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1 hour ago, Billy Davies said:

August tomorrow so this is going to be my final joke after bloody months of trying to make people smile.

The famous seventies group 10cc have gone on a vacation tour of Scottish Lakes in the hope that they will come up with some fresh ideas. This suprised me because i thought they would Dread Loch Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry and Adios amigos.

Thanks Billy for your devoted work on here over the past few months. Much appreciated and well done for sticking to it! 👍😀

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2 hours ago, Billy Davies said:

August tomorrow so this is going to be my final joke after bloody months of trying to make people smile.

The famous seventies group 10cc have gone on a vacation tour of Scottish Lakes in the hope that they will come up with some fresh ideas. This suprised me because i thought they would Dread Loch Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry and Adios amigos.

Well done Billy and thank you - a great thread - at the right time.

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  • 3 months later...

Apparently 5/4 ths of the population don't understand fractions 

I visited a monastery  and in the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes , I said " are you the friar ?" he said " no I'm the chip monk "

Our local vicar hasn't been seen for a week . The Police are treating it as a missing parson .

I've deleted all my German contacts from my phone . I've gone Hans free .

My sister in law has passed her driving test at the 20th attempt  . Brother in law said he would buy her a celebration present . She said she wanted something  cheap to run about  in , so he went to Aldi's are bought her a pair of trainers .

Sorry not quite finished 

My wife isn't very pleased with me , I bought her a can of lorry oil for her birthday , my mistake apparently it's called     "  L' Oreal " 

I swapped 100 Raisins for  50 sultanas  , I hope it was a bargain but I don't understand the currency exchange rate properly 

My neighbour annoys me , she plays Lionel Ritchie over and over again  , I wouldn't mind but its all night long .

Pathetic really but Billy Davies will respond with better ones .

 

 

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No response from Billy Davies  so the second rate jokes continue 

A man was sitting in  a hospital  maternity unit when he heard 2 surgeons talking  , one said " I am telling you it's spelt whoom " the other said " no , no  it's spelt wooom " they continued arguing . The man couldn't stand it any longer he said " excuse me butting in but you're both wrong , it's spelt womb " one of the surgeons replied " How do you know ? have you ever heard a water buffalo fart under water ?" 

This magician had a show in Padstow , one of his tricks was sawing people in half . At the end of the show he was chatting to members of the audience , one of them asked " have you any siblings?" , he replied " yes I've got a half brother and a half sister " .

I won a fancy dress competition last year , I went as a spreadsheet , I really excelled myself .

I bought some fly spray from Asda last week , I said to the sales assistant " is it good for wasps ?"  . She said " no it kills them ."

My brother in law had a nasty accident with a vacuum cleaner and had to go to hospital . His wife rang to see how he was  and the nurse said he was alright and picking up nicely .

My wife argued with me that an onion is the only vegetable to make you cry  , I smacked her on the nose with a parsnip , that made her eyes water .

I've got to finish now because  I'm playing chess with a friend in Prague , he's my check mate .

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I went to Blackpool last week. 

NEVER AGAIN!!!

I was walking along the prom, and in the distance I could see a large group of people. As I got closer I could see a couple in the middle. They were screaming and shouting at each other at full volume, much to the amusement of the crowd. Then it started to turn nasty, and the couple started hitting each other, fists at first, then from somewhere the woman found a frying pan, and started clouting the man with it around the head and body. I guess that someone called the police, as a copper arrived and tried to stop the couple from fighting. Amazingly it worked, but instead of calming down, they started to attack the copper, hitting him with fists and the frying pan! The crowd were loving it, especially the kids.

Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile appeared and stole ALL of the sausages.

 

(That's the way to do it) 

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A man is in hospital and quite ill , he has to be fed via a tube up his rectum . He fancies a cup of tea , so the nurse puts a funnel on the end of the tube a begins to pour the tea in . The man lets out a loud scream , the nurse says " I'm sorry is it too hot ?" he says " no , there's no sugar " .

morning older , we are now getting your rain up here this morning . I did drift past Penryn's ground in  March when I was down in Cornwall , but it was raining hard , so I thought it would be too wet for the groundsman to make a cup of tea. 

