Daily Laugh

[We Two]

What ship has never arived in the ports of Liverpool ?  The Premiership has started going rusty out in the bay waiting to dock!

[Billy Davies]

What did Keith Richards say after being inducted into The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame? " This is a night i will remember for the rest of the night"!!!

[Billy Davies]

A man walks into a Dentists and said "Hello i am a moth" The Dentist replied " You need a psychiatrist mate I am a Dentist" The man replied " I am seeing a Psychiatrist" To which the Dentist replied " So why did you come in here" The man replied " Your light was on"!!!

[Mike Odgers]

Getting use to this lock down routine now-Three more sleeps till Bin day.  yippee

[Billy Davies]

a 6 year old boy is sat on a park bench stuffing a large bag of Pick n Mix when an old lady out for a stroll stops and chastises him " You will get fat and die young if you carry on eating sweets like that" she said. To which the boy responded "My grandad lived to be 105" The old lady replied " Did he eat a lot of sweets then"? To which the boy answered "No but he did keep his nose out of other peoples business"!!!

[Billy Davies]

A sign over a Gynaecologist's office. Dr Jonathon Joseph-Rees at your Cervix!!!

[John Mead]

So Joe, from Camborne got married to Sharon from Redruth. The reception finished at midnight and the guest left for home, while the happy couple retired to the honeymoon suite. At 2.00am Joe arrived back at his home in Camborne in a desperate state. His parents were still up, having a nightcap. Seeing he was clearly upset, Joe's mother asked whatever's wrong; Joe replied, "It's over! You'll never guess mother - Sharon is a virgin!" His mother's reponse: " You've done the right thing Joe, if she wasn't good enough for those Redruth boys, she's not good enough for you!"

[Jeff's Telling]

I read the other day that members of the Flat Earth Society are worried that social distancing could push some of their members over the edge.

Their spokesperson said they have been contacted by worried members from all around the world !!

 

[baldy]

1 minute ago, Jeff's Telling said:

I read the other day that members of the Flat Earth Society are worried that social distancing could push some of their members over the edge.

Their spokesperson said they have been contacted by worried members from all around the world !!

 

Works better if you say “all around the globe” lol

[Billy Davies]

West Ham United have given 1500 free seats to NHS Staff for every home game next season. Surely these people have suffered enough all ready!!!!

[Billy Davies]

The wife and I have been struggling to sleep since he lockdown so we decided to buy a new bed. We could not afford a Kingsize so instead bought a Queen bed. I am still having problems however, since we bought it I have had Shivers down my spine bodies aching all the time!!!!!!!

[fenman]

Never mind the NHS staff Billy what about the millions of people who have to suffer the BBC  tonight at 5 past 8 .

Children in class were asked to make a sort poem up about their ambition in life . A girl stood up and said " my name is Sadie and when I'm a lady I'll have a baby , that's my plan and I think I can "  . A boy stood up and  said " My name is Dan and when I'm a man I shall go to Japan if I can and I think I can , that's my plan "  A scruffy little boy stood up and said " My name is Sam and when I'm a man I'm helping Sadie with her plan , and I know I can "

One of the disadvantages of being slightly deaf is that you miss hear things . I got married 50 years ago this June . When I married my wife ,  her family said she had a large dowery  , after a few weeks I realised that they said a large diary .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

When I met my wife I told her she would be a football widow...and she has been for 37 years!

But, she can see me in the close season...good deal I think...lol

[Billy Davies]

My girlfriend split up with me last week and she did it in a rather cruel way. She sent me a letter saying she had run off with a tractor salesman. It was the first time in my life i had received a John Deere Letter!!!!

[Billy Davies]

Masochist "Hurt me"

Sadist "No"

[Billy Davies]

A Texan picks up a Navajo Indian on a dusty road one evening. Very little is said until the bag beside the Navajo almost flies off the seat but is expertly saved by the Indian. He looks at the driver and motions towards the bottle in the bag. "Oh that, it is just a bottle of Jack Daniels i got for the wife" The Navajo nods approvingly and responds "Good Trade"!!!!!!

[Billy Davies]

Little Joe had pestered his parents foe ages for a TV in his bedroom. Eventually they allowed him to have one. Joe was upstairs watching the TV alone before coming down and asking his dad "What's Love Juice"?? His Dad ashen faced quickly gives Joe the dreaded "Talk about the birds and bees" Joe looked mortified and screwed up his face. His dad then asked him "What the hell where you watching, anyway"? " HIGHLIGHTS from Wimbledon" was the reply!!!

