Jump to content
Cornwall Football Forum

Recommended Posts

A man was driving through the countryside one day, as he passed a nice little cottage there was a sign outside saying 'Talking Dog for Sale' so he pulled into the driveway and knocked on the door. A middle aged man answered.
"I believe you have a talking dog for sale?"
"Yes, come on in, he's just in his basket. Go over and have a word."
So he went over to the dog, an Alsatian, it was about 5 years old.
"How are you, mate?"
"Well not too bad, thank you mate. Thanks for asking" replied the dog. "I'm having a couple of days off, I've had a bit of a traumatic time. You see, I was over in a war zone as a sniffer dog. Bombs going off every day, people shooting at you, rockets whizzing past your head. I've just recently come back after 6 months and I'm just going to lay here in my basket and have some time to myself."
"Well that's only fair. Good on you, enjoy yourself"
So the man goes over to the owner, "How much for your dog then?"
"£5."
"£5? That's cheap for a talking dog!"
"That's dog's a lying so and so, he's never even left Cornwall!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went to France yesterday and as i walked through Roscoff I heard music playing. I son found 4 men dressed as mushrooms belting out all of Queens hits and some album track. They were excellent so i went over and asked them who they were. They replied "We are The Champignons  my friend" !!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mother-in-law is really ugly, face like a bag of nails.

Anyway, she tried one of those mudpacks the other day to improve her looks. You know the kind, green face, cucumber on the eyes.

And it worked a treat for a couple of days then the bloody thing peeled off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Had a weird dream last night , I dreamt that I'd died and was going to heaven  , as I got to the pearly gates Malcolm Allison was in front of me , an angel came to the gate and said " who are you , and why do you think you should come through " Allison said " I'm Malcolm Allison I was a great football manager at Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur " the angel went away and returned 10 minutes later and said we've got no record of any good deeds done by you , can anyone verify your claim ?"  On the other side of the gates was Gary Lineker , Allison said " there's Gary Lineker  he'll vouch for me " the man said " who ?"  Allison said  "him over there eating the packet of crisps " The angel said " oh him , no that's God , he just thinks he's Gary Lineker "

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, cornishteddyboy said:

My mother-in-law is really ugly, face like a bag of nails.

Anyway, she tried one of those mudpacks the other day to improve her looks. You know the kind, green face, cucumber on the eyes.

And it worked a treat for a couple of days then the bloody thing peeled off.

Haha

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not terribly good but ?

A bright young man enrols at a monastery  .They lived on a principle of a months silence every other month and total abstinence and celibacy . After a few months  the  head monk realises the boys potential so gives him  the job of indexing all the archives . During one of the speaking months he asks  him how  he is getting on with the job . The young man says that it is interesting , but queries some of the stories and beliefs  saying that as it is all word of mouth have things been altered in the telling over the centuries . . The head monk sends him on the way with a flea in his ear , but over the next few weeks ponders on the subject . He  finds all the original manuscripts that were written regarding humility  , abstinence and celibacy  and scrutinises them .. He emerges a few weeks later and during the next period of speaking is seen wandering around the cloisters muttering " oh the waste and sacrifice  what have I done " The boy says to him " what is the matter father , why are you so distressed ?"  He replies " the word is celebrate " .  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”

Looking puzzled Paddy says “Why would I be needed two empty feckin’ glasses?”

 

When Billy saw Paddy with one of his shoelaces undone, he said, “watch you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy said, “Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

Billy said, “What instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy replies, “Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two blokes sitting in a bar were slagging off another guy sat on a table with a beautiful girl draped all over him. I don't know how he does it said the first man, quickly followed by his mate who added " He isn't good looking he dresses like a tramp and he is not at all athletic" To which his mate replies " and he hardly says a word to anyone. He just sits there all night licking his eyebrows, weird" !!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...