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A man was driving through the countryside one day, as he passed a nice little cottage there was a sign outside saying 'Talking Dog for Sale' so he pulled into the driveway and knocked on the door. A middle aged man answered.
"I believe you have a talking dog for sale?"
"Yes, come on in, he's just in his basket. Go over and have a word."
So he went over to the dog, an Alsatian, it was about 5 years old.
"How are you, mate?"
"Well not too bad, thank you mate. Thanks for asking" replied the dog. "I'm having a couple of days off, I've had a bit of a traumatic time. You see, I was over in a war zone as a sniffer dog. Bombs going off every day, people shooting at you, rockets whizzing past your head. I've just recently come back after 6 months and I'm just going to lay here in my basket and have some time to myself."
"Well that's only fair. Good on you, enjoy yourself"
So the man goes over to the owner, "How much for your dog then?"
"£5."
"£5? That's cheap for a talking dog!"
"That's dog's a lying so and so, he's never even left Cornwall!"

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I went to France yesterday and as i walked through Roscoff I heard music playing. I son found 4 men dressed as mushrooms belting out all of Queens hits and some album track. They were excellent so i went over and asked them who they were. They replied "We are The Champignons  my friend" !!!

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My mother-in-law is really ugly, face like a bag of nails.

Anyway, she tried one of those mudpacks the other day to improve her looks. You know the kind, green face, cucumber on the eyes.

And it worked a treat for a couple of days then the bloody thing peeled off.

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Had a weird dream last night , I dreamt that I'd died and was going to heaven  , as I got to the pearly gates Malcolm Allison was in front of me , an angel came to the gate and said " who are you , and why do you think you should come through " Allison said " I'm Malcolm Allison I was a great football manager at Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur " the angel went away and returned 10 minutes later and said we've got no record of any good deeds done by you , can anyone verify your claim ?"  On the other side of the gates was Gary Lineker , Allison said " there's Gary Lineker  he'll vouch for me " the man said " who ?"  Allison said  "him over there eating the packet of crisps " The angel said " oh him , no that's God , he just thinks he's Gary Lineker "

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2 hours ago, cornishteddyboy said:

My mother-in-law is really ugly, face like a bag of nails.

Anyway, she tried one of those mudpacks the other day to improve her looks. You know the kind, green face, cucumber on the eyes.

And it worked a treat for a couple of days then the bloody thing peeled off.

Haha

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Not terribly good but ?

A bright young man enrols at a monastery  .They lived on a principle of a months silence every other month and total abstinence and celibacy . After a few months  the  head monk realises the boys potential so gives him  the job of indexing all the archives . During one of the speaking months he asks  him how  he is getting on with the job . The young man says that it is interesting , but queries some of the stories and beliefs  saying that as it is all word of mouth have things been altered in the telling over the centuries . . The head monk sends him on the way with a flea in his ear , but over the next few weeks ponders on the subject . He  finds all the original manuscripts that were written regarding humility  , abstinence and celibacy  and scrutinises them .. He emerges a few weeks later and during the next period of speaking is seen wandering around the cloisters muttering " oh the waste and sacrifice  what have I done " The boy says to him " what is the matter father , why are you so distressed ?"  He replies " the word is celebrate " .  

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The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”

Looking puzzled Paddy says “Why would I be needed two empty feckin’ glasses?”

 

When Billy saw Paddy with one of his shoelaces undone, he said, “watch you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy said, “Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

Billy said, “What instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy replies, “Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”

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Two blokes sitting in a bar were slagging off another guy sat on a table with a beautiful girl draped all over him. I don't know how he does it said the first man, quickly followed by his mate who added " He isn't good looking he dresses like a tramp and he is not at all athletic" To which his mate replies " and he hardly says a word to anyone. He just sits there all night licking his eyebrows, weird" !!!

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An old rag n bone man was working in the East End and knocked on a door. When the lady answered he asked " Ave you got any old beer bottles Love" Indignantly she replies " Do i look like i drink beer" and went to close the door. Quick as a flash the rag n bone man replies " Got any old vinegar bottles then love"

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Not a to post but just a comment . Lovely to see proper jokes that my generation grew up with . It always strikes me as strange that these types of jokes are frowned upon by the modern PC  brigade and yet crude humour is acceptable . It's obviously a generation thing but I don't find any modern  American and very little British  sit coms remotely funny  . I think that the last American comedy I laughed at was probably Police Squad  with Leslie Neilson  or M .A.S.H. . The last British one  possibly Only fools and Horses . I've seen extracts  of the Edinburgh Fringe festival  and odd bits of modern comedy shows and wondered why people laugh . I was listening to our local radio station a few days ago and the female presenter said that she didn't find Tommy Cooper , Benny Hill , Only Fools , Dads Army , Open All Hours etc . at all funny . As Kenny Everit used to says " it's all a matter of taste " or something similar .

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Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.
The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank.
The two Welshmen got together and started a choir.
The two Irishmen got together and started a fight.
The two Englishmen never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced...

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I've just bought an electric all singing all dancing car . I can get from Norwich to St. Austell for £5  now instead of £100 , the only snag is the electric lead is £600 .

2 cannibals were eating a clown one said " does this taste funny to you "?

One Christmas a little girl visits a Christmas Grotto . She sits on Father Christmas's knee and says   " guess  what I've got ?" He said " a doll " she said " no " he said " a Christmas wish list ?" , she said  " no  chickenpox "

I tried eating a Chinese meal with chopsticks , I couldn't manage it but I started 3 fires .

My wife's an awful cook , for 10 years she thought poached eggs were illegal .

This old lady came up to me and said " do you think  you can see me across the road ?" I said  " hang on I'll go across and see "

I went into a hardware shop  I said " do you sell rope ?" , the assistant said " yes how much do you want "? I said " have you got a hundred feet ? " He said " what do you think I am , a centipede ? "

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Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”

“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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22 hours ago, fenman said:

Not a to post but just a comment . Lovely to see proper jokes that my generation grew up with . It always strikes me as strange that these types of jokes are frowned upon by the modern PC  brigade and yet crude humour is acceptable . It's obviously a generation thing but I don't find any modern  American and very little British  sit coms remotely funny  . I think that the last American comedy I laughed at was probably Police Squad  with Leslie Neilson  or M .A.S.H. . The last British one  possibly Only fools and Horses . I've seen extracts  of the Edinburgh Fringe festival  and odd bits of modern comedy shows and wondered why people laugh . I was listening to our local radio station a few days ago and the female presenter said that she didn't find Tommy Cooper , Benny Hill , Only Fools , Dads Army , Open All Hours etc . at all funny . As Kenny Everit used to says " it's all a matter of taste " or something similar .

Spot on again fenman. Tommy Cooper, Dad's Army, Open All Hours great in my opinion. Yes different generation now. Personally I despise smut and lewd jokes. An old and great stand up comedian of the 50's (?) Dickie Henderson said on interview one day, ''If I had to resort to smut and lewdness to get a laugh, I'd quit the stage'. 

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Paddy was towing a horse box on the motorway, when he was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.   What's the hurry said the cop, where are you going in such a hurry ?
I'm taking the horses to the races says Paddy,  but the horsebox is empty said the copper.I know says Paddy,i'm taking the non runners first !

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Slightly risque, but here we go....

During the church service the vicar noticed a young woman sitting in the front row of the congregation wearing a very short skirt.

At the end of the service he spoke to the curate " My good man, was that Fanny Green sitting in the front pew ?" 

The curate replied "No vicar , it was just the way the sunlight shone through the stain glass window !"

I thank you

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A man goes to a Rabbi and asks he he can bury his favorite racing pigeon in his graveyard. The Rabbi is taken aback and says no. The man then asks him do you think The Methodists would let me use their graveyard for 500£ as I would like him buried in sacred ground. To which The Rabbi replied "Ahveh why didn't you tell me he was a Jewish pigeon"!!

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Slightly contentious and not a personal view, but if Jeff can get away with the Vicar joke...........
 

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.

God, always fair, told the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."

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A Canadian Park Ranger is giving some ramblers a talk about the danger of Bears. "Brown Bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with people so we advise you attach some small bells to your clothing and rucksacks and carry some pepper spray. However, Grizzly Bears are extremely dangerous. If you seen any Grizzly Bear droppings you must leave the area immediately". So how do we know if they are Grizzly Bear droppings" asks a rambler. That is easy replies The Ranger " They smell of pepper and have lots of small bells in them"!!!

Joe Davies 11 and his favourite Easter joke.

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit burrow. Hot Cross Bunnies. Happy Easter all stay safe and stay strong.

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A girl from Bodmin took her birth control pill and washed it down with a glass of pond water . She's now 2 months stagnant .

This man went to a posh fancy dress party . He was stark naked and had a _  on one nipple and a + on the other  he wrapped a cable round his neck . The doorman said  " you can't come in like that " the man said " I'm in fancy dress as a battery and a set of jump leads " the doorman examined his  invitation and reluctantly let him in . The man had gone a few yards when the doorman shouted " hoy you , don't you start anything "

 

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Whilst out walking a man noticed Little Joe in a bright red fir engine being pulled slowly by his pet Labrador. On closer inspection the man saw that Joe had tied the rope around the dogs nuts. Excuse me young man he said to Joe "If you tied the rope around your dogs neck you would go much faster" to which Joe replied " Yes but i wouldn't have a siren"!! 

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I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other £5?”

The blonde woman shakes her head.

“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you £500 if I don’t know the answer.”

The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”

“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”

The woman gives him £5 and he laughs.

“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”

The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman £500. She smiled and took his money.

“So what’s the answer?”

She gave him £5.

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8 minutes ago, cornishteddyboy said:

I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other £5?”

The blonde woman shakes her head.

“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you £500 if I don’t know the answer.”

The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”

“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”

The woman gives him £5 and he laughs.

“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”

The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman £500. She smiled and took his money.

“So what’s the answer?”

She gave him £5.

Haha very good. 

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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.  

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.  "What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.  "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

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Posh Spice bought Becks a gold plated thermos flask for him to take to training sessions, explaining it would keep hot things hot and cold things cold. He was dead chuffed and couldn't wait to show it off to his team mates. When they had a break in training and he went to open the flask, Wayne asked him what he had in it; Becks replied " Hot chocolate and an ice lolly".

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This woman said to her husband " I wish my beasts were bigger " he said " you know how to solve that problem , kneel on the floor in front of the settee and push your chest into the cushions and stay like that for a day " She said " are you sure that would work "? he said " well it has for your big behind "

Everyone keeps praising doctors up , they obviously haven't met my doctor , he useless . He's been treating my neighbour for yellow jaundice for 5 years  and hasn't noticed he's Chinese .

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