Rod Beer: Desperate apology

[isaac rosenberg]

I have just received the terrible news from dear Kev Glenville, who is keeping St Just on the map in my absence, that the club has been fined for not controlling me. Apparently I have traumatised and upset Anita. Anita, it seems like I can't stop writing about you ; people will talk !

Apparently at the close of play, after we had beaten Perranporth 6-2, but Mr Tippett had strangely booked about 18 of our players but only one of Perran's, since they are such a mild, law-abiding, incorporeal little team of angels, I terrorised him on his way off the pitch and called him a grinning t**t.

Now this is not behaviour that I could boast about, particularly because the term t**t is very sexist and no woman or any part of her would wish to be compared to Mr T, grinning or otherwise. Now I'm getting images of Malvolio in his cross-gartered yellow stockings, and the idea of Mr T tricked out like that is not a pleasant sight, least of all to poor Mrs T, who might be reading this. What I did suggest was that after my successful appeal against the decisions of Mr Wilkinson at Perranporth, following which he has never to my knowledge reffed anopther Combo game, being worthy, according to some, although I could not be so unprofessional as to count myself among them, of the same descriptive category as Mr T without the grin, the dwarfs were out to get me (no offence, Big Al)!

Now what Mr Tippett does not realise is that it is only my intervention that stopped Mother from cracking to him with those crutches after she'd turned the Perranporth keeper into a toad for kicking Stuart Nicholls. Now I don't want Mrs T to worry, but Mother is now working on a new spell and there's a full moon coming up, and all I can say is, last time she did that to somebody not all the Viagra in the world could....well, I think I've made my point. Anita, I'm some sorry if this upsets any plans and obviously I'm not casting any aspersions about you and Mr T, who, when I still had to be careful what I said about referees and so on because I had a club officer role to fulfil, was one of the nicest people I'd ever met apart from Mugabe, Robin Gregory and the car clamper I ran over in Bournemouth.

So, my profuse apologies to all concerned.

Eight quid ! I'll pay it in Viagra !

Sorry...sorry...sorry....I'm so f****** sorry, I am !!!

:clapper:

[Graham Martin]

So Mr.Rosenberg,

Are you really Ricky Gervais, Ade Edmondson - or The Judge..??

[Dave Deacon]

Sorry Mr Rosenberg, but in a few places had to shorten the surname to Mr T for fear of upsetting anyone.

[Anita]

wooooooooooooooooooo hold on there,ok 1st off anyone that voices their unwanted opinion to a ref after a game in such a manner upsets me, i know a refs job is hard and that no matter what they do its wrong in someones eyes. And no i don't like anyone calling a ref anything that maybe offensive towards the ref, didnt you also say that there was nothing the ref could do because you had nothing to do with the club any more? (or something along those lines). 2nd Mr Wilkinson HAS refed other combo games. and if my mind serves me right didn't you voice your opinion to him too?

Mr Beer, it will take a lot more then you to traumatised and upset me, after all i've seen a few teams naked (now that traumatised me) . While the ref is on the pitch voice your opinion as much as you like but when the final whistle go, the games over shake hands and have a beer, if people are not adult enough to do that avoid the ref, its not hard, you don't have to shake his hand, you don't have to talk to him, if you want to appeal, apeal you don't have to call the ref names while telling him your doing so. Theres a shortage of refs as it is, and i for one am thinking about if to register this year because of the abuse. People need to learn to respect these people who take up the middle and give players a game every weekend we are not there to be called t**ts because we don't do what you want.

St Just won there was no need for you to say anything to the ref. :drink:

[Guest Dermot]

Quite a mild reply from you Anita,this late at night as well too. ;0) :smiley20:

[Guest Ronin]

....well, I think I've made my point.

Really Mr Beer cos it looks like you're just spouting twaddle to me.

Mr Tippett had strangely booked about 18 of our players but only one of Perran's, since they are such a mild, law-abiding, incorporeal little team of angels,

We are the first to admit we are no angels at Perranporth (although poor behaviour is something our Committee are trying to eradicate rather than encourage). However, I would query which team's player had a member of the opposition on the floor by the throat within the first 20 minutes of the game. Was it one of ours? I don't think so. Enough said.

You seem under the impression that there is some long-founded rivalry between Perranporth and St Just and I'm afraid, like your match programme inserts, it is just fiction. I was walking in front of the ref after the game at St Just and I thought your behaviour and abuse towards him was not only unbecoming of a man of your years and social standing but was generally unforgivable as there were several children present who heard every word of what you said. As a youth coach I can honestly say that you do no favours to those of us in the sport who are trying to instill in the players of tomorrow a sense of respect for ALL match officials and their decisions.

