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I've to catch Billy Davies

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror one morning . She said to her husband " I'm getting old and feel depressed , , my teeth have gone , my boobs are saggy , oh  I am depressed " Her husband grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " look at me , my hair is straggly , my flesh is all wrinkly it's all so depressing ."  He just grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " oh its depressing look at me my bum is all cellulite  I'm in a sad state " . He carried on reading , she said " say something positive about me for God's sake " he looked up from his paper and said " well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight " .

I  went into the Treboney chip shop in Roche  last month , I said to the woman " I like coming here , I was here a year ago " . She said " yes I know there's a queue but I'm trying my best "

No disrespect to Trebboney , it's a must on our first day in Cornwall .

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19 hours ago, fenman said:

Just had a strange experience , I went out at 8 o'clock to put the bin out for the morning and my neighbours all clapped me .

You have to imagine an Australian accent for this . In the first world war at  the battle of Mons the losses are horrific . An Australian platoon turn up at the trenches . They are inspected by a high ranking British officer ( the trenches must have been some distance from the front line )  who inspects the platoon . He stops in front of a young Aussie private and "said hello my man have  you come to die ?" he replied " No sir I came yesterdie "

I bought a new car today , SEAT  had a good offer on so I traded mine in and I have to pay £200 a month for 3 years  with an option to buy at the end . The salesman said " if you don't want to keep it we will take it back " So I said " what day will that be ?" he said " well in 3 years time " I said can you be more precise , I mean what time will it be ?" He said " why do you have to be precise ? " I said well Asda should be  delivering my online order in the afternoon " .

Great fenman. I believe that in the Army the officers lead from the front - other that is, than the most senior officers as you say.

In the demos/riots I was unfortunate to be policing in the 70's - 80's in London, the Senior Police Officers led from the rear - PC's and Sergeants were at the front. The Lewisham High Street riot, was the first time police with riot shields were seen on the streets of the capital. Most frightening riot I was ever involved in. Saw sights that day I hope we never see again on our streets. Police were pelted with bricks, bottles, concrete, cocktail bombs and marbles were thrown under the feet of the horses. Police vehicles set on fire, some PC's finished up tunic tops torn or gone and shirts covered in blood and shredded. When the riot shield units arrived it was a great relief indeed. But the fighting continued still. I can't remember how many were arrested that day - time blurs the memory - other than the worst experiences.

Oh sorry - this is the daily laugh thread, apologies again.

 

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4 hours ago, fenman said:

I've to catch Billy Davies

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror one morning . She said to her husband " I'm getting old and feel depressed , , my teeth have gone , my boobs are saggy , oh  I am depressed " Her husband grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " look at me , my hair is straggly , my flesh is all wrinkly it's all so depressing ."  He just grunted and carried on reading his newspaper . She said " oh its depressing look at me my bum is all cellulite  I'm in a sad state " . He carried on reading , she said " say something positive about me for God's sake " he looked up from his paper and said " well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight " .

I  went into the Treboney chip shop in Roche  last month , I said to the woman " I like coming here , I was here a year ago " . She said " yes I know there's a queue but I'm trying my best "

No disrespect to Trebboney , it's a must on our first day in Cornwall .

Great effort Fenman i hope you enjoyed your fish and chips and if you didn't don't carp on about it. Stay safe and keep smiling.

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I've got a job in a cuckoo clock , the hours aren't great but they get me out of the house .

My neighbour mixed his daffodil bulbs up with his onions , he made a Spanish Omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital , the doctors say he should be out in the spring next year

My wife's eyes are terrible  we've got 150 sausage rolls , 200 boiled eggs ,and loads of ice cream she thought it said picnic buying .

She went to the shop today , she was moaning because Oxo cubes were £5.00 a pack , she said " the stock market has gone crazy "

She's also moaning because she missed celebrity hairdressing on BBC  last night , I told her " don't worry the highlights will be on tonight ".

