Funniest Footballing Stories

[Ian Pethick]

We all need a bit of a lift from the general awfulness of the world at the moment, so I am sure we would love to share some funny footballing stories. Some of the more senior folk on here must have some absolute belters. Here's a favourite of mine.

Somebody told me the story once of how they played in a school football match in the pouring rain and the referee (the games teacher) refused to get out of his car. He parked on the sidelines with car facing the pitch and kept the engine running to keep the wipers and demister going (and car warm). The car horn was used instead of the whistle.

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[fenman]

 

I worked with a man who was a bit similar in looks and manner to Captain Mainwaring in Dads Army , we called him the Bulldog . There was no harm in him other than he dived straight in without thinking . He was a good cricketer and a reasonably good footballer . I was umpiring a game and he was an opening bat . The bowler sent a slowish pace ball down and the Bulldog  stepped away and the ball took out his off stump . As he marched past me I said to him " what on earth were you doing ( it could have been something stronger )  he said " it was well wide " 

On another occasion we were playing in an inter divisional football match , these games were usually needle match's   and this was a cup semi final . The pitch was a quagmire and the score was 0 -0  , I banged a cross in and the goalkeeper rushed out to collect it , I had struck it hard and he had a job to hold it  .He palmed it down but the ball stopped in the mud , his forward momentum meant that he went past the ball and was stranded  with the ball stuck behind him in the 6 yard box . Bulldog pounced  and smashed the ball into the empty net , or so we all thought , but he miss cued it and it went out of play near the corner flag  . You can imagine the comments , one of our players was an ex professional with Notts Forest  and didn't suffer fools lightly , he said " why couldn't you just roll the F *****ing ball in the net  .? Bulldog calmly said " it's alright I just wanted to see the net bulge " We lost the game 1  -- 0 to a penalty conceded by , you've guessed it   , the Bulldog . I can't remember his excuse  but I remember the miserable trip home 

[fenman]

Not directly a football story but !!!!!!!!!!

When I lived in the Fens as a young man I was very fortunate in that a. I could drive and had a car , unlike many of my age group and b. I had travelled around Norfolk ,  Lincolnshire , Suffolk and Cambridgeshire  a lot so I knew my way around  , again unlike my age group .

We were playing away at a place called Feltwell which is right on the southern border of Norfolk  . As I was the only one who knew the way I lead the convoy of 3 crowded cars .

One of the players in my crowded Morris Minor was Tosh . Now Tosh was a rough sort of character who had a stutter . When we got to Feltwell  Tosh got out to ask a passing youth where the football pitch was  " can you tttttell us where the ffffffffoootball pppitch is " he said . Unbelievably the youth also had a stutter " its the ffffirst rroad on the left  then through the big gggggateway " he said .Tosh said " are you tttttaking the ppppiss " and an argument broke out followed by a fight . We all leapt out of the cars to break it up . Eventually we got to the ground , changed in the cars  ( no changing rooms in the Fens in those days   "  , trotted out on the pitch and lined up to find that Tosh's man was the lllllinesman   , to be fair though he didn't hold it against , he was quite sporting .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

30 minutes ago, fenman said:

Not directly a football story but !!!!!!!!!!

When I lived in the Fens as a young man I was very fortunate in that a. I could drive and had a car , unlike many of my age group and b. I had travelled around Norfolk ,  Lincolnshire , Suffolk and Cambridgeshire  a lot so I knew my way around  , again unlike my age group .

We were playing away at a place called Feltwell which is right on the southern border of Norfolk  . As I was the only one who knew the way I lead the convoy of 3 crowded cars .

One of the players in my crowded Morris Minor was Tosh . Now Tosh was a rough sort of character who had a stutter . When we got to Feltwell  Tosh got out to ask a passing youth where the football pitch was  " can you tttttell us where the ffffffffoootball pppitch is " he said . Unbelievably the youth also had a stutter " its the ffffirst rroad on the left  then through the big gggggateway " he said .Tosh said " are you tttttaking the ppppiss " and an argument broke out followed by a fight . We all leapt out of the cars to break it up . Eventually we got to the ground , changed in the cars  ( no changing rooms in the Fens in those days   "  , trotted out on the pitch and lined up to find that Tosh's man was the lllllinesman   , to be fair though he didn't hold it against , he was quite sporting .

Brilliant story...loved it.

[cornishteddyboy]

5 stories, two involving keepers.

Season 2005-06 Mullion v Penzance Reserves, an evening game in early April. Game started a bit late and was a ding-dong, each team scoring until it got to 4-4. Then Pz score 2 quick goals thinking the game was put to bed. it was almost dark and I was standing by the Pz goal and Craig Nicholls turned to me and said "I can't see us losing this now" and at that same moment while he was looking at me a Mullion player belted the ball that went right between Craig legs! Pz held on to win 6-5 with the game finishing in the pitch black.

Can't remember the season but the weather was terrible, storms, wind and rain. All games in Cornwall called off apart from Pz first team v Truro City. Game kicked off and it was like a mud bath, players slipping and sliding everywhere. Mud 1-2 inches deep all over the pitch. Big crowd, at least 400 watching, as nothing else was on. Game at 0-0 until half-way through the second half. Truro come down their right until 40yds from the goal-line. Player looks up and lobs the ball into the middle of the 6yd box. Paul Williams the Pz keeper at the time jumps up and shouts "I got this" but due to the mud on the ball it slips through his upright arms, drops behind him and floats over the line on a wave of rain water. No more goals, we lost 1-0.

Can't remember when or where but Pz Reserves won an away game 1-0. Late in the game, one of our strikers goes forwards, belts the ball, it rebounds off the post, strikes the lad full in the face and then the ball beats the keeper. Referee blows for 90 minutes, poor player is on the floor knocked out.

Back in the seventies Pz had a supporter called Donald (Donnie) who walked with two sticks as he could not bend his knees. Anyone remember him. I used to go round with Donnie to all matches, home and away, by train. One day we took the train to see our Reserves at Perranwell. We got into Perranwell station quicker than we thought we would so when the train stopped we rushed as quickly as possible to get off, Donnie behind me. I got off, turned round to help him. As he was stepping off, the train pulled away, so I pushed him back into the train and slammed the door. I waited on the platform for the train to get back from Falmouth, got him off the train, we got a local taxi and were still in time to see most of the match.

Watching Pz first team away, late 70's or early 80's, can't remember where, I won the half-time raffle, a bottle of sherry. In those days there were about 10 of us who used to follow the Magpies by train so being a jack the lad I said sherry was a "p**f's drink" and proceeded to drink the whole bottle on the way home plus the usual beer we took with us. Got back to Pz and stayed at a mates house and was as sick as a dog. Never touched sherry since.

 

 

[fenman]

This is not really that funny in a joke sense but falls into the tragically funny bracket . Those of you involved with clubs will know someone like this .

When I was running a club  I had 3 brothers playing for me . The older 2 were reasonably decent players but a bit unreliable . The youngest was'nt much good but talked a good game , he was absolutely full of himself  . He often told me they he was surprised he wasn't in the starting eleven as he was much better than the other players , a sentiment that the others were not in agreement with . 

We signed an ex professional  Chris Roll  , he was a local lad and a friend of my son and  had played for Colchester United  , he  was in his early 40's and enjoyed a game  . He was ( and still is ) a lovely man and always made allowance for the players with less ability . On one occasion   he was trying to set up our young centre forward who was quite a gifted 16 year old player . Unfortunately  a combination of the ball always being slightly too far ahead of our striker because of the strong backwind and a less than fair linesman meant that he couldn't score . At half time  our super sub called Chris over and game him advice on how he should be passing and controlling the ball . The players were stunned with his arrogance , Chris found it amusing though and took it in good spirit .

I saw the young lad recently , he told me he had finished playing because he was fed up with playing with people who just weren't up to his standard .

[fenman]

As there seems to be a shortage of football funny stories here's a non football story that older with his knowledge of machinery might be amused by .

When I finished bluffing my way through a police career , I worked for a haulage company , my main job was washing trailers in preparation for the ministry test . We had a pressure washer driven by a single cylinder diesel engine . To start the engine you had to wrap a cord around the engine pulley , turn the engine backward off the compression stroke , push down the decompressor lever , brace your feet and pull like hell . I was away for a week enjoying my trip down to Cornwall .During the week a trailer had to be washed , so Mick  , who also worked there ,  was asked to wash it . He couldn't start the washer , several of the fitters tried without any luck . Mick insisted that he'd  watched me start it easily  and he was doing exactly as I did . Now Mick was probably slightly behind me when brains were issued , in fact if he were in the Police he would have made it to  superintendent rank . He tried several times to start it during the week with no luck . When I returned everyone was full of the fact that they couldn't use the washer . A crowd gathered round as I wrapped the cord round the pulley , pressed the decompressor level down and pulled like hell . It burst into life and away I went hosing everything thing in site . I used it several times over the following weeks and people were baffled as to why no one else could start  it .Some months  later  the engine eventually blew up and was replaced by one with an electric starter . Once or twice people asked me how I could start it when no one else could . What  they didn't notice was that I wrapped the cord clockwise round the pulley so that when I pulled it the engine rotated clockwise , which was the correct way . Mick  hadn't noticed this and was wrapping the cord anti clockwise so that when he any the others pulled the cord the engine was being turned backwards , he insisted that this was the correct way and the others followed suit .To this day people are baffled why I could start it .

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

7 hours ago, fenman said:

As there seems to be a shortage of football funny stories here's a non football story that older with his knowledge of machinery might be amused by .

When I finished bluffing my way through a police career , I worked for a haulage company , my main job was washing trailers in preparation for the ministry test . We had a pressure washer driven by a single cylinder diesel engine . To start the engine you had to wrap a cord around the engine pulley , turn the engine backward off the compression stroke , push down the decompressor lever , brace your feet and pull like hell . I was away for a week enjoying my trip down to Cornwall .During the week a trailer had to be washed , so Mick  , who also worked there ,  was asked to wash it . He couldn't start the washer , several of the fitters tried without any luck . Mick insisted that he'd  watched me start it easily  and he was doing exactly as I did . Now Mick was probably slightly behind me when brains were issued , in fact if he were in the Police he would have made it to  superintendent rank . He tried several times to start it during the week with no luck . When I returned everyone was full of the fact that they couldn't use the washer . A crowd gathered round as I wrapped the cord round the pulley , pressed the decompressor level down and pulled like hell . It burst into life and away I went hosing everything thing in site . I used it several times over the following weeks and people were baffled as to why no one else could start  it .Some months  later  the engine eventually blew up and was replaced by one with an electric starter . Once or twice people asked me how I could start it when no one else could . What  they didn't notice was that I wrapped the cord clockwise round the pulley so that when I pulled it the engine rotated clockwise , which was the correct way . Mick  hadn't noticed this and was wrapping the cord anti clockwise so that when he any the others pulled the cord the engine was being turned backwards , he insisted that this was the correct way and the others followed suit .To this day people are baffled why I could start it .

Haha, remember those old engines well, wrap the rope around the pulley (the correct direction) and DO NOT wrap it around your thumb...you would lose it on kick back!!!

But. No battery or starter motor to let you down and you could start them every time.

A bit like the old crank handles on cars, saved me many a time, but again do not grip it using your thumb or you would dislocate it!!!

The good old days??? 

[fenman]

In 1978 on Cup Final day a colleague and I went down to Harlesdon in London to collect  a wanted person . We arrived in the custody office  late in the day . I noticed that a large clock in the office was showing just after mid day . The custody Sergeant was an Irishman (  O'Reilly ? no John Devine )  he said "  wait over there boys and watch this " From the cells we could hear shouting and abuse and 2 lads were brought up to the desk where the Sergeant sat . He explained that they were both being bailed to appear at court for being drunk and disturbing the peace the previous evening . They continued abusing him and told him to hurry up else they'd miss the final . They signed their bail forms and were given their property back . Among their property were 2 cup final tickets , they were led to the exit still giving abuse to the officers and said that they were off to Wembley to see their Arsenal hammer the carrot crunchers from Ipswich . As they got to the door Sergeant Devine said " Oh there's one other little thing me boys , that clock is wrong it's half past 6 and the match is over ." more abuse followed . Devine then said " I sorry you're upset but there's one other thing , Arsenal lost " They left the station steaming saying that they might as well stay there because they'd be drunk that night .again and probably be arrested .

Not directly a football story but it keeps the forum alive , apologies for the Irish name joke . 

[TheolderIgetthebetterIwas]

10 minutes ago, fenman said:

In 1978 on Cup Final day a colleague and I went down to Harlesdon in London to collect  a wanted person . We arrived in the custody office  late in the day . I noticed that a large clock in the office was showing just after mid day . The custody Sergeant was an Irishman (  O'Reilly ? no John Devine )  he said "  wait over there boys and watch this " From the cells we could hear shouting and abuse and 2 lads were brought up to the desk where the Sergeant sat . He explained that they were both being bailed to appear at court for being drunk and disturbing the peace the previous evening . They continued abusing him and told him to hurry up else they'd miss the final . They signed their bail forms and were given their property back . Among their property were 2 cup final tickets , they were led to the exit still giving abuse to the officers and said that they were off to Wembley to see their Arsenal hammer the carrot crunchers from Ipswich . As they got to the door Sergeant Devine said " Oh there's one other little thing me boys , that clock is wrong it's half past 6 and the match is over ." more abuse followed . Devine then said " I sorry you're upset but there's one other thing , Arsenal lost " They left the station steaming saying that they might as well stay there because they'd be drunk that night .again and probably be arrested .

Not directly a football story but it keeps the forum alive , apologies for the Irish name joke . 

Brilliant...love it😂

[Brianmooreshead]

I once asked our manager why I was always in the second team

He replied " Because we haven't got a third team "