[Jeff's Telling]

I was accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[Billy Davies]

A man walks into a bar with a small doll in his hand and says to the barmaid !What's this"? He then pokes the doll in the stomach and a man in the corner of the pub screams. The man with the doll then leaves saying nothing. The next day the man returns at the same time and asks the same barmaid "What's this"? He again pokes the doll in the stomach a before and once again a man in the corner screams. As the man is about to leave again, the barmaid shouts "I don't know. What is it" " Deja Voodoo" Replies the man.

[Goldeneye]

Older has spent so much time on the pitch down Penryn that he has gone crazy. He's been hearing voices in his shed! 

[Billy Davies]

Bad news, I have been diagnosed with a 70's Fashion virus. It Flares up now and again!!!

[Billy Davies]

My wife said to me" One more animal pun from you and we are finished" I said" Qkay Alpaca my bags"!!!

[cornishteddyboy]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip together. After eating their dinner around the campfire they retire to the tent to go to sleep. A few hours later Sherlock wakes up.

“Watson, are you awake?” He asks.

“Yes sir. What is it?” Answers Watson.

“Look up and tell me what you see.” Asks Holmes.

“I see billions of stars,” says Watson.

“And what does that tell you Watson,” asks Holmes.

“Well,” says Dr Watson, ” Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is quiet for a moment then says: “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

***

Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

[fenman]

Who was the man who posted comical match reports last season ? I'd have thought that he would have posted on here .

My neighbour is a  strange bloke , he's alright but a bit dim , he thinks that manual labour is the king of Spain . He breed Labrador pup's  , in the last litter 2 of the pups were blind  . He said " no problem I'll give them to the Girl Guides , they are always for advertising blind dogs for the guides " . He always muddles things up like Del Boy  Trotter with his French sayings .He said the other day that we could " kill one bird with 2 stones "

You won't burst your sides laughing but it's got me out of hovering  while  I post this .  

[Billy Davies]

Picture the scene it is 2026 and a dad and his young son are travelling in their car. "Dad why is my sister called Paris"? "Well son that is where she was conceived. Why do you ask Quarantine"?

[baldy]

I went to a nudist wedding last year .. came within an inch of being the best man.

[Goldeneye]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

[Billy Davies]

A Doctor entered the waiting room " I have some good news for you Mrs Evans" Pardon me" She interrupted coldly, "but it's miss." The Doctor replied " I have some bad news for you Miss Evans."

[bighairydave]

QUEUE JUMPING AT SUPERMARKETS 🤬🤬🤬

I was queuing patiently at Tescos Extra Pool yesterday when a bloke  just strolled to the front of the queue , as bold as brass, he was wearing black shirt , black shorts , black socks and carrying a whistle ..........................as soon as I saw that I knew it would kick off 😂

[Billy Davies]

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy!!

who takes over when he is on holiday? The hip replacement guy!!!

[Billy Davies]

I visited my neighbours 4 month old son for the first time yesterday. They said i could wind him but I thought that was a bit harsh, so i just gave him a dead leg!!!!

[Jeff's Telling]

A friend of mine studied archaeology at University, but just after graduating it dawned on him what a big mistake he had made - his future career lay in ruins !!

 

[baldy]

I did something stupid. A friend said “What kind of idiot are you?” 
I said “ I don’t know .. how many kinds are there?”

[Billy Davies]

I was on a Diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?!!!!

[Billy Davies]

I have been a Limo driver for 4 years and not ad a single customer. All that time and nothing to chauffer it!!!!

[Billy Davies]

I am running out of material Keith but i will try to find a joke per day until lock down is over and normality returns. Stay safe Keith and keep smiling.

[Billy Davies]

I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now though you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!!!

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

23 minutes ago, Billy Davies said:

I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now though you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!!!

Laughed out loud on that one Billy...LMFAO 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

Watched the world origami championships last night...it was on paperview 

[fenman]

A  job is advertised by a major company for an accountant . 3 people apply the first  gives his background etc. and then is asked " what is 6 plus 6 dived by 3?  " He replies " 4 " ,  "thank you " says the interviewer  "we will let you know by post within a week ." The second man goes in and a similar interview regarding background etc. the interviewer said " just a final question  " what is 60 multiplied by 15 ?"  , he replies " 900 " . The interviewer says " thanks very much , very impressive , we will let you know by letter within a fortnight . The final applicant goes in his background and qualifications aren't as impressive as the other 2  . The interviewer said " one final question , what is 145 divided by 6 ?" He replied " what do you want it to be ?" the interviewer said " can you start tomorrow ?"