A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M3 Police have advised motorists to avoid the Yeast bound carriageway .

I bought a television today , someone had put it outside their house for sale , it was only £1  and the advert said the volume control  was broken and stuck on full , well I couldn't turn it down .

Having posted these pathetic jokes I can sneak in a reply to Keith B . Yes I know what you mean Keith I was at Toxteth  and the miners dispute . You remembered the good governors  , the few that could lead , but you remembered the others with disdain .

Billy Davies , thanks , I always think that Trebonny is the best plaice for fish and chips , I usually get a haddock from the bright sunlight on my trip down from Norfolk .And of course from 8 hours sitting I walk crablike to the shop because my mussels have seized up  , happily whistling a tuna two , I'm a dab hand at whistling , . The last time I went there I saw a dog on the main road in Roche carrying a fishing rod , I thought I'll keep an eye on him , I've never seen a dogfish . We usually stop beside the railway line on the way to Mawgan Porth and have a whale of a time eating the chips , people often think it's fishy , 2 old people parked in a remote spot .

I was going to ask if Older has tea making facilities when he's tending to his football pitch , in case I'm going past one day and introduce myself , but after writing this I darn't show my face in Cornwall . 

 

 

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38 minutes ago, fenman said:

I've got a job in a cuckoo clock , the hours aren't great but they get me out of the house .

My neighbour mixed his daffodil bulbs up with his onions , he made a Spanish Omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital , the doctors say he should be out in the spring next year

My wife's eyes are terrible  we've got 150 sausage rolls , 200 boiled eggs ,and loads of ice cream she thought it said picnic buying .

She went to the shop today , she was moaning because Oxo cubes were £5.00 a pack , she said " the stock market has gone crazy "

She's also moaning because she missed celebrity hairdressing on BBC  last night , I told her " don't worry the highlights will be on tonight ".

A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M3 Police have advised motorists to avoid the Yeast bound carriageway .

I bought a television today , someone had put it outside their house for sale , it was only £1  and the advert said the volume control  was broken and stuck on full , well I couldn't turn it down .

Having posted these pathetic jokes I can sneak in a reply to Keith B . Yes I know what you mean Keith I was at Toxteth  and the miners dispute . You remembered the good governors  , the few that could lead , but you remembered the others with disdain .

Billy Davies , thanks , I always think that Trebonny is the best plaice for fish and chips , I usually get a haddock from the bright sunlight on my trip down from Norfolk .And of course from 8 hours sitting I walk crablike to the shop because my mussels have seized up  , happily whistling a tuna two , I'm a dab hand at whistling , . The last time I went there I saw a dog on the main road in Roche carrying a fishing rod , I thought I'll keep an eye on him , I've never seen a dogfish . We usually stop beside the railway line on the way to Mawgan Porth and have a whale of a time eating the chips , people often think it's fishy , 2 old people parked in a remote spot .

I was going to ask if Older has tea making facilities when he's tending to his football pitch , in case I'm going past one day and introduce myself , but after writing this I darn't show my face in Cornwall . 

 

 

Fantastic stuff Fenman the wife and I have ventured in from he garden she is drinking Wine and I am on the cider but we are having a whale of a time. You have made us and our son laugh so Thank you and keep it going and hopefully we can meet up one day. Stay safe and well and keep joking. Smiles are always important. Cheers Bill.

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14 hours ago, fenman said:

I've got a job in a cuckoo clock , the hours aren't great but they get me out of the house .

My neighbour mixed his daffodil bulbs up with his onions , he made a Spanish Omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital , the doctors say he should be out in the spring next year

My wife's eyes are terrible  we've got 150 sausage rolls , 200 boiled eggs ,and loads of ice cream she thought it said picnic buying .

She went to the shop today , she was moaning because Oxo cubes were £5.00 a pack , she said " the stock market has gone crazy "

She's also moaning because she missed celebrity hairdressing on BBC  last night , I told her " don't worry the highlights will be on tonight ".

