Porthleven 4 Foxhole 0

[Darin Morse]

Porthleven 4 Foxhole 0

Wednesday 22nd August 2007

Foxhole endured a torrid start in the new league after being completely outplayed by an altogether slicker home outfit, somehow limiting the damage to four goals, mainly due to an excellent second-half display by Ryan Holland. The Foxes were so slow in comparison that if the match had instead been a 100 metre sprint, the official time-keepers could have used calendars instead of stopwatches.

I'd forgotten just how far Porthleven was, and, after encountering seemingly every slow moving vehicle vehicle of Tresillian (possibly being driven by some of our team), I was starving by the time I eventually pulled into the harbour (quite literally, as my SatNav said that the sea was actually a road). So high was the water level around my wheel rims, I thought I'd actually reached what used to be Gloucester, but the overpowering smell of pasties cooked early that morning reassured me.

Of the many highly reputable pasty shops I could have chosen to ease my hunger, I opted for one that doesn't actually exist. Its interior was covered with a thin layer of dust; alarmingly, so too was the rotund woman (if indeed it was a woman) behind the counter, who was so ugly she must have been pulling seriously contorted faces when the wind unexpectedly changed.Her thick black moustache suggested that the badge on her ash covered apron should proclaim "My Name is Earl"; I wondered just what offences she had committed in a previous life for Karma to decree that she should look like a victim of a botched suicide attempt with a shotgun in this one.

The pasties on display were all a delicate and worrying shade of green, but at least she didn't charge me extra for the mould that was visibly growing all over the large steak one which she handed me though disconcertingly nicotine stained fingers. I inspected it from below, my arms outstretched in the manner of a bomb disposal expert confronted with an unexploded device, before attempting a bite. However bad it tasted, I comforted myself with the thought that at least I'd wouldn't get indigestion, as I'd never get it down fast enough for that.

As I rushed off to find a toilet, the place was full of people ambling around in the August sunshine.. Many of their faces indicated the pasty shop owner was merely part of an extended family all happily living locally, and it was at that point that I recalled reading in a library book entitled "Britain's Naff Villages" that Porthleven was twinned with Royston Vasey.

Lawrence opened the scoring within six minutes, his 20 yard drive being misjudged by Holland, and the diminutive winger went on to run the show with his speed and clever use of the vast wide areas, aided, it must be said, by an inability of the Foxes to get anywhere near him. It was a failing that many of Lawrence's team-mates were also quick to exploit; in particular, right back Hollands, whose sorties up the wing provided numerous chances. One of his shots was cleared off the line by Hill (too often required to cover for the out of sorts Meens) while a deep cross was headed over by Steve Brewer before Hollands floated in a corner just before the break for Howlett to rise unchallenged and head home.

Foxhole's defence, missing Bullock and Dillon, were being pulled all over the place, while their midfield unfortunately didn't look up to it. Consequently, while Taylor was only sporadically threatened by the increasingly isolated Ames and Hill, it was only a matter of time before Port increased their advantage.

Possibly in sympathy for our plight, Howlett and Lawrence each twice wasted good opportunities, while Holland brilliantly denied Rogers and Mike Brewer amongst others before saving Westgarth's spot-kick on 70, after Mark Rowe had harshly been penalised for hands. Two minutes earlier, Steve Brewer had made it 3-0 from close range after more shadow chasing by the beleagured visitors. Adam Rowe's desperate block then prevented Howlett from adding his second, but substitute Winnan duly notched the fourth in added time after Holland had smothered Thirkle's initial effort.

I couldn't wait to get away, as my trip to the seaside had been singularly dismal. I smiled wryly to myself, however, when I passed a road sign on my way home which said "You are now leaving Porthleven - well done."

Foxhole(3-5-2): Ryan Holland 7; Mark Rowe 6, Adam Rowe 5, David Grose 5 (sub.Dexter Lawrence 5); Daniel Meens 5, Jason Warne 6, Richard Fairclough 5, Steve Panter 5 (sub.Liam Nicholls 5), Andrew May 5 (sub.Matthew Lean 5); Liam Ames 5, Scott Hill 6.

Porthleven(4-4-2): Steve Taylor; Mark Hollands (sub.Steve Winnan), Martin Day, Scott Rogers, Jamie Burr; Kevin Lawrence, Jamie Thirkle, Hugh Howlett, Mike Brewer; Andrew Westgarth (sub. Ben Medlin), Steve Brewer (sub.Paul Ainscough).

