas aren't they? The duck says, looking puzzled.  'That's right' says the bartender.    'Then what the **** would they want with a plasterer?

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1 hour ago, Adlestrop said:

A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument:

Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea"

Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !"

Wasn't that Winston Churchills joke?  Not sure who he said it to but it was someone famous.  Any ideas?

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Jethro was stopped by the Traffic Police and asked to go around to the back of his car. Your side lights are not working said the Policeman. Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said  the Policeman, but your brake lights are not working. Once again Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, now let's see if you can go around to the front of the car and kick up a tax disc!!  

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I went out for my daily exercise walk earlier today, just down the road from my place a big hole has opened up in the road.

So I rang Cornwall Council to report it, they said they would send some around to look into it.

After that I rang my hairdresser to see if I could go in for a trim, but they said that they're not cutting hair any longer

What a morning !

 

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Sister Catherine joined a nunnery and was told by the gnarly head nun that it was a silent order and every 5 years they were allowed 2 words each. 5 years passed and in the big hall Catherine was allowed to stand up and say 2 words. Hard Bed were her choice and Sister Mary nodded and added So Noted. A further 5 years passed an Catherine was again in the big hall and summoned to speak, cold food she said and Sister Mary nodded and said so noted. After a further 5 years the process was repeated, this time Catherine said I quit. Sister Mary quickly replied I think it is for the best. You have done F**K  all but moan since you arrived!!!!

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I was walking past a building site recently and saw a couple of guys at the top of some very high scaffolding. All of a sudden the youngest of the guys ran along the boards and jumped off and hurt himself badly on the concrete below. When his mate came down I asked him what happened. 'I don't know' he said, 'we were just talking about the 2nd World War and how my grandad flew in wellingtons'.

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3 hours ago, Billy Davies said:

My F*****g cat just asked me if I wanted the radio left on as he is going out!! The B*****D!!!

You leave the radio on for the cat Billy ?

Well you certainly got some laughs by starting this thread Billy. My wife and I have been left in stiches by some posts. Well done sir ! 

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5 hours ago, Paul Collings said:

Fair enough really because  Billy is probably still using a cat's whisker radio !! 

Paul i have no idea what you are on about us youngsters use DAB which is exactly what you will be getting from me the next time we meet!!

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Brian only went into his local pub once a year, on New Years Eve. He would always drink 3 pints, one for himself and the other two on behalf of his two brothers who live in Australia. However last year he only ordered two pints. Has one of your brother died asked the landlord. No said Brian, but I've become teetotal!!

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