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Aladin has been banned from The Magic Carpet Grand Prix, he has been found to have used performance enhancing rugs. Stay safe and keep smiling.

Ordered a Chinese delivery...took ages, so when he pulled up at the end of the drive I went out to take it off him. He started shouting ISOLATE, ISOLATE!!! I said yeah don’t worry bout it mate, I know

A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool.  The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '.  The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're

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a 6 year old boy is sat on a park bench stuffing a large bag of Pick n Mix when an old lady out for a stroll stops and chastises him " You will get fat and die young if you carry on eating sweets like that" she said. To which the boy responded "My grandad lived to be 105" The old lady replied " Did he eat a lot of sweets then"? To which the boy answered "No but he did keep his nose out of other peoples business"!!!

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So Joe, from Camborne got married to Sharon from Redruth. The reception finished at midnight and the guest left for home, while the happy couple retired to the honeymoon suite. At 2.00am Joe arrived back at his home in Camborne in a desperate state. His parents were still up, having a nightcap. Seeing he was clearly upset, Joe's mother asked whatever's wrong; Joe replied, "It's over! You'll never guess mother - Sharon is a virgin!" His mother's reponse: " You've done the right thing Joe, if she wasn't good enough for those Redruth boys, she's not good enough for you!"

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1 minute ago, Jeff's Telling said:

I read the other day that members of the Flat Earth Society are worried that social distancing could push some of their members over the edge.

Their spokesperson said they have been contacted by worried members from all around the world !!

 

Works better if you say “all around the globe” lol

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Never mind the NHS staff Billy what about the millions of people who have to suffer the BBC  tonight at 5 past 8 .

Children in class were asked to make a sort poem up about their ambition in life . A girl stood up and said " my name is Sadie and when I'm a lady I'll have a baby , that's my plan and I think I can "  . A boy stood up and  said " My name is Dan and when I'm a man I shall go to Japan if I can and I think I can , that's my plan "  A scruffy little boy stood up and said " My name is Sam and when I'm a man I'm helping Sadie with her plan , and I know I can "

One of the disadvantages of being slightly deaf is that you miss hear things . I got married 50 years ago this June . When I married my wife ,  her family said she had a large dowery  , after a few weeks I realised that they said a large diary .

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A Texan picks up a Navajo Indian on a dusty road one evening. Very little is said until the bag beside the Navajo almost flies off the seat but is expertly saved by the Indian. He looks at the driver and motions towards the bottle in the bag. "Oh that, it is just a bottle of Jack Daniels i got for the wife" The Navajo nods approvingly and responds "Good Trade"!!!!!!

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Little Joe had pestered his parents foe ages for a TV in his bedroom. Eventually they allowed him to have one. Joe was upstairs watching the TV alone before coming down and asking his dad "What's Love Juice"?? His Dad ashen faced quickly gives Joe the dreaded "Talk about the birds and bees" Joe looked mortified and screwed up his face. His dad then asked him "What the hell where you watching, anyway"? " HIGHLIGHTS from Wimbledon" was the reply!!!

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On 26/04/2020 at 12:07, Billy Davies said:

A Texan picks up a Navajo Indian on a dusty road one evening. Very little is said until the bag beside the Navajo almost flies off the seat but is expertly saved by the Indian. He looks at the driver and motions towards the bottle in the bag. "Oh that, it is just a bottle of Jack Daniels i got for the wife" The Navajo nods approvingly and responds "Good Trade"!!!!!!

If you've got any more like that Billy - keep em commin !🤣

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A man walks into a bar with a small doll in his hand and says to the barmaid !What's this"? He then pokes the doll in the stomach and a man in the corner of the pub screams. The man with the doll then leaves saying nothing. The next day the man returns at the same time and asks the same barmaid "What's this"? He again pokes the doll in the stomach a before and once again a man in the corner screams. As the man is about to leave again, the barmaid shouts "I don't know. What is it" " Deja Voodoo" Replies the man.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip together. After eating their dinner around the campfire they retire to the tent to go to sleep. A few hours later Sherlock wakes up.

“Watson, are you awake?” He asks.

“Yes sir. What is it?” Answers Watson.

“Look up and tell me what you see.” Asks Holmes.

“I see billions of stars,” says Watson.

“And what does that tell you Watson,” asks Holmes.

“Well,” says Dr Watson, ” Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is quiet for a moment then says: “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

***

Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
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Who was the man who posted comical match reports last season ? I'd have thought that he would have posted on here .

My neighbour is a  strange bloke , he's alright but a bit dim , he thinks that manual labour is the king of Spain . He breed Labrador pup's  , in the last litter 2 of the pups were blind  . He said " no problem I'll give them to the Girl Guides , they are always for advertising blind dogs for the guides " . He always muddles things up like Del Boy  Trotter with his French sayings .He said the other day that we could " kill one bird with 2 stones "

You won't burst your sides laughing but it's got me out of hovering  while  I post this .  

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QUEUE JUMPING AT SUPERMARKETS 🤬🤬🤬

I was queuing patiently at Tescos Extra Pool yesterday when a bloke  just strolled to the front of the queue , as bold as brass, he was wearing black shirt , black shorts , black socks and carrying a whistle ..........................as soon as I saw that I knew it would kick off 😂

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A  job is advertised by a major company for an accountant . 3 people apply the first  gives his background etc. and then is asked " what is 6 plus 6 dived by 3?  " He replies " 4 " ,  "thank you " says the interviewer  "we will let you know by post within a week ." The second man goes in and a similar interview regarding background etc. the interviewer said " just a final question  " what is 60 multiplied by 15 ?"  , he replies " 900 " . The interviewer says " thanks very much , very impressive , we will let you know by letter within a fortnight . The final applicant goes in his background and qualifications aren't as impressive as the other 2  . The interviewer said " one final question , what is 145 divided by 6 ?" He replied " what do you want it to be ?" the interviewer said " can you start tomorrow ?"

