fenman Posted December 15, 2020 Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 My wife thought Will Hire Van Rentals was a Dutch artist . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted December 15, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 I went to school with Slade front man Noddy Holder. He would often snack in class and in the 5th year approaching Christmas he was up to his old tricks. The Teacher spotted him and asked him "Holder what are you eating?" To which he replied "It's CRISPS MISS!!!!!" Dave Deacon and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Pethick Posted December 16, 2020 Report Share Posted December 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Keith B said: I thought that was Kosie Van Tutte ? Played in the same great Dutch team as Snack Van Open. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and baldy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted December 16, 2020 Report Share Posted December 16, 2020 Not a joke but it might amuse some of you . Last year I went to Wembley with my grandson to see his team Liverpool play Manchester City in the Charity Shield . Our seats were right at the top of the stadium , but we had a good view . Before the kick off we were marvelling at the stadium , it's size etc . I said to him " Great view of the pitch up here but we are a long way from the action , look at the players they're so small they look like midgets " He said " well they would do they're the team mascots . " Not a true story this one but tinged with sarcasm . I was watching the Aston Villa , Manchester City game while the mem sahib was hoovering . She knocked the television and Grealish and Sterling both went down appealing for a penalty . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted December 18, 2020 Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines, He is a Singer song writer sew it seams. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and baldy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted December 20, 2020 Report Share Posted December 20, 2020 A man goes for an eye test. The optician asks him what he can see. He says empty airports , empty football stadiums closed theatres and closed pubs. The optician says great you have20/20 vision. Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted December 23, 2020 Report Share Posted December 23, 2020 All of Cornwall has been put in tier 4.Apparently 200 pirates returned home to Penzance. This has caused the Arrrr factor to go right up. Devils@Dusk 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted December 23, 2020 Report Share Posted December 23, 2020 ERMMM!!! But made me smile! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted January 8, 2021 Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 I was bored so I decided to swap all the wrappers round in a tin of Celebrations. My missus did not go much on it, She got her Snickers in a Twix. Devils@Dusk, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Tommy Matthews and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Solomon Posted January 13, 2021 Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 Not so much a joke as a true* story. Many years ago, Falmouth were due to play at home to Truro. The Truro players met at their clubhouse to prepare to travel over. Suddenly one of the players announced that he really didn't fancy bothering with the game, he just wasn't interested, Amazingly a number of players agreed and they decided to forfeit the game. One player wasn't happy with this, a new signing, Stewart Yetton, so he suggested that he go over and take on Falmouth on his own. The rest thought he was stupid, but eventually said, go for it if you want. So he did. The rest of the players stayed in the club and watched Soccer Saturday and waited for the scores to roll in. Nothing. Nothing again. Then, up pops Falmouth 0 Truro 1 (Yetton 44) Gobsmacked the players were glued to the screen. Nothing. Then up pops Falmouth 1 (Smith 90 +7) Truro 1 Almost immediately Yetton walks through the doorway, absolutely distraught. 'Sorry lads, I've let you all down badly today'. The others told him not to be so daft, he'd played Falmouth all on his own, and got a draw. Yetton wouldn't have it, keeping on about how he had let them all down. Eventually someone said 'How have you let us down, and how did you get back so quickly? Yetti replied 'Well I got sent off just after half time.' * well sort of trueish. (Story inspired by Falmouth's most loyal supporter repeatedly telling us on here just how rubbish Falmouth are.) Devils@Dusk 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Apparently when you drink a pint of beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. According to my calculations I died sometime in 1644. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted January 16, 2021 Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 I have the perfect son. He does not smoke. He does not drink. He never comes home late. He is six months old. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Bray Posted January 26, 2021 Report Share Posted January 26, 2021 Did a Scotchman invent the Jockstrap ? TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted January 26, 2021 Report Share Posted January 26, 2021 2 hours ago, David Bray said: Did a Scotchman invent the Jockstrap ? Maybe the jockstrop! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted January 26, 2021 Report Share Posted January 26, 2021 The Bike Jockeys Strap was first manufactured in 1874 as a protector for bicycle messengers in America. The contraction Jockstrap was in regular use by 1891. The Jock Strop is surely a shaving implement, or more likely a particularly aggressive highland fling! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Pethick Posted January 27, 2021 Report Share Posted January 27, 2021 In these uncertain times, I've decided to do some online training in order to improve my skills and knowledge The specific course I did was in making gymnasium crash mats. I figured that it was something to fall back on... TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted January 28, 2021 Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs never had chocolate and looked what happened to them! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted January 31, 2021 Report Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, Keith B said: Keep this going folks - we need a laugh. I cant remember jokes - can't remember what I did just now ! I have forgotten my name sometimes...lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted January 31, 2021 Report Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas said: I have forgotten my name sometimes...lol. I’m sure that lots of people have tried forgetting your name Older, mostly without success, coz you’re so lovable! Brugel the...........Somethingorother TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted January 31, 2021 Report Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Bruegel the Elder said: I’m sure that lots of people have tried forgetting your name Older, mostly without success, coz you’re so lovable! Brugel the...........Somethingorother NEVER been called lovable what'syourname(?) Bruegel the Elder 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted February 1, 2021 Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 This is not a joke but a humorous story , one of many from my Police career . I've only posted it to keep some life in the forum in the absence of football . In the 90's Richard Bransons aunt opened a small woollen garment factory in Norfolk using wool from her flock of rare breed black sheep . It was opened by Princess Anne . I was part of the team who had to search the premises and nearby premises prior to the opening . We had one or two local constables with us whose job it was to guard the premises when we left . One of the officers Ian could best be described , and we've all worked with them , as a bombastic know all . As the saying go's " if you had an elephant , he'd have the box it came in " He's served in the R.A.F. and went on about how he had had to put senior officers right when working with and around helicopters . He was scathing about them and senior Police Officers . He became a bit of a bore by mid morning especially as we'd started at 4.00am and were becoming tired . The sergeant in charge of the dog section turned up in an apparent panic . He said that there had been a bit of a **** up , Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but they had no one trained in helicopter landing site procedures to sort out the landing site . Someone suggested Ian as he'd said that he had worked with helicopters in the R.A.F. . The sergeant explained what he wanted and Ian sort of responded that he knew about the procedure .From his manner you could tell he was struggling but couldn't lose face . Off they went in the dog van to the sounds of a barking dog . The sergeant in charge of our team said " thank God for that he was driving me crazy " . A while later the dog sergeant returned smiling and said " you lad's owe me a pint now " . He'd taken Ian to a grass field in the middle of nowhere and told him that it was the emergency landing site and had to be guarded by someone experienced in helicopters and left him there . Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but landing at Norwich Airport 15 miles away and would be arriving at our venue by car and there was no emergency landing site . Ian never mentioned being had over , if he even sussed it out , and still carried on in the same way. Sorry to bore you all . Weather dry but cold up here Older , but the fields are still under water . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Tommy Matthews and Bruegel the Elder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 1, 2021 Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 Nicks are not the sole preserve of the local constabularies, the NHS has its fair share, as does local government (considerably more than its fair share) and even the United States Presidency managed to have one until recently! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted February 1, 2021 Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 2 hours ago, fenman said: This is not a joke but a humorous story , one of many from my Police career . I've only posted it to keep some life in the forum in the absence of football . In the 90's Richard Bransons aunt opened a small woollen garment factory in Norfolk using wool from her flock of rare breed black sheep . It was opened by Princess Anne . I was part of the team who had to search the premises and nearby premises prior to the opening . We had one or two local constables with us whose job it was to guard the premises when we left . One of the officers Ian could best be described , and we've all worked with them , as a bombastic know all . As the saying go's " if you had an elephant , he'd have the box it came in " He's served in the R.A.F. and went on about how he had had to put senior officers right when working with and around helicopters . He was scathing about them and senior Police Officers . He became a bit of a bore by mid morning especially as we'd started at 4.00am and were becoming tired . The sergeant in charge of the dog section turned up in an apparent panic . He said that there had been a bit of a **** up , Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but they had no one trained in helicopter landing site procedures to sort out the landing site . Someone suggested Ian as he'd said that he had worked with helicopters in the R.A.F. . The sergeant explained what he wanted and Ian sort of responded that he knew about the procedure .From his manner you could tell he was struggling but couldn't lose face . Off they went in the dog van to the sounds of a barking dog . The sergeant in charge of our team said " thank God for that he was driving me crazy " . A while later the dog sergeant returned smiling and said " you lad's owe me a pint now " . He'd taken Ian to a grass field in the middle of nowhere and told him that it was the emergency landing site and had to be guarded by someone experienced in helicopters and left him there . Princess Ann was arriving by helicopter but landing at Norwich Airport 15 miles away and would be arriving at our venue by car and there was no emergency landing site . Ian never mentioned being had over , if he even sussed it out , and still carried on in the same way. Sorry to bore you all . Weather dry but cold up here Older , but the fields are still under water . Loved that buddy...not cold here but biblical rain nearly everyday! Wouldn't surprise me to go up the club one morning and see Noah tied up loading animals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted February 4, 2021 Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 I stepped on a cornflake. I am now classed as a cereal killer. Devils@Dusk and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted February 4, 2021 Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 A bloke takes his missus to the pub, he notices a fella keeps looking over, so he walks over to speak to him. "Aright mate" he says. "Yeah...fine" he replies. "Can I ask you a couple of questions" he says - "ok" the man says. "Do you like women who when they take their bra's off their boobs hit their knee's" "No" he says. "Do you like women with a glass eye" "NO" he says. "Do you like women with varicose veins and cellulite " "Bloody hell...no way" he replies. So the husband says - "well stop looking at my bloody wife then". Devils@Dusk 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 5, 2021 Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 He wouldn’t have far to come. He’s a Channel Island boy, I’m sure I read somewhere about Noah, sark. Related to Russell Crowe too it seems (if you’ve read the book, see the film!) 🎥⛴🦒🦒🐘🐘🦘🦘🦏🦏🦓🦓🐅🐅🦕🦕‼️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted February 5, 2021 Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 11 minutes ago, Bruegel the Elder said: He wouldn’t have far to come. He’s a Channel Island boy, I’m sure I read somewhere about Noah, sark. Related to Russell Crowe too it seems (if you’ve read the book, see the film!) 🎥⛴🦒🦒🐘🐘🦘🦘🦏🦏🦓🦓🐅🐅🦕🦕‼️ You've had one of them malts again Breugel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Q) What do you call a footballer who brings a length of rope onto the pitch? A) The skipper! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 Q) Why was the best footballer in the world told to tidy his bedroom? A) Because he was Messi! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 11, 2021 Report Share Posted February 11, 2021 Q) What does a Fulham fan do after winning the Premiership? A) Turn off his X-box! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted February 11, 2021 Report Share Posted February 11, 2021 I went to the Norwich Hospital today , in the car park was a notice , it said " thieves operate here " . I know they're short of surgeons but that's silly I know I'm getting old now , I went to antique auction and people started bidding on me . Some friends of mine held a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year party . They called it the " Chinese Burns Night " I didn't want to go but they twisted my arm . Billy Davies, Bruegel the Elder and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted February 11, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2021 I went out with a blind girl once and on our first night in bed she said "You have an amazingly large penis" I said "You're pulling my leg"!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Devils@Dusk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted February 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2021 I have caught The new "Peak a Boo" Virus. They have put me in ICU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, Devils@Dusk and Tom Blewett 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Blewett Posted February 13, 2021 Report Share Posted February 13, 2021 The founder of Dulex paint was found frozen to death up the top of a mountain A police spokesman said ‘he could have done with another coat’ Devils@Dusk, Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Collings Posted February 14, 2021 Report Share Posted February 14, 2021 My bank won't let me use 'beefstew' as a password - they say it isn't stroganof ! apologies if its a repeat. Devils@Dusk, Bruegel the Elder, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted February 16, 2021 Report Share Posted February 16, 2021 i had to turn down the offer of a job in a company that makes mirrors , I just couldn't see myself doing it . In line with their new rules on handball and offside F.I.F.A. have announced that all Champions League and Europa Cup games will be one legged and played on a neutral ground , no replay and away goals count double . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Ian Pethick 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted February 17, 2021 Report Share Posted February 17, 2021 I have lost two stone during lockdown by putting bread on my head. its a loaf hat diet. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Bruegel the Elder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 17, 2021 Report Share Posted February 17, 2021 Q) What do you someone who stands between the goalposts and stops the ball from running away? A) Annette! Q)Why was the chicken sent off? A) For persistent foul play! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted February 17, 2021 Report Share Posted February 17, 2021 There has been a huge explosion at a French cheese factory. There is nothing left but de brie. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Ian Pethick 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted February 17, 2021 Report Share Posted February 17, 2021 Bruegel the Elder 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted February 18, 2021 Report Share Posted February 18, 2021 56 minutes ago, Keith B said: Ha ha great one older - did you see that somewhere or did you make it up ? I chuckle every time I look at it. My missus found that one...made me laugh out loud...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 18, 2021 Report Share Posted February 18, 2021 My son plays for a teem called the Musketeers, they started the season quite well with three wins and a draw; all 4-1 and one 4 all! Devils@Dusk, Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 19, 2021 Report Share Posted February 19, 2021 My mate went to take his seat at the World Cup final when he noticed that there was an empty seat between him and the next man along. “Who on earth would miss a World Cup final” my mate asked. The old chap replied “My wife and I have been to each of the last five World Cup finals, but sadly she passed away”. “Oh, I’m sorry” said my mate “ but couldn’t you get one of your other friends or family to come with you?”. “No”, he said, “they’re all at the funeral!”. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted February 20, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2021 My parents used to make me walk the plank every day when i was a kid. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Bruegel the Elder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 20, 2021 Report Share Posted February 20, 2021 Q) Have you heard about the new Everton Brassiere? A) It has plenty of support but no cups! ⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️ Q) What do you call a boat full of honest footballers? A) A good sportsmanship! Boom Boom! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 23, 2021 Report Share Posted February 23, 2021 Up in the far beyond, God and the Devil were having yet another dispute. “Let us settle it with a football match” said Satan. “You’re on”, said the all-mighty, “but why? Up in heaven we have all the very best players!” “Aha”, replied the evil one “but we have all the referees!” TheolderIgetthebetterIwas, bighairydave and Tommy Matthews 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 24, 2021 Report Share Posted February 24, 2021 Keith, I am sorry if I offended you or indeed anybody else. I specifically didn’t mention which God I was referring to, although from the context it would certainly be monoatheistic which could still cover a number of world religions. Either way, if there is a god, and I’m still on the fence on that one, I would certainly hope that he/she has a sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 24, 2021 Report Share Posted February 24, 2021 While the England football team were visiting Brazil for the World Cup they went to visit a local orphanage. ”It was heart-breaking seeing their sad little faces with no hope” said João, aged 6! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Pethick Posted February 25, 2021 Report Share Posted February 25, 2021 Who doesn't love a non sensical piece of football punditry and comments? Here's a few corkers. "I will be writing to the relevant authorities to complain, but I'm wasting my breath."Joe Royle “Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I’m not going to single him out.”Alex Ferguson "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen"Terry Venables "I don't want to compare Bowditch to Matt Le Tissier, but the way he scored his goal was similar to Matt."Joe Royle "Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs."Ron Atkinson "If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."Terry Venables "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."Ron Atkinson, breaking the habit of a lifetime! "You're on your own out there with ten mates."Michael Owen "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."Stuart Pearce "I'm sure Spurs will get another opportunity, hopefully before the final whistle.Steve Claridge "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley - unless somebody knocks us out."Dave Bassett"All the cul-de-sacs are closed for Scotland."Joe Jordan "You can see the relief on Falcao's shoulders."Michael Gray "There was nothing wrong with the performance, apart from throwing away the game."Glenn Hoddle "Owen scores and breaks Lineker's competitive scoring record. Although this being a friendly it doesn't actual count, so he hasn't quite done it yet."John Motson Bruegel the Elder and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted February 25, 2021 Report Share Posted February 25, 2021 Q). How do footballers keep their cool during a match? A) They stand near the fans! Boom boom!🦊 TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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