A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M3 Police have advised motorists to avoid the Yeast bound carriageway .

I bought a television today , someone had put it outside their house for sale , it was only £1  and the advert said the volume control  was broken and stuck on full , well I couldn't turn it down .

Having posted these pathetic jokes I can sneak in a reply to Keith B . Yes I know what you mean Keith I was at Toxteth  and the miners dispute . You remembered the good governors  , the few that could lead , but you remembered the others with disdain .

Billy Davies , thanks , I always think that Trebonny is the best plaice for fish and chips , I usually get a haddock from the bright sunlight on my trip down from Norfolk .And of course from 8 hours sitting I walk crablike to the shop because my mussels have seized up  , happily whistling a tuna two , I'm a dab hand at whistling , . The last time I went there I saw a dog on the main road in Roche carrying a fishing rod , I thought I'll keep an eye on him , I've never seen a dogfish . We usually stop beside the railway line on the way to Mawgan Porth and have a whale of a time eating the chips , people often think it's fishy , 2 old people parked in a remote spot .

I was going to ask if Older has tea making facilities when he's tending to his football pitch , in case I'm going past one day and introduce myself , but after writing this I darn't show my face in Cornwall . 

 

 

Ha ha - you're getting older and better every day fenman - great stuff - keep em coming !

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I'm going to ration this to individual posts so I can get more than Billy Davies .

With this lockdown I've ruined my only pair of shoes by digging on the allotment . luckily there's a shoe shop open near me .  I don't particularly like going in there  because the assistants always come out with modern false friendliness " how are you today sir ?" and if you care , " have a nice day sir " again as if you care . Anyway circumstances forced me to buy the new shoes . The assistant said " what size do you  take ?" I said " it's alright I prepared to pay for them "  she said " no what size do you wear ?" I said 8  " she said " we've gone metric  now , a old size 8 is now a 35 , we've moved out of the dark ages " She gave me a size 35 , I fitted it on and it was wearable but a bit tight , I told her this and she said "  "ah you'll need an 8 and a half then " 

 A group of old boy's from St. Austell were discussing the modern trend of paying tribute to every one who died . Tom said " Billy what do you want them to say at your graveside ?" Billy said " I'd like them to say I was a good husband and a good worker and will be sorely missed " . Jack said " Same with me really , they can say I was a good reliable footballer who served his club well , and was honest and reliable . They said to Sid " what about you Sid ?" he pondered for a moment and said " look his eyes just moved " .

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This isn't meant as a joke but it might amuse you , it's one of those things when you look back and think " how did I think of that so quickly . I was reminded of it today with the death of Little Richard the rock and roller  After retiring from the Police I worked for an aircraft restoration firm . . one the boys who worked there was called Richard , there was also in the same complex another young boy called Richard . To save confusion among other people on the site our Richard was Tall Richard the other was Little Richard . Also working in a nearby office was one of these people who use up to date gobbildy gook . He lived in a sort of dream world and full of bull . He burst in through our door one morning and said " hey guys , has little Richard been in ?" , quick as a flash I said " no but Chuck Berrys been in and said how are you all getting on " . Everyone fell about laughing except him , he was so far up his own behind he didn't see the joke .

This doesn't count on my list Billy so I'm still catching you up .

A man goes to the doctors he says " I think my wife's going deaf  what can I do ?" . The doctor said  "well I recommend a simple test  " stand about 15 feet away from her and speak to her if she doesn't reply move a bit closer and speak again , if she doesn't respond just keep moving forward" So he went home and she was in the kitchen . He stood about 15 foot away and said " what's for tea tonight ?" , no response , so he moved  to 12 feet and said " what's for tea tonight ?? again no response ,  he tried at 10 same result . He got to 5 feet and said " what's for tea tonight ?" , she turned and said " for the fourth bloody time of telling you  Lasagne "

