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Lanreath 2 Foxhole 2

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Lanreath 2 (Facey, Lewis) Foxhole 2 (Griffin, Bromley)

Saturday 2nd August 2008

It had been a very restless night. Somebody had rung me several times in the small hours and sang "Stand and Deliver" down the phone. I told him to get lost but he was adamant. When I finally got back to sleep, I dreamt I was eating a huge marshmallow; in the morning I couldn't find my pillow anywhere.

I was running really late by the time I set off for my first ever visit to Lanreath. Rather than listen to the hilariously amateurish presenters on our beloved local radio stations, I put on a new CD I'd recently bought: "How To Be More Assertive". So engrossed was I by its fascinating tips on boosting my confidence, I failed to recognise the detrimental effect it was having both on my driving and my ability to assess when it was inappropriate to argue with authority.

The officer who pulled me over was female (at least, I'm fairly sure she was) and was so ugly I wondered if her hobby was stepping on rakes, and if, when she caught burglars, whether they gave her their masks to wear. Unfortunately, I misjudged my approach.

"Have you been drinking, Sir?" she asked.

"Why?" I replied. "Have I a fat bird in my car?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Do you realise you were travelling at 80 miles an hour?"

"That's impossible", I said. "I only left home 20 minutes ago. And anyway, I passed a sign which said 'Fine for speeding' ".

By now I could tell she was unimpressed by my newly-found, but misplaced, assertiveness.

"And I suppose you were racing along in the middle of the road because it says on your driving licence 'tear along dotted line'?".

I was given a week to present my documents and drove off again in a disgruntled mood, after disposing of the CD. Within a few minutes, I came across a broken-down Fiat, beside which a gorgeous young lady was struggling with a puncture.

"Screwdriver?" I asked.

"Why not?" she said. "I'll never change this tyre."

All this had made me even more late and I approached Lanreath with no idea where the ground was. I parked and knocked on the door of a house so old it was probably still insured against invasion by the Vikings.

"Can you tell me the quickest way to the football pitch, please?" I enquired of the sweet, if somewhat confused, woman who lived there.

"Are you walking or driving?"

"I'm driving".

"Good", she said. "That's definitely the quickest way".

Travelling through the village, it was evident that Lanreath had a quaint Olde Worlde charm. It appeared to have the world's largest range of Morris Minors per capita and I passed a garage sale where a small group of men were eagerly searching through a pile of Betamax video tapes resting on a trestle table until, on hearing an aeroplane, they all stopped and pointed to the sky.

Foxhole wasted a hatful of chances from the off but fell behind on 14 when Facey rose to meet Nick Collins' near post cross. Although Lanreath were always dangerous on the break, and Holland had to be at his best to deny both Nick Collins and Battams, the Foxes largely dominated but lacked a cutting edge. Parsons saved from Griffin on at least three occasions, while Warne and Bromley both went close before Andy Collins' poor backheader was seized on by Griffin to equalise on 42. Bullock then released Hill, but the ball took a nasty bobble and flew harmlessly over the bar.

The early stages of the second half saw Foxhole squander a succession of good opportunities before the match became a more even contest. The visitors were badly missing the injured Watson, allowing the combative home midfield to enjoy good possession, while Facey and Lawrence were making life difficult for an uncertain Foxhole defence, so Lewis' fine finish with thirteen minutes remaining was not unexpected. Bromley made it all square four minutes later, his firm header from Butler's corner giving Parsons no chance

but May's miss from three yards at the end summed up the desperate nature of the finishing.

On the way home, I had to answer a call of nature and stopped by a roadside toilet. On returning to my car, I was shocked to discover a crude message written on my windscreen in pink lipstick, offering me ###### "without commitment" at her home. I looked around but could see no-one; she had left her mobile number but was clearly a nutcase. I mean, you should have seen the state of her front-room.

Foxhole (4-3-3): Ryan Holland 7; David Grose 7, Lewis Prince 7, Phil Hobbs 7, Jamie Bullock 6; Adam Holland 6, Adam Bromley 6, Jason Warne 6; Richard Griffin 6, Scott Hill 6, Liam Nicholls 6.

Subs: Josh French 6, Kyle Friendship 6, Andrew Butler 6, Matt May 6, Mark Rowe 7.

Lanreath (5-3-2): Dan Parsons; Adam Hill, Bradley Powell, Andy Collins, Dave Battams, Paul Haddock; James Robertson, Justin Lewis, Nick Collins; Mark Facey, Dan Lawrence.

Sub: Dan Yeatman.

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