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A duck walks into a bar and jumps up onto a stool.  The bartender walks over and the duck says 'Toasted sandwich and a pint of beer thanks '.  The bartender stares at him for a while and says 'You're a duck '. The duck replies 'Yeah, nothing wrong with your eyesight '.  The bartender says 'But you can talk, you're a talking duck!'   'Nothing wrong with your ears either ' replies the duck, 'You see that new housing development across the road?, I'll be working over there for a few weeks.  Every day, I will be coming over here for a toasted sandwich and a beer for lunch. Do you have a problem with that? If so I'll go elsewhere.'  The bartender replied 'no no all good.' And got the duck his toasted sandwich and beer.   The next day at lunch time, the duck waddles in, sits at the bar and orders his toasted sandwich and beer.  The bartender is shaking his head in disbelief.  Every day for the next week the duck comes over for his lunch and the bartender still can't believe it. One day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the pub , the bartender sees him and tells him about the talking duck that comes in every day for lunch.  The ringmaster is keen to have him in his circus.  At lunch time the duck waddles in and orders his toasted sandwich and beer. The bartender tells the duck how the circus is in town and the ringmaster said he has a job for  him.   'Circus?'  The duck asks, They're those things that travel all around the place aren't they?'  'Yes, thats right' the bartender replies.  'And these circuses,  they use large tents, don't they?' The duck asks.   'Correct ' says the bartender.  'These tents are made of canvas aren't they? The duck says, looking puzzled.  'That's right' says the bartender.    'Then what the **** would they want with a plasterer?

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1 hour ago, Adlestrop said:

A man and woman were engaged in a vitriolic argument:

Woman: "If I were your wife,I'd put poison in your tea"

Man : "If I were your husband,I'd drink it !"

Wasn't that Winston Churchills joke?  Not sure who he said it to but it was someone famous.  Any ideas?

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Jethro was stopped by the Traffic Police and asked to go around to the back of his car. Your side lights are not working said the Policeman. Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said  the Policeman, but your brake lights are not working. Once again Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, now let's see if you can go around to the front of the car and kick up a tax disc!!  

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