 Man from Norwich goes down to Plymouth on a weeks course  . After a day he becomes bored and lonely , he browses through the bedside cabinet , and see the Gideon bible ,. He picks it up debating whether or not to read it . As he opened it a card fell out .Written on the card  it said  Kinky  , if you are bored I can offer you kinky  sessions at a reasonable price , ring me now for an unforgettable experience . After having had dinner that evening , he sits on his bed and thinks  " the wife's 400 miles away I shan't see her for a week , bugger it what's the harm "  So he rings the number and a woman answers  straight away he nervously says " I want kinky , you know , leather , black stockings , whips , handcuffs the lot , I've got plenty of money so no expense spared " The woman said "  perhaps you'd better dial 9 for an outside line first ."

When I was a boy you used to go to the fairground and pay tuppence to see grotesque fat women with tattoos all over their bodies . nowadays you see hundreds of them for free , wandering the streets .

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People often wonder why Pakistan have never been a force in World football . It's because every time they get a corner they open a shop .

The reason that midgets always appear happy on the football pitch is because the grass tickles their balls .

The schoolteacher couldn't understand why young Billy didn't like Manchester City , he said " I don't like football at all , " The teacher said " why " he said " it's because of my family , they hate football but like horse racing  and cricket , so I follow them " The teacher said " that's silly Billy , you can't let your parents influence your beliefs , what about if your family were completes morons ?" Billy said " well then I'd support Manchester City "

What do you call an Englishman in a World cup semi final ? The referee .

 Why are the similarities between  Chelsea and the U.S. Navy  . They both spend £ 60 million on a sub .

How many genuine Manchester City fans does it take to change a light bulb ?  all 5 of them .

How long would it take Liverpool fans to change a light bulb .? Forever because they spend the time talking about how good the old one was .

What's black and white , black and white , black and white ? A Newcastle player rolling in the penalty area .

How many Manchester United fans would it take to change a light bulb ?  3 , one to change the bulb , one to buy the commemorative celebration of changing the light bulb DVD  and the third to drive the other 2 back to London .

If David Beckham had have been in the Spice Girls would he have been called A Waste of Spice  ?

Chickens aren't allowed to play football because they'd be sent of for fowl play .

 Apologies for these pathetic jokes , but it's too cold outside for the allotment  and the wife is watching her usual awful American programmes so I've had to sek solace on this website . I should have put these on 2 at a time so I could beat Billie's total  , but my brain is a bit frazzled from " oh my GAAAAAD, ,  Ahhhhhsam , you guys  , I was like . etc. etc .

 

 

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A motorway patrol car pulls level with a speeding car. Looking into the car the officer is amazed to see that the Blond female driver is knitting! The Policeman winds down his window and screams " PULL OVER" The blond replies " No silly. It is a scarf"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I was walking through Drakes Circus Shopping Centre with my 11 year old son yesterday. He took a 2£ coin tossed it in the air and catches it between his teeth just to impress me but he fails to clamp down with his teeth and starts choking on the money. I panicked and started screaming. " Help is there a Doctor anywhere. My son is choking" A man sitting in a cafe drinking a coffee calmly finishes his drink and strolls over. He grabs hold of my sons balls and squeezes the hell out of them. My startled son writhes in agony and coughs up the money which the man catches and puts in his pocket and begins walking away. I run after him thanking him from the bottom of my heart, saying." You saved my sons life. You are amazing. Are you a Doctor"? No the man replies. "I work for HMRC"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Good news for our football league , we've got a new team entered next season . They are a team made up of people with dyslexia  . They've called the team Dyslexia Untied .

 

Employees play football , middle management play tennis , C.E.O's play golf  . It's seems the higher up the chain of command the smaller the balls .

 A Norwich City fan was arrested for throwing stones in the river after a home defeat . At court the magistrate said to the Police Officer " this seems a rather trivial offence  to bring before the court , a man arrested for merely throwing stones in the river , honestly whatever next ? " The officer replied "  Mr. Stones was the match  referee your worships "

I should have these 3 pathetic jokes separate entries to catch up to Billy Davies .

