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A quick chuckle for the weekend


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England manager Steve Maclaren told David Beckham that he was thinking about playing him in the next england friendly but may pull him off at half time.

"Fantastic" said David I usually only get an orange!

Steve McLaren was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks in north london. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net. Martin Jol is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man.

"How old are you son?" asks Jol

"13" Replies the young fellow.

"Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues the bald

headed manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Spurs 1st team"

"F*ck off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"

Q. Why should you never run over a Liverpool supporter when they are on a bike?

A. It's probably your bike.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

Paul Robinson is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Wembley and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.

Alex Ferguson was caught speeding on his way to Old Trafford today.

"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

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Guest Peppermint

Excellent John! Beware yare not supposed to have a sense of humpur on the Forum. Ask Darin Morse and I see they have even closed the set of postings re his superb piece about Porthleven and Foxhole. How petty and narrow minded can you get!!!

Talking about sub sections perhaps there should be one for all those who have a sense of humour. Well that is probably me banned from the Forum!

Good luck today John.

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No match today?

A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

Struck by lightning

There is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.

'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.

'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?'

'Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?'

Taking the daughter to a match

A father took his daughter to watch her first football match, it was rather dull, and the little girl spoke up, "Do United ever score Dad?"

"How should I know", he replied, "I've only been coming here for five years"

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Guest crosser

Excellent John! Beware yare not supposed to have a sense of humpur on the Forum. Ask Darin Morse and I see they have even closed the set of postings re his superb piece about Porthleven and Foxhole. How petty and narrow minded can you get!!!

could'nt agree more, why was that topic closed????

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Guest Peppermint

Yes Crosser - no information re why the topic was closed. Censorship gone mad.

I wonder if Darin will be putting one of his excellent and entertaining reports about Foxhole's game yesterday or will he not bother because of the petty censorship on the Forum!

If Darin is not going to post anymore reports it is a very sad day for the Forum and the killjoys with no sense of humour have won. After all the report was complete tongue in cheek and I am sure no offence was meant.

Let's hope that we get more of Darin's reports and please for goodness sake lighten up!

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Guest crackmeup

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year"

The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

*

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

*

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?"

"Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan,so I'm a Chelsea fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

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Guest el nino

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year"

The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

That is the best joke on here! HAHA :clapper:

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Guest el nino

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-

"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?

A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?

A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.

:yahoo:

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Bloke goes to the doctors & says "I have a problem Doc, after I masturbate I start to sing 'You'll never walk alone'". The doctor says "don't worry, a lot of w#####s sing that"

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Guest Johnno

good job these jokes,which crack me up,are not about porthleven or else they would be taken of as being abusive and showing lack of respect. :glare:

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Guest Peppermint

Great comment Johnno - oops I am in trouble now. They are a sensitive lot at Port and after the Wendron result they will be doubly sensitive!

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i dont have a joke but if we are having a pop at the scousers i have to join in

a couple of songs from the stretford end

park, park where ever you may be

you eat dogs in your home country

but it could be worse

you could be scouse

eating rats in your council house!

......................................................................

you are a scouser, an ugly scouser

your only happy on giro day

your mums out theiving

your dads drug dealing

please dont take my hubcaps away

:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo::yahoo: :yahoo:

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I'm bored so thought i'd give this joke thing a go :P

A man and his wife went to the ticket office at Plymouth football ground and, handing over a £20 note, said "Two, please."

"Thank you," said the man at the ticket office. "Would you like the goalkeeper and the centre forward, or are there two other players you'd like to buy instead?"

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Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

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Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck in sand?

A. More sand.

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Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?

A. They're both useless in Europe.

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Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

A. The Man U bus has more pricks!

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Ron and Terry were chatting about football in the pub after work.

"Are you going to the Arsenal v Spurs match on Saturday?" asked Ron.

"No," replied Terry. "My wife won't let me."

"It's easy to get out of that," said Ron. "About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want."

"OK, I'll try that," said Terry.

The following Monday, the two men meet up again in the pub.

"How come you didn't make it to the game," asked Ron.

