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Aladin has been banned from The Magic Carpet Grand Prix, he has been found to have used performance enhancing rugs. Stay safe and keep smiling.

A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool.  The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '.  The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're

Ordered a Chinese delivery...took ages, so when he pulled up at the end of the drive I went out to take it off him. He started shouting ISOLATE, ISOLATE!!! I said yeah don’t worry bout it mate, I know

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This is not a joke but a humorous  story , one of many from my Police career  . I've only posted it to keep some life in the forum in the absence of football .

In the 90's Richard Bransons aunt opened a small woollen garment factory in Norfolk using wool from her flock of rare breed black sheep . It was opened by Princess Anne . I was part of the team who had to search the premises and nearby premises prior to the opening . We had one or two local constables with us whose job it was to guard the premises when we left . One of the officers Ian could best be described , and we've all worked with them , as a bombastic know all . As the saying go's " if you had an elephant , he'd have the box it came in " He's served in the R.A.F. and went on about how he had had to put senior officers right when working with and around helicopters . He was scathing about them and senior Police Officers  . He became a bit of a bore by mid morning especially as we'd started at 4.00am and were becoming tired . The sergeant in charge of the dog section turned up in an apparent panic . He said that there had been a bit of a **** up , Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but they had no one trained in helicopter landing site procedures to sort out the landing site . Someone suggested Ian as he'd said that he had worked with helicopters in the R.A.F. . The sergeant explained what he wanted and Ian sort of responded that he knew about the procedure .From his manner you could tell he was struggling but couldn't lose face . Off they went in the dog van to the sounds of a barking dog . The sergeant in charge of our team said " thank God for that he was driving me crazy " . A while later the dog sergeant returned smiling and said " you lad's owe me a pint now " . He'd taken Ian to a grass field in the middle of nowhere and told him that it was the emergency landing site and had to be guarded by someone experienced in helicopters and left him there . Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but landing at Norwich Airport 15 miles away  and would be arriving at our venue by car and  there was no emergency landing site . Ian never mentioned  being had over , if he even sussed it out , and still carried on in the same way. 

Sorry to bore you all .

Weather dry but cold up here Older , but the fields are still under water .

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2 hours ago, fenman said:

This is not a joke but a humorous  story , one of many from my Police career  . I've only posted it to keep some life in the forum in the absence of football .

In the 90's Richard Bransons aunt opened a small woollen garment factory in Norfolk using wool from her flock of rare breed black sheep . It was opened by Princess Anne . I was part of the team who had to search the premises and nearby premises prior to the opening . We had one or two local constables with us whose job it was to guard the premises when we left . One of the officers Ian could best be described , and we've all worked with them , as a bombastic know all . As the saying go's " if you had an elephant , he'd have the box it came in " He's served in the R.A.F. and went on about how he had had to put senior officers right when working with and around helicopters . He was scathing about them and senior Police Officers  . He became a bit of a bore by mid morning especially as we'd started at 4.00am and were becoming tired . The sergeant in charge of the dog section turned up in an apparent panic . He said that there had been a bit of a **** up , Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but they had no one trained in helicopter landing site procedures to sort out the landing site . Someone suggested Ian as he'd said that he had worked with helicopters in the R.A.F. . The sergeant explained what he wanted and Ian sort of responded that he knew about the procedure .From his manner you could tell he was struggling but couldn't lose face . Off they went in the dog van to the sounds of a barking dog . The sergeant in charge of our team said " thank God for that he was driving me crazy " . A while later the dog sergeant returned smiling and said " you lad's owe me a pint now " . He'd taken Ian to a grass field in the middle of nowhere and told him that it was the emergency landing site and had to be guarded by someone experienced in helicopters and left him there . Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but landing at Norwich Airport 15 miles away  and would be arriving at our venue by car and  there was no emergency landing site . Ian never mentioned  being had over , if he even sussed it out , and still carried on in the same way. 

Sorry to bore you all .

Weather dry but cold up here Older , but the fields are still under water .