Weather hot and overcast here Older , land dry and in need of rain .

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6 hours ago, fenman said:

Good news for our football league , we've got a new team entered next season . They are a team made up of people with dyslexia  . They've called the team Dyslexia Untied .

 

Employees play football , middle management play tennis , C.E.O's play golf  . It's seems the higher up the chain of command the smaller the balls .

 A Norwich City fan was arrested for throwing stones in the river after a home defeat . At court the magistrate said to the Police Officer " this seems a rather trivial offence  to bring before the court , a man arrested for merely throwing stones in the river , honestly whatever next ? " The officer replied "  Mr. Stones was the match  referee your worships "

I should have these 3 pathetic jokes separate entries to catch up to Billy Davies .

Weather hot and overcast here Older , land dry and in need of rain .

Stinking hot here as well, not desperate for rain yet but leaving the grass grow for a bit of protection. 

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This thread has been and is, brilliant. I wish I could remember a joke long enough to be able to recall and write it down. I do remember though, Billy's one about the women knitting whilst driving along and the police trying to get her to pullover - great laugh. Well done and thanks Billy. Well done and thanks to all who have contributed ! 

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This probably isn't funny but it's my modern day version of an old joke

Roy Rogers the famous singing cowboy is riding across the plains  playing his guitar . A company of cavalry ride up .the Captain is like , hey dude are you Roy Rogers the famous cowboy . Roy Rogers is like absolutely , the captain is like wow awesome give me five man . Roy is like did you want me ?, the Captain is like yeah dude , a bit of like bad news a group of native Americans have burnt down your ranch . Roy is like wow man that's bad news and sags in his saddle . The Captain is like it gets worse dude they killed all your cattle . Roy is like wow that's not cool I'm like ruined , all my money was like in the ranch and cattle , he starts to sob . The Captain is like , there's more , they've also wiped out your entire family . Roy is like gee man that's the end , it's like the worst news you could give me . The Captain is like I'm sorry to tell you dude , we'll leave you to get back to the rest of your life , you have a nice day now . Roy rides off in a state of shock , the Captain stops the patrol and is like hey Roy , Roy turns  and the Captain is like Roy  give us a song before you go .

 

This sounds pathetic but this is the sort of grammar we will have in the future .

Weather hot still Older but rain possible tomorrow . I've been experimenting with spraying a weak sea weed liquid on some plants , be interesting to see the results ( he said reverting to proper English .) 

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2 hours ago, fenman said:

This probably isn't funny but it's my modern day version of an old joke

Roy Rogers the famous singing cowboy is riding across the plains  playing his guitar . A company of cavalry ride up .the Captain is like , hey dude are you Roy Rogers the famous cowboy . Roy Rogers is like absolutely , the captain is like wow awesome give me five man . Roy is like did you want me ?, the Captain is like yeah dude , a bit of like bad news a group of native Americans have burnt down your ranch . Roy is like wow man that's bad news and sags in his saddle . The Captain is like it gets worse dude they killed all your cattle . Roy is like wow that's not cool I'm like ruined , all my money was like in the ranch and cattle , he starts to sob . The Captain is like , there's more , they've also wiped out your entire family . Roy is like gee man that's the end , it's like the worst news you could give me . The Captain is like I'm sorry to tell you dude , we'll leave you to get back to the rest of your life , you have a nice day now . Roy rides off in a state of shock , the Captain stops the patrol and is like hey Roy , Roy turns  and the Captain is like Roy  give us a song before you go .

 

This sounds pathetic but this is the sort of grammar we will have in the future .

Weather hot still Older but rain possible tomorrow . I've been experimenting with spraying a weak sea weed liquid on some plants , be interesting to see the results ( he said reverting to proper English .) 

Spot on fenman .. sadly. I totally abhor this current departure from our language. This so called new way of talking by our young people is awful in my book and begs the question as to how ever did we allow this to creep into everyday speech ? Why is this sort of thing not corrected in schools ?