[Anita]

Quite a mild reply from you Anita,this late at night as well too. ;0)

I'm learning its be mild and nice and get my point across (i hope) without getting banned from this site or my post deleted or say what i really think and risk getting banned, which i don't really want, this sites too funny for that think being down Perranporths chilled me out a bit :lol:

[Guest Dermot]

Good girl,nothing wrong with being chilled out. ;0) B)

[Referee]

WELL.WELL, I'VE BEEN OFFLINE FOR A BIT AND THOUGHT THAT THE WORLD HAD BEEN PUT TO RIGHTS IN MY ABSENCE.

NEVER MIND.

ONE COULD ALWAYS PRINT OFF THE RIDICULOUS AND UNFUNNY APOLOGY AND POST IT TO ST AUSTELL SO THAT THEY CAN TAKE THIS LACK OF REMORSE INTO ACCOUNT WHEN DISHING OUT THE SANCTIONS.

I RECOMMEND ANY OF THE PARTIES CONCERNED TO DO SO.

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST TASTES REVENGE.

[isaac rosenberg]

Nothing wrong with Perranporth and nothing wrong with any of you. Pity about the censorship, Dave, it was a bit funnier when it was packed with malapropisms like Twapopalot and Twinkletoes and Twaddlechops and Tiddlekins. Bit rich a referee from Launceston trying to chide me, you can see Devon from there; up there they can't even control a bunch of 15 year olds without falling over and abandoning the game and calling out the SPG !

I was just comparing the beloved Mr Turdbrain to one of Shakespeare's finest comic creations. Go on, report me "to St Austell." Do you use block capitals in your notebook too, ref ? St Austell has a fine record in Shakespearean scholarship...first there was A.L.Rowse, now there's me.

One of the creeping piddlepants dripping in self-importance has probably reported me already: I understand my attempts to defend the worst of our little far-west eccentricities have brightened up many a dull Monday evening at Number One Don't-get-Cross-get-High Street and a disciplinary committee record of Won 5 Lost 1 is promotion form..... (but I've retired from all that, so I can say what I like instead ! )

I'm surprised at Ronin, going all pious on me. You must admit that the pattern of bookings was a tad one-sided, surely ? (In fact, I thought you admitted it already, in the bar, but I may be confusing you with somebody else, a village psychopath, possibly, it gets like that in Tinnertown).

So who's offended ? Obviously not Anita, clearly game for a laugh. The people have already asked why Big Al is not giving her more turns in the middle. Is this sexist discrimination ? Somebody should write to One High Crotch Street and complain about that too.

There are some great referees out there and we'd have no game without them. There are also some absolute stinkers. most of whom make a packet for the CCFA because they cannot man-manage (or woman-manage, sorry). I wish I had a pound for every minute I have wasted watching their jaws gwain up and down instead of having a quick word and getting on with the game. Everybody knows who they are;their marks reflect their ability year on year;the consensus is the same whether you talk to other clubs or indiscreetly honest fellow referees.

Unfortunately Dave won't allow us to test it. But I bet if you asked every contributor to this site to name the three worst referees honestly, that I could name you seven or eight in advance who would get more than a handful or even a sackful of votes and seven or eight who would appear on nobody's list.

What happened to referee education, peer review, the spirit of continuous improvement, promotion by merit instead of nepotism ? Fancy old Lunnon nonsense, that. Well, see, that's not 'ow we d b'long to do'um down here, yo ! :SM_carton:

[Paparazzi]

You chose your words dont you rod!!!

I think we should all discuss your comical linesmans ability! Everyone knows what i`m on about when i say that lol.

All joking aside rodney you did bring some variety to football when you were running the line. What you doing with yourself these days then?

[Guest Ronin]

He's spending his time writing crap like this Paps.

I may be confusing you with somebody else, a village psychopath, possibly,

So who's offended ?

I am offended Mr Beer. How dare you be so insulting to me when you have only met me once (when I was kind enough to phone you and tell you your precious team had left their kit behind after the game at Perran and then give up my own time to be at the club 2 days later so that you could collect it) What have I done to you apart from question your self-inflated opinions? I will not bother to ask for an apology from you as it would not be worth reading. Suffice it to say I shall not be venturing to St Just again when we play you next as I would prefer my memories of the village to be fond ones of when I used to live there rather than the rantings and ramblings of a self-important buffoon.

