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Penzance 0 Foxhole 2

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Penzance 0 Foxhole 2

Saturday 29th December 2007

It had been an eventful morning. I had received fifteen emails informing me of various ways to enlarge my penis (worryingly, three of them were from my mum). Then my irate girlfriend rang, still complaining that apparently tampons were not a "proper" Christmas present. I really hadn't known what to give her, but I knew I couldn't repeat last year's gift of a giant box of chocolates. Let's face it, she had not long been out of hospital after nearly dying in that bungee accident when she had lied about her weight. Our conversation inevitably became heated, and I immediately regretted mentioning her string of failed relationships.

"At least I've not got any skeletons in MY cupboard" I said, somewhat inadvisedly.

She was screaming by now. "No!" she shrieked, "only a black latex gimp suit!"

I was still wondering how she'd discovered that (I thought I'd hidden it well) as I searched for the video of an edition of Who Do You Think You Are? that I had taped. I thought it would be an interesting programme as it was about Prince Harry, but before I could start watching it, the doorbell rang. My heart sank when I made out the unmistakeable figures of Uncle Peter and Aunt Edith through the window.

Their visit followed the usual embarrassing pattern. His firmly held opinions are ludicrously outdated, the chip on his shoulder growing visibly by the day - he's never forgiven the Germans for how they treated him during the war (evidently the Gestapo passed him up for promotion several times). She was her typical timid self, but nevertheless able to noisily break wind each time she got up to "pop to the loo, dear", which was quite often. She did perk up, however, when I hinted at my impending trip to Penzance, and she eagerly told me that she had grown up there. I wondered aloud what it had been like : Uncle Peter said without irony that if I wanted to know what Penzance was like in the thirties, I just had to go there now.

By the time I finally got rid of them, I was running late and didn't have time for dinner. I thought I'd get a meal on the way so I pulled into a layby behind a mobile chip van somewhere west of Hayle, before realising that I'd forgotten my wallet in the rush. I explained my predicament to the fryer, who kindly offered to lend me a tenner. I asked him his contact details to enable me to pay him back by post.

"My name is David Copperfield Smith", he told me.

"Your mum must have really liked Dickens", I remarked.

"Not really", he replied, "I was an only child".

In heavy and windy conditions, Foxhole deservedly claimed the points against a lacklustre home team. Debutant Rickard should have scored with his first touch after being released by strike partner Griffin, but his control was uncharacteristically poor, and the Foxes continued to threaten to expose the amazingly ponderous home rearguard, albeit without really testing Nicholls. Penzance's sole opening of the first half fell to the gloved Cox, but his close range effort was scrambled from the line by Warne. In truth, very little happened until stoppage time: first Griffin's shot on the turn was beaten away, then Holsey talked his way into the book before a rare flowing move culminated in the keeper again denying the lively Griffin only for Panter to calmly slot home the rebound.

Although the Magpies enjoyed most of the midfield possession, the impressive Rowe and Morris in particular ensured Holland was seldom called into action, although he was relieved to watch a Bennett header from a Pugliese corner fly over, and Burt scuff a shot past the upright. Nevertheless, a second Foxhole goal was required to calm the visiting nerves and, shortly after Griffin had flicked narrowly wide, Warne's 25-yard free kick sailed past Nicholls on 72. Bromley almost added a third with a speculative lob before Griffin wasted yet another opportunity from Warne's exquisite cross.

Late on, Cox and Reynolds may have snatched a unmerited consolation, but by then the game had become entertainingly feisty. Referee Lugg had already cautioned Dillon for dissent and Liam Devine for fouling Rickard, before Bennett was fortunate to escape red for a crude lunge on Bromley, whose comparatively mild act of retribution seconds later laughably earned him the same punishment.

Foxhole (3-5-2): Ryan Holland 7; Colin Morris 7, Mark Rowe 8, Richard Fairclough 6; Jason Warne 7, Martin Giles 6 (sub. Kyle Friendship 5), Steve Panter 6 (sub. Adam Holland 5), Adam Bromley 6, Jeff Dillon 6; Carl Rickard 6 (sub. Liam Nicholls 6), Richard Griffin 7.

Penzance (4-4-2): Craig Nicholls; James Greet, Jamie Devine, Darren Holsey, Liam Devine (sub. Dan Stidwell); Stuart Reynolds, Nick Pugliese, Liam Bennett, Steve Burt; Paul Cox, Steve Hancock.

Referee: Mr Ben Lugg (Cury) 6.

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Guest Cornish Football Fan

Not a good christmas period for the PZ boys then. I saw the PZ squad on a night out 5 or 6 weeks ago was surprised to see the Hawke brothers from Helston out with them, heard a rumour today the younger 1 of the 2 Steven Hawke is on his way to Penzance, any truth in this or is it another rumour?? I believe hes a winger.

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Guest Dermot

Nice one Darin,Happy New Year to you and all the gang at Foxhole,keep your reports coming they certainly make me smile,and the tip is to read them early before they get edited. ;0/ :drink:

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