When one of my sons in law said, in answer to my question as to his health (how are you Rob) ''I'm good thanks'' it drew my answer ''I didn't ask if you were good or bad Rob, just how's your health ! (said with a smile).

He just looked blank and shrugged. If this is the new grammar fenman .. oh dear. Well, perhaps I'm just a grouchy 77 year old ..  wrinkly. Don't answer that 🙂 !

 

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Sadly this forum isn't the place discuss it , but modern language does baffle me  for instance when did  "absolutely "   mean   "yes " , when did all males become " gentlemen "  but most baffling of all , a man on his own is referred to a " a guy " , a man and a woman together are referred to as " you guys "  . totally baffling and slovenly use of a almost perfectly used language . Yes I accept that the English language is a mix of latin , French ,  German and Indian  which have been incorporated into English over the centuries . But I can't see how " like " can replace the verb  , when it means " similar to " . Following this use it seems that     " the secretary of the teachers union  was similar to we won't go back to school until it's safe " is now the correct grammar . Many people tell me that this slovenly misuse of English is perfectly in order as it   enhances the language . My response is " how long before some celebrity calls a horse a cow and we all follow suit .

I know many will ridicule me for my comments  but I would add this in my defence . I was speaking to an experienced senior detective recently . I asked him how they presented statements to the Crown  with this appalling grammar in them . His reply shocked me , he said the standard of spelling and general grammar in   statement taking by todays Police officers  is so poor that they now have specialist statement takers whose sole job is to travel round taking statements that are useable in prosecution .  

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4 hours ago, fenman said:

Sadly this forum isn't the place discuss it , but modern language does baffle me  for instance when did  "absolutely "   mean   "yes " , when did all males become " gentlemen "  but most baffling of all , a man on his own is referred to a " a guy " , a man and a woman together are referred to as " you guys "  . totally baffling and slovenly use of a almost perfectly used language . Yes I accept that the English language is a mix of latin , French ,  German and Indian  which have been incorporated into English over the centuries . But I can't see how " like " can replace the verb  , when it means " similar to " . Following this use it seems that     " the secretary of the teachers union  was similar to we won't go back to school until it's safe " is now the correct grammar . Many people tell me that this slovenly misuse of English is perfectly in order as it   enhances the language . My response is " how long before some celebrity calls a horse a cow and we all follow suit .

I know many will ridicule me for my comments  but I would add this in my defence . I was speaking to an experienced senior detective recently . I asked him how they presented statements to the Crown  with this appalling grammar in them . His reply shocked me , he said the standard of spelling and general grammar in   statement taking by todays Police officers  is so poor that they now have specialist statement takers whose sole job is to travel round taking statements that are useable in prosecution .  

With no proper command of the English language fenman, these people should never have got passed the interview stage for the job. How do they pass the entry exams ? The standard of recruits is obviously far lower now than in our day. Doesn't say much for the standard required for entry these days does it !

Regarding your last para - how do these individuals, I shudder to say police officers, get on in the witness box ? Being cross examined by a defence brief, I shudder to think how they will cope.

As you say, not really a subject for a soccer forum.

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Last comment on the subject then back to jokes .

I don't think that spelling and bad grammar is the main problem Keith it's the inability to construct a statement , by getting all the details out of a witness  in a readable manner . When I retired in 2001 all the old methods were beginning to fade out in favour of dedicated custody suites where you dumped the prisoner made a brief statement and left the rest to the custody team . I worked with people with university degrees who were appalling spellers and dim with it  !!!!!!!!!!

I always thought my neighbour was bald , but I've just realised that he's taller than his hair .

His wife's got a small beard because she's had several face lifts .

Northern Ireland drew The Republic of Ireland in the World Cup . The problem was that they both played in green and white . A compromise was reached , Northern Ireland would play in Green and White stripes and the Republic would play in white and green stripes .. The Republic won 1-0  ,Northern Ireland missed a penalty in the last minute when the goalie sent the penalty taker the wrong way .