"Well," said Terry, "I'll tell you what happened. About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, Spurs haven't been playing that well recently."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Now i'm gonna sit back and wait for the Arsenal jokes :clapper:

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Guest Dermot

Arsenal fan lying in bed with his missus,and next doors dog has been yapping in the back yard for about 3 hours,he tells his missus i `ll sort the bloody thing out!

10 minutes later he comes back to bed,she says "have you sorted it? he replies " yup,i`ve put the bloody dog in our back yard,so see how they like it!!! ;0) :drink:

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This made me laugh, i must be one of the few women that hates shopping :thumbsup:

The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

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Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal ??

It saves time.

Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet ??

So they know which end to wipe.

Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??

Opposites attract.

What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??

A burglar.

What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job ??

"can I have a Big Mac!"

What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit ??

The accused.

Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?

The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.

Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??

His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.

What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain ??

Gifted.

How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die ??

Alone.

How do you make an Arsenal fan's eyes light up ??

Shine a torch in his ears.

Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work ??

Because it takes too long to retrain them.

What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear ??

A wind tunnel.

Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??

He kept throwing out the W's.

What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head ??

A Space Invader.

UP THR SPURS!!!! :yahoo:

Sorry Anita could'nt resist :)

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Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?". God Replies, "In the next five years"

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Man Utd next win the European Cup?".

I'll The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Tottenham win the Premier League?". God Answers, "I will be dead by then!"

Just before the FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Tottenham, over rated French tosspot David Ginola loses his work permit because he can't do simple maths. Judas George Graham is distraught and calls the FA. "You can't just ship him out like that right before the Final, he's our only decent player, I demand you give him a chance to stay, I'll pay you." The FA decide that they'll give Spurs one last chance, but with a catch. The test will be given in middle of the pitch at Wembley just before kickoff, with every fan in the ground as a witness. If Ginola passes, he plays. If not, he's receives a red card and Spurs start with 10 men. On the day of the Final, the diabolical Spurs management takes out the FA rep assigned to administer the test and replace him with their own stooge. Moments before the kick, the bogus official and Ginola walk to a microphone set up on the pitch. The official asks, "David - what's 7 plus 4?" Ginola sweats for a minute, then answers "11". And 40,000 Tottenham fans jump to their feet and scream "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

(old but still funny :thumbsup: )

Q: Why do so many housewives love Arsenal ?

A: Because they stay on top for ages & then come second......

:thumbsup::lol: :drink:

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Arsenal

The Football Association was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.

'Gentlemen,' he said, 'our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response.

Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical - an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.

However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal! :D

Tottenham Hotspur

A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.

"Well," replies the man, "the Arsenal ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.

You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop. :D

David Beckham

Q. If David Beckham were to become one of the Spice Girls which one would he turnout to be?

A. Waste of Spice!

Q. What is the difference between an aeroplane kit and David Beckham?

A.One is a glueless kit, the other is a clueless git.

Q. What did David Beckham have for breakfast this morning?

A. Who cares.

Q. What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?

A. Both come in a Posh Box.

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.

"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"

"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.

"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless *****."

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work at being an over privileged little creep.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he thinks, "By God, Dave, you're looking good this morning."

He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the kit he's wearing. He enters the kitchen and Posh, his bird, hands him a bowl of corn flakes.

"You're looking fit this morning, Dave," she says.

"To be sure," he replied appreciatively. "I feel good as well."

"But, Dave, you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved.

Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."

He eats his cereal, downs his cup of coffee and sets off for Old Trafford.

"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.

"It's a fine morning, Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good."

"Why, thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Dave, flexing both arms for his benefit.

"But, Dave," winces Alex in disgust, "you smell awful."

More than a bit worried now, Dave visits his doctor.

"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful," says Dave.

The doctor reaches for his medical dictionary. "You look good ," he scans down the page, "you feel great ...but but smell awful. Hmmm yes! Well, it's all quite simple, Dave, all that's wrong with you is that you're a terminal Sh*t! :D

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Q: What's the difference between West Hams goalkeeper and a taxi driver?

A: The taxi driver will only let four in!

Q: Whats the worst thing about Upton park?

A. The seat's face the pitch

A West Hammer fan sauntered past a corner shop and spots a video for sale entitled "West Ham - The Golden Years" Enthused, the supporter asks the shopkeeper "How much for the video mate ?"

"£200 mate" replies the shopkeeper.

"£200 for a video?" says the fan, "Yer having a laugh!"

"Oh no" the shopkeeper replies "The video's only a fiver, but the Betamax player will cost you £195"

Q: How could you kill a West Ham fan when he's drinking?

A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.

This could go on forever :thumbsup:

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Anita, Classics i love the one about the video just fantastic :clapper:

Q: At Highbury, what is the difference between the words “disciplinary” and “football”?

A: “Disciplinary” is the only one associated with the word “action”.

Q: How come Arsenal fans don’t fall asleep during a match?

A: The smell of their ground keeps them awake.

Q: How do you make an Arsenal fan’s eyes light up?

A: Shine a torch in his ears.

Q: How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die?

A: Alone.

Q: How long has Tony Adams played for Arsenal?

A: Donkeys years.

Q: How many Arsenal players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eleven - one to change it and ten to play the offside trap.

Q: What do Arsenal fans do after Arsenal wins the Champions League?

A: They put away their Play Stations.

Q: What do you call 100 Arsenal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?

A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head?

A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi?

A: A burglar.

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?

A: The accused.

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?

A: A cheat.

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?

A: Nice tattoo.

Q: What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job?

A: “Can I have a Big Mac!”

Q: What does a 3 pin plug and Arsenal Football Club have in common?

A: They’re both useless in Europe.

Q: What have Paul Merson and a can of Coca Cola got in common?

A: Their both red and white and full of coke.

Q: What is the difference between an Arsenal fan and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

Q: What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?

A: The tea stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the difference between Paul Merson and a former Arsenal player, surname George?

A: One Charlie shoots, the other shoots Charlie.

Q: What is the difference between Paul Merson and the rest of the Arsenal team?

A: One takes dope and the rest are dopes.

Q: What is the highest selling item in the Arsenal souvenir shop?

A. Pro-plus (sleep repellant).

Q: What is the second highest selling item in the Arsenal souvenir shop?

A: Horlicks.

Q: Where do Arsenal players / fans go on holiday?

A: (Answer needed, apply within).

Q: Where do Arsenal players / fans go to die?

A: (Answer needed, apply within).

Q: Why are Arsenal going to sack Wenger?

A: Because he keeps putting Seaman into the Youth team.

Q: Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory?

A: He kept throwing out the W’s.

Q: Why did God make Arsenal supporters smelly?

A: So blind people could laugh at them too.

Q: Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet?

A: So they know which end to wipe.

Q: Why do Arsenal men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?

A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second.

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal?

A: It saves time.

Q: Why is the pitch at Highbury so green?

A: Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.

Q: Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work?

A: Because it takes too long to retrain them.

Q: You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.

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Guest The Judge aka RED OR DEAD

A thought for you as you rush back to watch the England v Middle East side that the neighbours won't play with.

Take this test to see whether you are indeed England lump Emile Heskey or infact a half-decent player who actually produces the goods that your position requires...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to

beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly

chip the ball over his head into the empty net.

B) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper

and walk the ball confidently into the goal.

c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three

yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy ar5e. Then

it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.

B) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.

c) Would you f*ck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird sh1ts on you

from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.

B) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.

c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.

B) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.

c) "Run"? What the f*ck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of sh1t on a skateboard....?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area.

How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.

B) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.

c) With your ar5e...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from West Ham.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance

ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.

B) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.

c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-ar5ed tw*t.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a

smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely

outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.

B) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.

c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.

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8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your

hulking appearance.

B) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard

dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old

boots.

c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless

tw*t who kept falling flat on his ar5e for no reason as well.

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9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Wigan?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.

B) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in

history.

c) Earthquakes in the Greater Manchester area have increased by 3,000% because

of your great big fat ar5e hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it

and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS:

Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.

Mainly b: Neither are you.

Mainly c: Well done, you are Emile Heskey and you're f*cking crap.

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West Ham January Sale!

FOR SALE:

West Ham TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time - £4:99

West Ham VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action. This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any fan £9:99

West Ham BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg:- "Roeder OUT", "Redknapp OUT", "LET ME OUT" etc.. £15:00

"OUR LITTLE HERO" KEYRINGS - Come complete with model of Billy Bonds (Our Hero) attached. - £0.50p each.

West Ham JOKE BOOK - A MUST for all fans. This 900 page book is full of all the best jokes ever told about the club. - £25:00

West Ham C0NDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG Dowie". Ideal for the pricks in the Bobby Moore Stand. - £0:75p for life-times supply. (3)

West Ham BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes with good support but no cups- £14:99

West Ham 'LADIES' TOWELS - The 'Freddie Kanoute' sanitary towel, complete with instructions, "In for a week, Out for a month". - £1:00 each

KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near the corner flags to catch any shots the lads may have at goal. £8:99

LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality publication gives detailed directions to every 'Nationwide' League Ground in the country. A snip at just £25:00

West Ham LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the Premier League, as worn by the players) £0:99p each

BARGAIN BASEMENT - Don't miss the annual clearance sale of players. These come in all ages, (many are free of charge, spares or repairs)

Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of west ham fans?

A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: Well, they had photos of west ham players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A man desperate at west ham current situation decides to top himself.In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full west ham kit as his last statement.A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.On arrival, the police quickly remove the west ham kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.

The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Q: What do west ham fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a west ham fan?

A: A Rottweiler

There's a rumour that west ham have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.

The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and west ham ?

A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!

Q: What is the difference between west ham and a triangle?

A: A triangle has three points.

there ya go a few more to keep ya smiling cockerkneeboy :thumbsup:

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Anita :clapper:

This could go on for some time :D

Breaking news: Arsenal have confirmed that they are opening up a special zoo in an attempt to pay for their new home and have already assembled some interesting exhibits.

The Seaman Emu (harfwaylinus cocup)

This emu is respected throughout the world for it's legendary protective instincts. However, it is known to flap aimlessly when attacked by any member of the Keano Massivus species.

The Keown Ape (ugliuss bastid)

A primate often found on the fringes of the England team. It's horrendous facial structure has excluded it from acceptance within his community.

The Viera Giraffe (peahead criybabi)

This long gangly creature has an incredibly small head, which contains an even smaller brain which makes it prone to illusions. The Viera Giraffe will often think he's been attacked by other creatures and lets out an ear-piercing whine, when in fact he is the aggressor.

The Bergkamp dodo (parstit yiddophan)

Flightless with a big beak. The Bergkamp Dodo was once a bird that was the envy of anything with two wings. But it developed a revolting red plumage and has since become a non-flying joke as he is so expensive to keep but provides little entertainment value.

The Wenger Vulture (kidee mollstur)

A vile scavenger who prays on the offspring of other creatures, his hooked beak and beady eyes are instantly recognisable. Strangely can be seen to give a cheeky smile if fed with a packet of sweets.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Footballing definitions

Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two

eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.

Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around

Fans: Two sets of abusive referees

Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are

drawn towards.

Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of

any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers

Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal

when he is fed a bad ball

Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty

area

Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.

Sorry was bored and saw this and it made me giggle (i'm easily pleased) :lol: :drink:

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I think the Leicester City owner Milan Mandaric hasnt quite got the hang of `manager of the month` does he not realise you can keep them for a while longer ? ;0) :wacko:

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LIverpool are playing Man Utd away, but the bus crashes on the way to Old Trafford.

The only 2 players fit enough to start are Steven Gerrard and Torres. Everyone else is in hospital. Raffa refuses to the cancel the game and says to the players, keep Torres up front and try to catch them on the break.

At half time Raffa rings Gerrard to see how it's going. " Not bad boss, we're 1-0 up, Torres caught them on the break just like you said."

"Well done" Says raffa, " Now tell Torres to play a bit deeper in the second half to defend our lead"

From his hospital bed, Raffa sees on TV that the game finishes 1-1. He's furious and rings Gerard to give him stick for conceding.

" Sorry boss," says Gerard " But Torres went off injured after 60 minutes, we still would have been ok, but I got sent of 10 minutes from time"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O-RB9a4Wok

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  • 2 weeks later...

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.

US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off

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