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3 hours ago, fenman said:

A man is in hospital and quite ill , he has to be fed via a tube up his rectum . He fancies a cup of tea , so the nurse puts a funnel on the end of the tube a begins to pour the tea in . The man lets out a loud scream , the nurse says " I'm sorry is it too hot ?" he says " no , there's no sugar " .

morning older , we are now getting your rain up here this morning . I did drift past Penryn's ground in  March when I was down in Cornwall , but it was raining hard , so I thought it would be too wet for the groundsman to make a cup of tea. 

Haha Fenman, too wet for a cup of tea! Never.

I'm a 15 cups a day man...another one is not a problem...lol

Should have popped in buddy. 

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43 minutes ago, fenman said:

England play Iceland this week , followed by Tesco on Sunday and Asda the following week 

A pound coin was thrown on the pitch during a recent Truro City home match . Police are unsure whether it is a case of hooliganism or a possible takeover bid .

Laughed out loud on those two...lmao!

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They tell me that a cure for sea sickness is to stand under a tree

During the World Cup in Brazil the England footballers visited a children's home ." It was pitiful to see their faces , away from their homes and no hope for the future " said Jao Santos aged 6 

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time . Which is just about right for the American Presidential election .

There's worse to follow 

3 men on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with . Their solution , throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter .

I went to a Plymouth home game with my grandson . We got to the turnstile  and the operator asked for my ticket . I searched through all  my pockets  and my man bag but couldn't find it and people became agitated with the hold up . I suddenly said " I've got it , it's in my mouth  " .As we walked in my grandson said " you're getting senile grandad fancy forgetting that your ticket was in your mouth " I said " I'm not quite that daft yet , I was chewing last weeks date off the ticket " 

My apologies for these pathetic jokes but the wind and rain have kept me indoors today .

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A man is in need of a brain transplant . The consulate told him that replacements are very rare . A barristers is £600 , a  surgeons is £1200 and a premiership players is £8000 . The patient said " they are all quite expensive but tell me why is the footballers brain so much dearer ?"  " It's because  it's not had much use " replied the consultant .

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Fenman, I went to the Doctors again today and he told me I am a hypochondriac. That hurt!!!

People have been moaning about Christmas Presents being out too early in supermarkets but my Birthday is in December and they had Birthday Cakes in Asda in March!!!

 

I accidentally swallowed a pot of invisible ink this morning. I am now in hospital waiting to be seen!!!

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Everything is a bit of a blur this morning . I played Russian Vodka roulette last night , 6 of you drink a bottle of Russian Vodka each then someone leaves the room  then the others have to guess who it was .

I hope we don't have the same doctor Billy , mine is hopeless . He's been treating a man for yellow jaundice for 5 years , and not noticed he's a chinaman . 

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2 reasons to post on here 1 it's raining up here so I can't get on the allotment 2 I can't get down to Cornwall again this year so I'll punish you by inflicting awful jokes 

My brother in law  works at Norwich Airport , he's just been prosecuted for stealing luggage off of the carousel . He pleaded guilty and asked for 30 other cases to be taken into considerations .

The Army have invented a new missile , it's called" the civil servant " it's doesn't work and can't be fired .

I just checked the lottery , I rushed downstairs and said to the wife " guess what ? I've won 6 million pounds on the lottery , start packing your bags " She said " what sort of clothes warm weather or cold ?" I said " whatever you like as long as your'e out of my house by 7 tonight " 

A handsome young priest and a young nun are travelling together to a conference , their car breaks down . They managed to get to a Premier Inn but there's only one room with one bed available . The nun says " well we could share , surely the Almighty would  agree under the circumstances " So they get into bed , after a while the nun who quite fancies the priest , says " father I'm cold " so the priest gets out of bed and finds another blanket for her . After a while she say's " father I need another pillow " so he gets out of bed and gets her a pillow . After a while she says " father I'm still very cold , couldn't we pretend that we are married just for tonight , I'm sure the Almighty would allow it just for tonight " The priest said " what a good idea , get out a get your own bloody blanket " 

I was in the bank yesterday , we were greeted at the door by a member of staff who was monitoring the number of people going in the bank . She said to my wife " can I help you ?" the wife said " yes I need to check my balance " so the woman pushed her over .

Ah the suns coming out .

 

 

 

 

 

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