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A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge he put it on his driveway and put a sign on it "FREE TO A GOOD HOME. If you want it you can take it" Three days later the fridge was still there and nobody had expressed any interest. The man then changed the sign to "Fridge for sale 50£" That night someone stole it, job done!!!!

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This isn't a joke but a story that MIGHT make some people at least  smile .

During my Police service I was a member of the special firearms team , on this team we trained on all sorts of disciplines  including surveillance techniques . Within the police service promotion scheme was what was called a carousal , whereby ex university graduates had spells of a year in all departments to gain a bit of experience in leadership . One of their attachments was the firearms training department . There they would be assistant to the chief inspector in charge of the teams . This particular year was the turn of a high flyer who was full of his own importance , but like me , utterly useless as a police officer . Unlike me he was destined for the top , but I would forever remain one step beneath a police dog in rank .  We trained for much of our time on the Stamford Army training grounds where much of Dads Army was filmed . It's a beautiful  area  almost totally as it was in the late 1930's when the military took it over. It's a naturalists heaven  as regards rare plants and wildlife . Sorry I'm digressing . On this particular occasion  we had in groups of 2 to construct a hide along a path beside a river . We had to be invisible to anyone walking along the path but be able to observe anyone on the path and give a running commentary  of their progress and actions as they walked . My partner Dicky and I were allocated a very difficult position  , and we racked our brains  to find  a way of concealing 2 people . As Older with his knowledge of grass will know , you can't just break and cut vegetation  without leaving any signs .After a very short time it will wilt and show it has been disturbed . We had to be in position by 12 o'clock noon ready to comment on the progress of an instructor and the high flyer as they walked along the path . In desperation I came up with a cunning plan ( where have I heard that before ?) . It was bending the rules slightly but we were desperate . The plan was for Dicky to climb up a nearby tree that was thick with Ivy , hopefully he could settle into a thick crutch in the tree and his  camouflage  clothing would blend in with the ivy . I would be able to construct a hide good enough for me to be unseen but able to commentate as well . We  booked on the radio net as  team one and team one alpha which raised some confusion in the command vehicle  as we were supposed to be one call sign . One snag we had was that neither Dicky or I had a watch  so having got ourselves in position and ready  we did occasional time checks with the command vehicle . The whole exercise was successful , none of the teams were detected and in the de brief we were all commended on our abilities to  find concealment etc. and Dicky and I were praised for our lateral thinking .The high flier  asked how was it that we had an extra call sign I told him( Dicky hadn't got the patience to talk to him )  that as we were at different heights we had different view points so could see different things , flier was a bit bewildered but accepted it . He then asked why we kept doing time checks , didn't we have a watch , all Police officers were expected to wear watches  he said why hadn't we got them .My dim brain suddenly worked  " yes sir we've got watches but the minute hand on mine has fallen off , I knew it was gone 11 o'clock but didn't know by how much . Dicky's watch  has lost it's hour hand so he knew it was 20 past but didn't know 20 past what " The instructors fought manfully not to laugh , but flier just said " oh I see , but I did wonder why you thought it necessary  to interrupt the airwaves " .A humorous reply utterly wasted  on him . He went on to become a Chief Superintendent  and in retirement  gives lectures at Police training departments , whereas I  continued my downward slide in life into retirement by washing out cattle floats , still not wearing a watch .

I won't count  this on our  joke league table Billy , so you're still ahead .

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Uncle Ben has sadly died , no more Mr. Rice guy

I bought the wife a wooden leg for Christmas , it wasn't the main present , just a stocking filler

When I was last in Truro the was this man playing a didgeridoo  , he was playing  Dancing Queen  I thought that's abba rigonal

I gave my cage bird a haircut , now he want's to be in James Bond films , he thinks he's Shawn Canary

I was in a pub  in St. Austell when there was a lizard on the bar standing on his hind legs  telling jokes  I said to the bar man " your lizards funny " He said " that's not a lizard that's a stand up chameleon "

I bought a new woolie  jumper from M&S , I got it home and it was full of static electricity , I took it back and they gave me another one free of charge

2 donkeys were waiting to cross a busy road one said " shall we chance it and just run across ?" , the other said  " not on your nelly , look what happened to the zebra  "

Apologies , these are so bad that when I come down to Cornwall I'll have to cover my face up .

 

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9 hours ago, fenman said:

Uncle Ben has sadly died , no more Mr. Rice guy

I bought the wife a wooden leg for Christmas , it wasn't the main present , just a stocking filler

When I was last in Truro the was this man playing a didgeridoo  , he was playing  Dancing Queen  I thought that's abba rigonal

I gave my cage bird a haircut , now he want's to be in James Bond films , he thinks he's Shawn Canary

I was in a pub  in St. Austell when there was a lizard on the bar standing on his hind legs  telling jokes  I said to the bar man " your lizards funny " He said " that's not a lizard that's a stand up chameleon "

I bought a new woolie  jumper from M&S , I got it home and it was full of static electricity , I took it back and they gave me another one free of charge

2 donkeys were waiting to cross a busy road one said " shall we chance it and just run across ?" , the other said  " not on your nelly , look what happened to the zebra  "

Apologies , these are so bad that when I come down to Cornwall I'll have to cover my face up .

 

You're getting better as time passes fenman - great stuff.

Your previous post regarding ''high fliers'', yes they seemed to fledge during the 1970's. That said, we had some good seniors in the Met, as well as fliers. One or two I remember as being all you'd want in a skipper or Inspector. One or two I met you'd follow anywhere - even to the gates of hell. I'm sure today's police forces have got some to. ( I refuse to call it the ''police service'' they are the police force. Tasked with keeping law and order, catching criminals, fighting crime and protecting life and property. 

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Barcelona football club decided to make the stadium one way . Fans went in at one end and all had to leave at the other . At the end of the game it was absolute chaos . Which goes to prove that you can't put all your Basques in one exit .

Rumour has it that Truro City have been bought by Sheik Anvac  , he's promised to put " the freshness into Truro City .

A message to the scumbag who stole my selfie stick  " you want to take a good look at yourself .

One for Keith B re. comment about  "gates of hell " my definition of " gates of hell " would be being forced to watch a Spice Girls concert "

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During this lockdown the wife's getting fed up and needs a holiday . I bought a map of the world and pinned it up in the kitchen . I said " here's a dart  throw it at the map and wherever it lands we'll go there when this is over " Next year we are  off to the top of the fridge .

 I went to a concert once ( not the Spice Girls ) it was the Bermudan Philarmonic  Orchestra  . Partway through the man on the triangle disappeared .

The Richard the third camping company are having their annual mega sale I thought this must be the winter of discount tents .

 

 

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1 hour ago, fenman said:

During this lockdown the wife's getting fed up and needs a holiday . I bought a map of the world and pinned it up in the kitchen . I said " here's a dart  throw it at the map and wherever it lands we'll go there when this is over " Next year we are  off to the top of the fridge .

 I went to a concert once ( not the Spice Girls ) it was the Bermudan Philarmonic  Orchestra  . Partway through the man on the triangle disappeared .

The Richard the third camping company are having their annual mega sale I thought this must be the winter of discount tents .

 

 

Fenman you are a funny man an though we will probably never meet it has been a puntastic pleasure jocularly jousting with you. Stay safe and sane and keep em coming. Cheers Bill.

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Police are appealing for witnesses after the boardroom at Plymouth F.C.  was burgled  and the contents of their trophy cabinet were stolen . 2 people were seen leaving carrying a green and white carpet .

A lorry load of Vick Vapour Rub has overturned on the dual carriage way at  Bodmin  , Police say that luckily there is no congestion .

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