 During national service a soldier named Smith's father sadly dies . The officer said to the drill sergeant Sergeant Jones can you tell Private Smith that his father has died , it'll be a shock so be gentle  " the Sergeant says " Smiff , yes sir I know him he's useless , he'll never make a soldier he's too sensitive , I'll tell him on afternoon parade , I'll be gentle when I break the news " . On the parade the sergeant goes out , Squad shun , Smiff your old man is dead "  . Smith faints and is taken to the medical office . A few days later Smith's mother dies of a broken heart . The officer says "  Sergeant would you tell Smith that his mother has died , but for Gods sake be tactful this time we don't want a repetition of last time " . " Yes sir I know him Smiff he's useless , he can't take it , he'll never make a soldier sir " The officer said " that's as maybe Sergeant but he's a human being with feelings , be tactful . "  . The Sergeant says  " yes sir . human being sir , I'll be tactful sir , I'll tell him on parade " . They are all out on parade , the sergeant goes out  " parade shun , all those with mothers one step forward , Smiff where do you think you're going "

Please at least smile it took a long while to type out .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

Subtle...I like it...lol

[fenman]

I went to the Co-Op today and bought a pack of Stallone Scones  apparently they are the best ting since Sly's bread .

 Afterwards I went to the pet shop and asked to buy 12 bees the shopkeeper said " certainly " and counted them out ,I said  " there's 13 in there I only wanted 12 , he said " the other one is a free bee "

From there I went to the pharmacy , I'd never seen the woman behind the counter in there before I said " what gets rid of Corona Virus ?" she said " ammonia cleaner " I said " I'm dreadfully sorry I thought you were the sales assistant "

Our local vicar was unwell so his wife took Donald Trumps advice and injected him with Domestos , she's now  in custody charged with  Bleach of the Priest .

Social distancing is very difficult in our village supermarket because it's so small in fact it's Lidl .

I keep dreaming I'm a horse , I wake up in a sweat panicing , it's happened 5 nights on the trot .

I've switched all the labels on my wife's spice jars in her spice rack . She doesn't realise her Thyme is Cummin .

I went to the doctors I said " It's strange I keeping thinking I'm Mickey Mouse then I fall over " He said  " I  think you must be having Disney spells " He said " is that all ?" I said " no there is one other thing  I keep thinking I'm a goat " He said " really how long have you felt like that ? " I said since I was a kid "

My cousin has worked in Asda for years , he's worked in the fabric softener aisle  all that while but they've moved him to frozen goods . He said " I really hate it I feel out of my Comfort Zone " 

He is so distressed over it he went to the doctor about the stress he was feeling . The doctor said " drink  a glass of wine after a hot bath " . My cousin said "  Jesus Christ , a glass of wine ? I'm going to struggle to drink the bath water let alone a glass of wine "

Next door has lost her job , she was a dermatologist with the NHS  she got handed her  E45 today .

Sorry I know they are pathetic .

 

 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

A lifetimes worth of jokes there Fenman...lol

[fenman]

Just had a strange experience , I went out at 8 o'clock to put the bin out for the morning and my neighbours all clapped me .

You have to imagine an Australian accent for this . In the first world war at  the battle of Mons the losses are horrific . An Australian platoon turn up at the trenches . They are inspected by a high ranking British officer ( the trenches must have been some distance from the front line )  who inspects the platoon . He stops in front of a young Aussie private and "said hello my man have  you come to die ?" he replied " No sir I came yesterdie "

I bought a new car today , SEAT  had a good offer on so I traded mine in and I have to pay £200 a month for 3 years  with an option to buy at the end . The salesman said " if you don't want to keep it we will take it back " So I said " what day will that be ?" he said " well in 3 years time " I said can you be more precise , I mean what time will it be ?" He said " why do you have to be precise ? " I said well Asda should be  delivering my online order in the afternoon " .

[Billy Davies]

Apparently you can't use beef stew as a password. It's not Stroganoff!!!!!

[fenman]

I've to catch Billy Davies

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror one morning . She said to her husband " I'm getting old and feel depressed , , my teeth have gone , my boobs are saggy , oh  I am depressed " Her husband grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " look at me , my hair is straggly , my flesh is all wrinkly it's all so depressing ."  He just grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " oh its depressing look at me my bum is all cellulite  I'm in a sad state " . He carried on reading , she said " say something positive about me for God's sake " he looked up from his paper and said " well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight " .

I  went into the Treboney chip shop in Roche  last month , I said to the woman " I like coming here , I was here a year ago " . She said " yes I know there's a queue but I'm trying my best "

No disrespect to Trebboney , it's a must on our first day in Cornwall .