For the record I don't think the bookings were one sided at all, I thought St Just deserved every one of them. I could not understand why your player got sent off when one of your other players was able to stay on the pitch after holding one of our players on the floor then grabbing him by the throat, but as I was more concerned with my two injured players who had to be helped off the pitch, as well as tending one of your own players for which I will not be submitting a bill, I probably wasn't paying as much attention as you were from your shouting spot in the stand.

[cornishteddyboy]

Calm down everyone.

See you Saturday Rodney. We'll be bringing our normal team so St Just don't need to buy in any mercaneries as you used too when we came a'visiting in previous seasons.

No-one is fiddling the fixture list. If you look at the fixtures of the 4 teams at the bottom of the combo we other 3 sides should complain about Wendron who finish off their season with 3 Tuesday night games and have Saturdays free. Looks fishy but that's how it's fixtured so we can't complain.

CTB

[Guest jumpersforgoalposts]

haha, i love this...i got slated for saying that rodney was out of hand on some other topics! Im glad some people are starting to see!

[isaac rosenberg]

Oh, good Lord, Ronin ! "Use every man after his deserts and who shall scape hanging?" You're obviously not the Perran bloke I thought you were...most of your guys were good value and I was even asked to come and join your club....most of the stuff I write is actually self-parody and when you understand as intimately as I do what village idiocy entails...actually I'm quite sensitive...sniff...sob.....

Thank you for returning our kit, Ronin, and for tending an injured player. May the God of Tinners bless and keep you even if you refused to pay your 1.50 entrance money. Did you seriously just write "rantings", "self-important" and "buffoon"? You, Ronin ! Look in the mirror, my ansum.

Where am I, Paparazzi ? Watching the Tinners, every game, collecting ammunition, sitting at the foot of the guillotine like a tricoteuse as the heads roll. Reminiscing over Camus's closing lines in "La Peste" about the rats coming out of hiding to die in a happy city.......

Running the line...well, the final straw that led to my resignation from the committee was a loudly voiced allegation that my performance was heavily biased against St Just in favour of Culdrose. Whether I'm more use outside the tent aiming in as opposed to inside the tent aiming out I leave to others to judge

We can't complain, CTB ! Can't complain ! That's just what's wrong with Cornish football, a Camborne trolleyshover and a Helston drumbeater behaving like McCarthy in 1956 ! I CAN complain ! And I will ! That Titpet gets St Just AFC fined for failing to control me is hilarious ! My psychiatry team are likely to go to the hearing anyway. And that was nothing....I was just warming up for the visit of the 'Pies on Saturday ! And if the CCFA ban me from the ground I'll be up on Carn Rocks with a public address system.

Is it just me or does Capello look like Vital would with his own hair after a bit of a wash and brush up ? Maybe I'm just going off on one again. It's the bloody medication.

:wacko:

[Anita]

Mr Beer, Ronins a lady not a bloke so my guess is shes NOT the bloke you thought she was Just my guess i could be wrong :rolleyes:

[Guest Ronin]

I am indeed a lady/girlie/chick/woman/bird . I don't think I will ever be a "Buffoon" no matter how many mirrors I look in, however, as I understand the term to refer predominantly to the males of the species.I could be wrong - it has been known.

Mr Beer you are correct when you say I did not pay my £1.50 entrance money but I would like to make it perfectly clear that this was not because I refused to pay it - no-one actually asked me for it. This could have been an oversight by your money collector as I was in the dug-out for most of the game, but if it means that much to you and you would like to give me the address of the St Just secretary I would be delighted to post it. If not then I would be obliged if you would stop trying to make me out to be something I am not. It is quite obvious you do not know me (and hopefully never will) so please be a dear and leave me the hell alone.

[Anita]

Oh, and being a little slow (shut up before you make a comment Ronin ) i remembered why the ref was grinning as he came off of the pitch, i said something to him that made him smile, so sorry ref my fault you got called a grinning t**t, i must remember not to have funny moments, they don't happen often but seem to get people in trouble when they do. :smiley20:

[cornishteddyboy]

Remember Ronin, St Just need every penny they can get now Rodney and his cheque book aren't there to bail them out. The "travelling money" for the students can be quite high.

Do you want me to pay your £1.50 and then you can pay me back someday?

[isaac rosenberg]

Ah well, CTB, tomorrow's one of our "gold card" fixtures, so that'll be three quid from you. Some hard for me dealing with these assertive Perranporth women: as you know I prefer goats and dogs, except for Mother, of course. You can't please some people: I was only trying to apologise for upsetting Mr Twatchett and wanted to bury the hatchet. Now it's sticking out of my forehead, oh dear. I'll have to have a nice feminine tattoo on my head to hide it. :ninja:

[Guest Ronin]

Do you want me to pay your £1.50 and then you can pay me back someday?