Loved that buddy...not cold here but biblical rain nearly everyday! 

Wouldn't surprise me to go up the club one morning and see Noah tied up loading animals.

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A bloke takes his missus to the pub, he notices a fella keeps looking over, so he walks over to speak to him. 

"Aright mate" he says.

"Yeah...fine" he replies.

"Can I ask you a couple of questions" he says - "ok" the man says.

"Do you like women who when they take their bra's off their boobs hit their knee's"

"No" he says.

"Do you like women with a glass eye"

"NO" he says.

"Do you like women with varicose veins and cellulite "

"Bloody hell...no way" he replies.

So the husband says - "well stop looking at my bloody wife then".

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11 minutes ago, Bruegel the Elder said:

He wouldn’t have far to come. He’s a Channel Island boy, I’m sure I read somewhere about Noah, sark. Related to Russell Crowe too it seems (if you’ve read the book, see the film!) 🎥🦒🦒🐘🐘🦘🦘🦏🦏🦓🦓🐅🐅🦕🦕‼️

You've had one of them malts again Breugel! 

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I went to the Norwich Hospital today , in the car park was a notice , it said " thieves operate here "  . I know they're short of surgeons  but that's silly 

I know I'm getting old now , I went to antique auction and people started bidding on me .

Some friends of mine held a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year party . They called it the " Chinese Burns Night " I didn't want to go but they twisted my arm .

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i had to turn down the offer of a job in a  company that makes mirrors , I just couldn't see myself doing it .

In line with their new  rules on handball and offside F.I.F.A.  have announced that all Champions League and Europa Cup games will be one legged and played on a  neutral ground ,  no replay and away goals  count double .

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My mate went to take his seat at the World Cup final when he noticed that there was an empty seat between him and the next man along. “Who on earth would miss a World Cup final” my mate asked. The old chap replied “My wife and I have been to each of the last five World Cup finals, but sadly she passed away”. “Oh, I’m sorry”  said my mate “ but couldn’t you get one of your other friends or family to come with you?”. “No”, he said, “they’re all at the funeral!”.

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Q) Have you heard about the new Everton Brassiere?

A) It has plenty of support but no cups!

Q) What do you call a boat full of honest footballers?

A) A good sportsmanship! Boom Boom!

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Up in the far beyond, God and the Devil were having yet another dispute.

“Let us settle it with a football match” said Satan.

“You’re on”, said the all-mighty, “but why? Up in heaven we have all the very best players!”

“Aha”, replied the evil one “but we have all the referees!”

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13 hours ago, Bruegel the Elder said:

Up in the far beyond, God and the Devil were having yet another dispute.

“Let us settle it with a football match” said Satan.

“You’re on”, said the all-mighty, “but why? Up in heaven we have all the very best players!”

“Aha”, replied the evil one “but we have all the referees!”

Bruegel, on a public forum - which this is, would you make jokes about Allah ? Can you imagine the uproar in the Muslim community if you did ?

Why then do you make jokes about God, thus offending Christians ? 

Be careful sir, the Bible tells us that God will not be mocked. Whether or not you believe in God -  He is real, He is alive, He has proved himself to me over and again since I became a Christian. The good news is sir, that He created us and He loves us all - but He does not love the things we do, or say at times. The best news - Jesus Christ died and rose from the dead for our sins - that we all might live through belief in Him.

PM me if you wish - but feel no obligation.

 

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Keith, I am sorry if I offended you or indeed anybody else. I specifically didn’t mention which God I was referring to, although from the context it would certainly be monoatheistic which could still cover a number of world religions. 
Either way, if there is a god, and I’m still on the fence on that one, I would certainly hope that he/she has a sense of humour.

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God having a sense of humour (?), I'm unsure on that. I know that He saw my post and your response and, that He knows you and what drew the response from you. I will ask him to bless you and yours dear sir, with every good thing in the future. He is both a God of love and mercy. The only real god, our creator.

Now back to the football, before I upset the forum administrator 🙂.

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