cornishteddyboy

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip together. After eating their dinner around the campfire they retire to the tent to go to sleep. A few hours later Sherlock wakes up. “Watson, are you awake?” He asks. “Yes sir. What is it?” Answers Watson. “Look up and tell me what you see.” Asks Holmes. “I see billions of stars,” says Watson. “And what does that tell you Watson,” asks Holmes. “Well,” says Dr Watson, ” Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is quiet for a moment then says: “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.” *** Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

Want to hear something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend... A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman. She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde. “Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.” “Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.” “How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other £5?” The blonde woman shakes her head. “How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you £500 if I don’t know the answer.” The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.” “What countries neighbor Tajikistan?” The woman gives him £5 and he laughs. “What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?” The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman £500. She smiled and took his money. “So what’s the answer?” She gave him £5.

My mother-in-law is really ugly, face like a bag of nails. Anyway, she tried one of those mudpacks the other day to improve her looks. You know the kind, green face, cucumber on the eyes. And it worked a treat for a couple of days then the bloody thing peeled off.

Can I pass on my condolences to Alan's family and friends from all of us connected with the Cornwall Combination League. Alan put many years service into local football, as stated, referee, assessor, club volunteer and League Committee member. RIP Alan.

https://www.cornwalllive.com/news/cornwall-news/stadium-cornwall-land-finally-secured-3999551

I was listening to the BBC World Service this morning and there are only three countries in the world where football is still being played officially - Belarus, Nicaragua and Burundi.

Official Statement 26th March 2020 In light of the statement from the FA covering NLS Steps 1-7, the LWC Drinks Cornwall Combination League, has today spoken with the FA and CCFA and has made the decision, as are other Leagues, to make the 2019-20 season Null and Void. How this will effect promotion and relegation is still to be decided by the FA and CCFA as the League is outside the NLS The League will do everything it is advised to do to make the health and safety of it's players, officials and supporters it's highest priority.

When I was little, before he went to work, my father used to give me a sixpence to save and a pat on the head. By the time I was 16 I had £3492 in the bank and a flat head.

Time stop the football leagues now and restart in early July by playing this season's unplayed cup matches in between friendlies. Then we start next season early August.

We counted 137, not including youngsters. Match worthy of a cup final. Biggest crowd in Cornwall today.

Lockhart Cup Q-F Penzance Reserves v St Just GAME ON

Without us Oldies there would be no football as most matchday roles, groundsmen, committee members, etc, are us oldies.

This virus will be with us forever now, just like the flu. All these precautions like closing down events, self isolating will not work it will only slow it's progress. All of us will catch it in the end. Last year 1,692 people died of the flu and we'll have the same number each year for this virus. The media have really hyped it up, gives them headlines for you to read, watch or listen too.