Yes please CTB, you know I'm good for it :thumbsup:

[cornishteddyboy]

I didn't pay your £1.50 in the end. The chap came round with his pint glass and it was quite full and I thought that they've got plenty this week so don't need it.

I was going to talk to Rodney after the match but one minute his car was there, the next a puff of exhaust fumes and tyre skid marks on the grass. Never seen a man leave a match so quick.

By the way Rodney, white trousers are so last year!! :P

[Paparazzi]

By the way Rodney, white trousers are so last year?????

Where you been hiding???? more like the 80`s!!!!!!!

[Guest Ronin]

Well if they want it they know where I am CTB Bet it was blustery down there today!

[isaac rosenberg]

Can't be bothered to drive to Holmfirth for £1.50, Nora. Sorry, would rather boil head, even though white trousers are already good for concealing excitement. Commiserations on Aggie result: you're in a worse run than us.

Had to go, CTB, Mother was hungry and licking her lips and I wanted your little number 7 to enjoy his day of glory without any unfortunate displays of cannibalism. Y'know how it is, somebody would probably report her to CCFA if she bit off his head. It's not that I'm a bad loser, I just needed to go and console myself with the goat and get the hatchet out of my forehead.

See you Sa'rday down the old council pond.

All best ,

Rodney.

[Guest Ronin]

I just needed to go and console myself with the goat

??????? :blink:

[Graham Martin]

Don't ask....

They are from West Cornwall - different breed down there,

Half Cornish, Half Spanish - and a little bit more of the quirky, unusual and unlikely.

Its handy having Penwith only an hours drive away - some people have to travel half way round the Globe to visit the 3rd World - but we have only an hours drive...!!!

[Lil-Miss-Cornwall]

Don't ask....

They are from West Cornwall - different breed down there,

Half Cornish, Half Spanish - and a little bit more of the quirky, unusual and unlikely.

Its handy having Penwith only an hours drive away - some people have to travel half way round the Globe to visit the 3rd World - but we have only an hours drive...!!!

Cheeky B*gger, i am from west cornwall - yes i live in Penwith . We are not a different breed, i am not Spanish!!

About the goat thing , maybe thats just a St.Just thing, because i don't think there are any goats around where i live - St. Erth... (maybe St.Just are like Wales - Wales liking sheep and St.Just liking goats... u never know )

[isaac rosenberg]

St Erth ? I had a breakdown in St Erth last week. Not a mental one, not again, once something's scat to jowds, the second scat makes no odds. No, it was mechanical, I forgot to put water in the car and she started smoking like Penzance when the Spaniards came. Burned her out, she went up like a torch. Fire brigade, all that. Symbolic of the mood Pz number 7 put me in, really. What with all that stuff in the programme about me being Hannibal Lecter and building me a cage on the top touchline, even Vidalista Concepcion the goat couldn't cheer me up.

Spanish, me ? I could ask Mother but she's bound to give me a crack for being so cheeky. We have got a few Mitchells/Miguels, Joses/Hosays, Roffignacs/Roughnecks up in the fog.....see, their ancestors got given political asylum and the freedom of St Just in the sixteenth century !

Bought a new car. Bright green.

See you down the council pond ! :yahoo:

[truros mr mourinho]

St Erth ? I had a breakdown in St Erth last week. Not a mental one, not again, once something's scat to jowds, the second scat makes no odds. No, it was mechanical, I forgot to put water in the car and she started smoking like Penzance when the Spaniards came. Burned her out, she went up like a torch. Fire brigade, all that. Symbolic of the mood Pz number 7 put me in, really. What with all that stuff in the programme about me being Hannibal Lecter and building me a cage on the top touchline, even Vidalista Concepcion the goat couldn't cheer me up.

Spanish, me ? I could ask Mother but she's bound to give me a crack for being so cheeky. We have got a few Mitchells/Miguels, Joses/Hosays, Roffignacs/Roughnecks up in the fog.....see, their ancestors got given political asylum and the freedom of St Just in the sixteenth century !

my lot from down that way my lover

[isaac rosenberg]

Ais, Mr Merino, tell'ee the truth I knawed you was from the way your teams d'play, just like the Tinners, all Art and Heart. We shall give they turkey boys some bastin' when they d'come back to Stamford Bridge, like the thrashing they awld 'Pies'r gwain take tomorrer ! :yahoo: