Billy Davies Posted July 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2020 1 hour ago, JonColenzo said: Just for you Billy Davies, kept me smiling throughout, well done mate 👏🏻 JC I hope you are well matey and hopefully we can catch up soon, keep smiling. JonColenzo 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 15, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2020 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted July 15, 2020 Report Share Posted July 15, 2020 I have just seen a one legged man at a cash machine. Apparently he was checking his balance. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruegel the Elder Posted July 15, 2020 Report Share Posted July 15, 2020 Is it me or is the quality of the humour diminishing over time? Certainly a few cringeworthy ones turning up now!😂➡️😢➡️🤮❗️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted July 15, 2020 Report Share Posted July 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Bruegel the Elder said: Is it me or is the quality of the humour diminishing over time? Certainly a few cringeworthy ones turning up now!😂➡️😢➡️🤮❗️ Must be scouring the internet for them now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2020 The Police have reported the theft of a shipment of filing cabinets, document folders and labelling machines. It is believed to have been the work of organised crime!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 A lonely frog goes to a fortune teller. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you" Says the fortune teller. The frog is thrilled and asks. " Where will I meet her? Will it be at a party?" "No" Replies the fortune teller. " In a Biology class"!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 18, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2020 When I was 10 my dad told me not to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2020 A Priest visits a man who is grieving over the death of his father. " I am so sorry to hear of your loss" Says the priest " Did you manage to take your father to Lourdes as I suggested?" " Yes we did but we had only been there a short while when he passed away" " Was it his heart?" Asked the priest. " No Father" Replied the man. "He got hit on the head by a cricket ball"!!!! Dave Deacon and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2020 My mate David lost his ID. Now we all call him Dav!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2020 Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they Lactose!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted July 21, 2020 Report Share Posted July 21, 2020 I bought a dog from our village blacksmith. I only had it an hour and it made a bolt for the door. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2020 I phoned the local Ramblers Club today and the bloke that answered just went on and on and on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 23, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2020 I was on a train today when I read a sign next to me which said "Please give your seat to an elderly person" So I unscrewed it and took it home to my Grandad!!!! Dave Deacon 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2020 The majority of The Saudi Arabian Para Olympics Team were once thieves!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted July 25, 2020 Report Share Posted July 25, 2020 I just saw a real idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the pringle s holder on the treadmill. Billy Davies 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2020 When I was young my older Brother told me " That if you do something you like you will never work a day in your life" He did Heroin!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2020 I sat next to an insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert last night and through it all he offered me protection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 27, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2020 A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks directions to the toilet. The barmen tells him where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in, orders a drink and asks directions to the toilet. Again the barmen tells him and he rushes to the toilet to relieve himself. A third little pig then arrives and orders a drink." I suppose you want the toilet too?" Asks the barmen. "No" says the pig. "I am the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home"!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2020 Whose idea was it to put a " S " in the word LISP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2020 My grief counsellor died yesterday but he did such a good job I don't care!!!!!!!!!!! TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted July 29, 2020 Report Share Posted July 29, 2020 I overdosed on viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2020 Why is it so hard to remember the correct spelling of the word "Mnemonic"!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted July 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2020 August tomorrow so this is going to be my final joke after bloody months of trying to make people smile. The famous seventies group 10cc have gone on a vacation tour of Scottish Lakes in the hope that they will come up with some fresh ideas. This suprised me because i thought they would Dread Loch Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry and Adios amigos. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Deacon Posted July 31, 2020 Report Share Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Billy Davies said: August tomorrow so this is going to be my final joke after bloody months of trying to make people smile. The famous seventies group 10cc have gone on a vacation tour of Scottish Lakes in the hope that they will come up with some fresh ideas. This suprised me because i thought they would Dread Loch Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry and Adios amigos. Thanks Billy for your devoted work on here over the past few months. Much appreciated and well done for sticking to it! 👍😀 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted August 1, 2020 Report Share Posted August 1, 2020 Been brilliant Billy. Made me laugh out loud many times...winced on a few! But brilliant and a big well done from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted August 2, 2020 Report Share Posted August 2, 2020 My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock. Bad Minton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted August 4, 2020 Report Share Posted August 4, 2020 Before crowbars were invented crows used to drink at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted August 5, 2020 Report Share Posted August 5, 2020 Sunday is a sad day but the day before is a sadder day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted August 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2020 I was queueing at the post office today and Bleeding Diana Ross bursts in and pushes through the queue. I stopped her and said "You can't hurry Love, you'll just have to wait"!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panda Posted August 6, 2020 Report Share Posted August 6, 2020 I want to post a walkie talkie joke but ineed to think it, over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 10, 2020 Report Share Posted November 10, 2020 Apparently 5/4 ths of the population don't understand fractions I visited a monastery and in the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes , I said " are you the friar ?" he said " no I'm the chip monk " Our local vicar hasn't been seen for a week . The Police are treating it as a missing parson . I've deleted all my German contacts from my phone . I've gone Hans free . My sister in law has passed her driving test at the 20th attempt . Brother in law said he would buy her a celebration present . She said she wanted something cheap to run about in , so he went to Aldi's are bought her a pair of trainers . Sorry not quite finished My wife isn't very pleased with me , I bought her a can of lorry oil for her birthday , my mistake apparently it's called " L' Oreal " I swapped 100 Raisins for 50 sultanas , I hope it was a bargain but I don't understand the currency exchange rate properly My neighbour annoys me , she plays Lionel Ritchie over and over again , I wouldn't mind but its all night long . Pathetic really but Billy Davies will respond with better ones . Billy Davies and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 13, 2020 Report Share Posted November 13, 2020 No response from Billy Davies so the second rate jokes continue A man was sitting in a hospital maternity unit when he heard 2 surgeons talking , one said " I am telling you it's spelt whoom " the other said " no , no it's spelt wooom " they continued arguing . The man couldn't stand it any longer he said " excuse me butting in but you're both wrong , it's spelt womb " one of the surgeons replied " How do you know ? have you ever heard a water buffalo fart under water ?" This magician had a show in Padstow , one of his tricks was sawing people in half . At the end of the show he was chatting to members of the audience , one of them asked " have you any siblings?" , he replied " yes I've got a half brother and a half sister " . I won a fancy dress competition last year , I went as a spreadsheet , I really excelled myself . I bought some fly spray from Asda last week , I said to the sales assistant " is it good for wasps ?" . She said " no it kills them ." My brother in law had a nasty accident with a vacuum cleaner and had to go to hospital . His wife rang to see how he was and the nurse said he was alright and picking up nicely . My wife argued with me that an onion is the only vegetable to make you cry , I smacked her on the nose with a parsnip , that made her eyes water . I've got to finish now because I'm playing chess with a friend in Prague , he's my check mate . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted November 13, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2020 Fenman, I went to the Doctors again today and he told me I am a hypochondriac. That hurt!!! People have been moaning about Christmas Presents being out too early in supermarkets but my Birthday is in December and they had Birthday Cakes in Asda in March!!! Bruegel the Elder and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Solomon Posted November 13, 2020 Report Share Posted November 13, 2020 I went to Blackpool last week. NEVER AGAIN!!! I was walking along the prom, and in the distance I could see a large group of people. As I got closer I could see a couple in the middle. They were screaming and shouting at each other at full volume, much to the amusement of the crowd. Then it started to turn nasty, and the couple started hitting each other, fists at first, then from somewhere the woman found a frying pan, and started clouting the man with it around the head and body. I guess that someone called the police, as a copper arrived and tried to stop the couple from fighting. Amazingly it worked, but instead of calming down, they started to attack the copper, hitting him with fists and the frying pan! The crowd were loving it, especially the kids. Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile appeared and stole ALL of the sausages. (That's the way to do it) iand, TheolderIgetthebetterIwas and Bruegel the Elder 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 14, 2020 Report Share Posted November 14, 2020 A man is in hospital and quite ill , he has to be fed via a tube up his rectum . He fancies a cup of tea , so the nurse puts a funnel on the end of the tube a begins to pour the tea in . The man lets out a loud scream , the nurse says " I'm sorry is it too hot ?" he says " no , there's no sugar " . morning older , we are now getting your rain up here this morning . I did drift past Penryn's ground in March when I was down in Cornwall , but it was raining hard , so I thought it would be too wet for the groundsman to make a cup of tea. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted November 14, 2020 Report Share Posted November 14, 2020 3 hours ago, fenman said: A man is in hospital and quite ill , he has to be fed via a tube up his rectum . He fancies a cup of tea , so the nurse puts a funnel on the end of the tube a begins to pour the tea in . The man lets out a loud scream , the nurse says " I'm sorry is it too hot ?" he says " no , there's no sugar " . morning older , we are now getting your rain up here this morning . I did drift past Penryn's ground in March when I was down in Cornwall , but it was raining hard , so I thought it would be too wet for the groundsman to make a cup of tea. Haha Fenman, too wet for a cup of tea! Never. I'm a 15 cups a day man...another one is not a problem...lol Should have popped in buddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 15, 2020 Report Share Posted November 15, 2020 England play Iceland this week , followed by Tesco on Sunday and Asda the following week A pound coin was thrown on the pitch during a recent Truro City home match . Police are unsure whether it is a case of hooliganism or a possible takeover bid . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted November 15, 2020 Report Share Posted November 15, 2020 43 minutes ago, fenman said: England play Iceland this week , followed by Tesco on Sunday and Asda the following week A pound coin was thrown on the pitch during a recent Truro City home match . Police are unsure whether it is a case of hooliganism or a possible takeover bid . Laughed out loud on those two...lmao! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 15, 2020 Report Share Posted November 15, 2020 They tell me that a cure for sea sickness is to stand under a tree During the World Cup in Brazil the England footballers visited a children's home ." It was pitiful to see their faces , away from their homes and no hope for the future " said Jao Santos aged 6 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time . Which is just about right for the American Presidential election . There's worse to follow 3 men on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with . Their solution , throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter . I went to a Plymouth home game with my grandson . We got to the turnstile and the operator asked for my ticket . I searched through all my pockets and my man bag but couldn't find it and people became agitated with the hold up . I suddenly said " I've got it , it's in my mouth " .As we walked in my grandson said " you're getting senile grandad fancy forgetting that your ticket was in your mouth " I said " I'm not quite that daft yet , I was chewing last weeks date off the ticket " My apologies for these pathetic jokes but the wind and rain have kept me indoors today . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 17, 2020 Report Share Posted November 17, 2020 A man is in need of a brain transplant . The consulate told him that replacements are very rare . A barristers is £600 , a surgeons is £1200 and a premiership players is £8000 . The patient said " they are all quite expensive but tell me why is the footballers brain so much dearer ?" " It's because it's not had much use " replied the consultant . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Davies Posted November 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2020 Fenman, I went to the Doctors again today and he told me I am a hypochondriac. That hurt!!! People have been moaning about Christmas Presents being out too early in supermarkets but my Birthday is in December and they had Birthday Cakes in Asda in March!!! I accidentally swallowed a pot of invisible ink this morning. I am now in hospital waiting to be seen!!! Dave Deacon and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Everything is a bit of a blur this morning . I played Russian Vodka roulette last night , 6 of you drink a bottle of Russian Vodka each then someone leaves the room then the others have to guess who it was . I hope we don't have the same doctor Billy , mine is hopeless . He's been treating a man for yellow jaundice for 5 years , and not noticed he's a chinaman . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 2 reasons to post on here 1 it's raining up here so I can't get on the allotment 2 I can't get down to Cornwall again this year so I'll punish you by inflicting awful jokes My brother in law works at Norwich Airport , he's just been prosecuted for stealing luggage off of the carousel . He pleaded guilty and asked for 30 other cases to be taken into considerations . The Army have invented a new missile , it's called" the civil servant " it's doesn't work and can't be fired . I just checked the lottery , I rushed downstairs and said to the wife " guess what ? I've won 6 million pounds on the lottery , start packing your bags " She said " what sort of clothes warm weather or cold ?" I said " whatever you like as long as your'e out of my house by 7 tonight " A handsome young priest and a young nun are travelling together to a conference , their car breaks down . They managed to get to a Premier Inn but there's only one room with one bed available . The nun says " well we could share , surely the Almighty would agree under the circumstances " So they get into bed , after a while the nun who quite fancies the priest , says " father I'm cold " so the priest gets out of bed and finds another blanket for her . After a while she say's " father I need another pillow " so he gets out of bed and gets her a pillow . After a while she says " father I'm still very cold , couldn't we pretend that we are married just for tonight , I'm sure the Almighty would allow it just for tonight " The priest said " what a good idea , get out a get your own bloody blanket " I was in the bank yesterday , we were greeted at the door by a member of staff who was monitoring the number of people going in the bank . She said to my wife " can I help you ?" the wife said " yes I need to check my balance " so the woman pushed her over . Ah the suns coming out . TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Some of them aren't bad Fenman...lovely sunny day down here and managed to cut the pitch at last with no moisture on it. Down to 40% humidity and that's the lowest it's been for 10 odd weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 Sorry about this one , it's one I thought up today. Our Chinese restraunt is open for 24hours now . Every time I go in they have the same record playing , it's " Wok awound the clock " by Bill Halley We had the decorators in this week , one of them is a furloughed airline pilot , he made a terrific job of the landing . I went to the doctors I said " I've got a pain in my left foot " , he said " nothing to worry about , it's just old age " . I said " how come my right foot doesn't hurt , it's the same age ?". My grandson wants a train set for Christmas , I can't get one anywhere so I've got him a replacement bus service . Mary and Joseph wanted to have a conference call with the 3 wise men , they couldn't because there was no Zoom at the inn . I'm sorry but Billy Davis has retired so I'm his stand in . A final one , this is another of my own pathetic ones . If when Brexit is sorted and no Dutch people are allowed to work here , how will we do online shopping , because there will be a shortage of Van Drivers . Dave Deacon and TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 11 minutes ago, fenman said: Sorry about this one , it's one I thought up today. Our Chinese restraunt is open for 24hours now . Every time I go in they have the same record playing , it's " Wok awound the clock " by Bill Halley We had the decorators in this week , one of them is a furloughed airline pilot , he made a terrific job of the landing . I went to the doctors I said " I've got a pain in my left foot " , he said " nothing to worry about , it's just old age " . I said " how come my right foot doesn't hurt , it's the same age ?". My grandson wants a train set for Christmas , I can't get one anywhere so I've got him a replacement bus service . Mary and Joseph wanted to have a conference call with the 3 wise men , they couldn't because there was no Zoom at the inn . I'm sorry but Billy Davis has retired so I'm his stand in . A final one , this is another of my own pathetic ones . If when Brexit is sorted and no Dutch people are allowed to work here , how will we do online shopping , because there will be a shortage of Van Drivers . Something wrong there Fenman...I laughed at every one...must get out more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenman Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 I told the last one to my gran daughter in St. Austell 3 times and she still doesn't get it She's 27 and has a responsible job with Asda so I thought she might have got it .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheolderIgetthebetterIwas Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 11 minutes ago, fenman said: I told the last one to my gran daughter in St. Austell 3 times and she still doesn't get it She's 27 and has a responsible job with Asda so I thought she might have got it .. She might understand it written showing Van with a capital V. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldy Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 I always thought Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch midfielder. TheolderIgetthebetterIwas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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