[Billy Davies]

4 hours ago, fenman said:

I've to catch Billy Davies

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror one morning . She said to her husband " I'm getting old and feel depressed , , my teeth have gone , my boobs are saggy , oh  I am depressed " Her husband grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " look at me , my hair is straggly , my flesh is all wrinkly it's all so depressing ."  He just grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " oh its depressing look at me my bum is all cellulite  I'm in a sad state " . He carried on reading , she said " say something positive about me for God's sake " he looked up from his paper and said " well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight " .

I  went into the Treboney chip shop in Roche  last month , I said to the woman " I like coming here , I was here a year ago " . She said " yes I know there's a queue but I'm trying my best "

No disrespect to Trebboney , it's a must on our first day in Cornwall .

Great effort Fenman i hope you enjoyed your fish and chips and if you didn't don't carp on about it. Stay safe and keep smiling.

[fenman]

I've got a job in a cuckoo clock , the hours aren't great but they get me out of the house .

My neighbour mixed his daffodil bulbs up with his onions , he made a Spanish Omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital , the doctors say he should be out in the spring next year

My wife's eyes are terrible  we've got 150 sausage rolls , 200 boiled eggs ,and loads of ice cream she thought it said picnic buying .

She went to the shop today , she was moaning because Oxo cubes were £5.00 a pack , she said " the stock market has gone crazy "

She's also moaning because she missed celebrity hairdressing on BBC  last night , I told her " don't worry the highlights will be on tonight ".

A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M3 Police have advised motorists to avoid the Yeast bound carriageway .

I bought a television today , someone had put it outside their house for sale , it was only £1  and the advert said the volume control  was broken and stuck on full , well I couldn't turn it down .

Having posted these pathetic jokes I can sneak in a reply to Keith B . Yes I know what you mean Keith I was at Toxteth  and the miners dispute . You remembered the good governors  , the few that could lead , but you remembered the others with disdain .

Billy Davies , thanks , I always think that Trebonny is the best plaice for fish and chips , I usually get a haddock from the bright sunlight on my trip down from Norfolk .And of course from 8 hours sitting I walk crablike to the shop because my mussels have seized up  , happily whistling a tuna two , I'm a dab hand at whistling , . The last time I went there I saw a dog on the main road in Roche carrying a fishing rod , I thought I'll keep an eye on him , I've never seen a dogfish . We usually stop beside the railway line on the way to Mawgan Porth and have a whale of a time eating the chips , people often think it's fishy , 2 old people parked in a remote spot .

I was going to ask if Older has tea making facilities when he's tending to his football pitch , in case I'm going past one day and introduce myself , but after writing this I darn't show my face in Cornwall . 

 

 

[Billy Davies]

38 minutes ago, fenman said:

I've got a job in a cuckoo clock , the hours aren't great but they get me out of the house .

My neighbour mixed his daffodil bulbs up with his onions , he made a Spanish Omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital , the doctors say he should be out in the spring next year

My wife's eyes are terrible  we've got 150 sausage rolls , 200 boiled eggs ,and loads of ice cream she thought it said picnic buying .

She went to the shop today , she was moaning because Oxo cubes were £5.00 a pack , she said " the stock market has gone crazy "

She's also moaning because she missed celebrity hairdressing on BBC  last night , I told her " don't worry the highlights will be on tonight ".

A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M3 Police have advised motorists to avoid the Yeast bound carriageway .

I bought a television today , someone had put it outside their house for sale , it was only £1  and the advert said the volume control  was broken and stuck on full , well I couldn't turn it down .

Having posted these pathetic jokes I can sneak in a reply to Keith B . Yes I know what you mean Keith I was at Toxteth  and the miners dispute . You remembered the good governors  , the few that could lead , but you remembered the others with disdain .

Billy Davies , thanks , I always think that Trebonny is the best plaice for fish and chips , I usually get a haddock from the bright sunlight on my trip down from Norfolk .And of course from 8 hours sitting I walk crablike to the shop because my mussels have seized up  , happily whistling a tuna two , I'm a dab hand at whistling , . The last time I went there I saw a dog on the main road in Roche carrying a fishing rod , I thought I'll keep an eye on him , I've never seen a dogfish . We usually stop beside the railway line on the way to Mawgan Porth and have a whale of a time eating the chips , people often think it's fishy , 2 old people parked in a remote spot .

I was going to ask if Older has tea making facilities when he's tending to his football pitch , in case I'm going past one day and introduce myself , but after writing this I darn't show my face in Cornwall . 

 

 

Fantastic stuff Fenman the wife and I have ventured in from he garden she is drinking Wine and I am on the cider but we are having a whale of a time. You have made us and our son laugh so Thank you and keep it going and hopefully we can meet up one day. Stay safe and well and keep joking. Smiles are always important. Cheers Bill.

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

Yes Fenman...if you can drink more tea than me I'd be surprised!