 During national service a soldier named Smith's father sadly dies . The officer said to the drill sergeant Sergeant Jones can you tell Private Smith that his father has died , it'll be a shock so be gentle  " the Sergeant says " Smiff , yes sir I know him he's useless , he'll never make a soldier he's too sensitive , I'll tell him on afternoon parade , I'll be gentle when I break the news " . On the parade the sergeant goes out , Squad shun , Smiff your old man is dead "  . Smith faints and is taken to the medical office . A few days later Smith's mother dies of a broken heart . The officer says "  Sergeant would you tell Smith that his mother has died , but for Gods sake be tactful this time we don't want a repetition of last time " . " Yes sir I know him Smiff he's useless , he can't take it , he'll never make a soldier sir " The officer said " that's as maybe Sergeant but he's a human being with feelings , be tactful . "  . The Sergeant says  " yes sir . human being sir , I'll be tactful sir , I'll tell him on parade " . They are all out on parade , the sergeant goes out  " parade shun , all those with mothers one step forward , Smiff where do you think you're going "

Please at least smile it took a long while to type out .

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I went to the Co-Op today and bought a pack of Stallone Scones  apparently they are the best ting since Sly's bread .

 Afterwards I went to the pet shop and asked to buy 12 bees the shopkeeper said " certainly " and counted them out ,I said  " there's 13 in there I only wanted 12 , he said " the other one is a free bee "

From there I went to the pharmacy , I'd never seen the woman behind the counter in there before I said " what gets rid of Corona Virus ?" she said " ammonia cleaner " I said " I'm dreadfully sorry I thought you were the sales assistant "

Our local vicar was unwell so his wife took Donald Trumps advice and injected him with Domestos , she's now  in custody charged with  Bleach of the Priest .

Social distancing is very difficult in our village supermarket because it's so small in fact it's Lidl .

I keep dreaming I'm a horse , I wake up in a sweat panicing , it's happened 5 nights on the trot .

I've switched all the labels on my wife's spice jars in her spice rack . She doesn't realise her Thyme is Cummin .

I went to the doctors I said " It's strange I keeping thinking I'm Mickey Mouse then I fall over " He said  " I  think you must be having Disney spells " He said " is that all ?" I said " no there is one other thing  I keep thinking I'm a goat " He said " really how long have you felt like that ? " I said since I was a kid "

My cousin has worked in Asda for years , he's worked in the fabric softener aisle  all that while but they've moved him to frozen goods . He said " I really hate it I feel out of my Comfort Zone " 

He is so distressed over it he went to the doctor about the stress he was feeling . The doctor said " drink  a glass of wine after a hot bath " . My cousin said "  Jesus Christ , a glass of wine ? I'm going to struggle to drink the bath water let alone a glass of wine "

Next door has lost her job , she was a dermatologist with the NHS  she got handed her  E45 today .

Sorry I know they are pathetic .

 

 

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5 hours ago, fenman said:

A  job is advertised by a major company for an accountant . 3 people apply the first  gives his background etc. and then is asked " what is 6 plus 6 dived by 3?  " He replies " 4 " ,  "thank you " says the interviewer  "we will let you know by post within a week ." The second man goes in and a similar interview regarding background etc. the interviewer said " just a final question  " what is 60 multiplied by 15 ?"  , he replies " 900 " . The interviewer says " thanks very much , very impressive , we will let you know by letter within a fortnight . The final applicant goes in his background and qualifications aren't as impressive as the other 2  . The interviewer said " one final question , what is 145 divided by 6 ?" He replied " what do you want it to be ?" the interviewer said " can you start tomorrow ?"

 During national service a soldier named Smith's father sadly dies . The officer said to the drill sergeant Sergeant Jones can you tell Private Smith that his father has died , it'll be a shock so be gentle  " the Sergeant says " Smiff , yes sir I know him he's useless , he'll never make a soldier he's too sensitive , I'll tell him on afternoon parade , I'll be gentle when I break the news " . On the parade the sergeant goes out , Squad shun , Smiff your old man is dead "  . Smith faints and is taken to the medical office . A few days later Smith's mother dies of a broken heart . The officer says "  Sergeant would you tell Smith that his mother has died , but for Gods sake be tactful this time we don't want a repetition of last time " . " Yes sir I know him Smiff he's useless , he can't take it , he'll never make a soldier sir " The officer said " that's as maybe Sergeant but he's a human being with feelings , be tactful . "  . The Sergeant says  " yes sir . human being sir , I'll be tactful sir , I'll tell him on parade " . They are all out on parade , the sergeant goes out  " parade shun , all those with mothers one step forward , Smiff where do you think you're going "

Please at least smile it took a long while to type out .

Great fenman - first para ok - second para . . . I laughed all through, especially the last sentence. 

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Just had a strange experience , I went out at 8 o'clock to put the bin out for the morning and my neighbours all clapped me .

You have to imagine an Australian accent for this . In the first world war at  the battle of Mons the losses are horrific . An Australian platoon turn up at the trenches . They are inspected by a high ranking British officer ( the trenches must have been some distance from the front line )  who inspects the platoon . He stops in front of a young Aussie private and "said hello my man have  you come to die ?" he replied " No sir I came yesterdie "

I bought a new car today , SEAT  had a good offer on so I traded mine in and I have to pay £200 a month for 3 years  with an option to buy at the end . The salesman said " if you don't want to keep it we will take it back " So I said " what day will that be ?" he said " well in 3 years time " I said can you be more precise , I mean what time will it be ?" He said " why do you have to be precise ? " I said well Asda should be  delivering my online order in the afternoon " .

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