Referee: Mr Ben Lugg (Cury 7)

Linesmen: Mr Len Stevens (Penzance) and Mr Paul Christmas (Truro

[cornishteddyboy]

Brilliant report as usual Darren.

[Mike Odgers]

Very amusing Darin -at least you are 40 miles away from any backlash from the people of Port.

Consider it a moral victory you have probably played the SWPL(W) title favourites in an evening game away from home(your toughest match out of the way).

Porthleven who should be in the Premier Division recently gave Falmouth a 3-0 roasting down there.

[truros mr mourinho]

for someone who comes from shithole,soory foxhole,you seen to dislike,portleven,as well as st agnes,and you being a male model,seem to thing evey body outside of foxhole are ugly,take it from me far from it,why so personal :angry:

[Nanks]

No need to get so touchy Mr M!!

[Paparazzi]

Darin:

Dare i say your actually anything to do with Foxhole rather than just a supporter cos you dont have any respect for porthleven, or is it just sour grapes because you lost, If porthleven came to foxhole and lost the last thing you could ever expect was a shitty report about the crap shops that foxhole have.

Be careful what you put on here in the future about other teams when you lose as you could find yourself in trouble.

I dont think Foxhole would appreciate what you have put on here about Porthleven so dont go ruining it for them.

[Spider]

Funniest thing I've read in ages!! Paps don't take it so personal!!

I think Darin should have his own Sub Forum, shall I start a poll?!!!!!!!!!!

[Lafs]

Darin....brilliant!

Just like a newspaper or any other report, article or opinion, you are fully entitled to freedom of speech.

As long as you are always prepared for a possible backlash in return, then you carry on. Thats what I say!

And in the process you bring a huge amount of humour to the site. :clapper:

[King Kenny 7]

:clapper: :clapper:

[Guest Peppermint]

Yes - a brilliant tongue in cheek report as usual by Darin. It is called writers licence. I am sure Darin would be quite happy if someone from Porthleven with a sense of humour wrote a similar report when Porthleven visited Foxhole.

I am sure there was no disrespect intended by Darin and I can recall he did a very similar one about Liskeard and other towns and villages.

I am sure it was not sour grapes because he slates his own team quite a bit in the report.

For goodness sake Paparazzi stop moaning and accept the report for what it is - a very funny report that is enjoyed by many people on the Forum. I presume you are concerned because it is about your Club but I repeat that it was not meant to offend I am sure. Papparzzi - you are quite often coming onto the Forum and telling people to stop moaning so please accept the report for what it is.

I am sure when Foxhole come to Newquay Darin will have a good deal to say about Newquay and I am sure will be very funny as usual. Keep up the good work Darin - most of enjoy your reports.

[truros mr mourinho]

Yes - a brilliant tongue in cheek report as usual by Darin. It is called writers licence. I am sure Darin would be quite happy if someone from Porthleven with a sense of humour wrote a similar report when Porthleven visited Foxhole.

I am sure there was no disrespect intended by Darin and I can recall he did a very similar one about Liskeard and other towns and villages.

I am sure it was not sour grapes because he slates his own team quite a bit in the report.

For goodness sake Paparazzi stop moaning and accept the report for what it is - a very funny report that is enjoyed by many people on the Forum. I presume you are concerned because it is about your Club but I repeat that it was not meant to offend I am sure. Papparzzi - you are quite often coming onto the Forum and telling people to stop moaning so please accept the report for what it is.

I am sure when Foxhole come to Newquay Darin will have a good deal to say about Newquay and I am sure will be very funny as usual. Keep up the good work Darin - most of enjoy your reports.

you say most enjoy his reports.what proof have you of this,there might be MOST people that are offended,but only read the reports but dont reply,so 3 people and stig dont cont as MOST. :angry:

[Gillsy]

I like them even the one about my club (St Agnes) was very funny. Keep it up Darin :clapper:

[truros mr mourinho]

I like them even the one about my club (St Agnes) was very funny. Keep it up Darin

SORRY 4 AND STIG :clapper:

[Gillsy]

SORRY 4 AND STIG

[Dudas]

Make it five!

That was class! Only thing is Darin you better watch out for a police investigation now for being politically incorrect!

The lack of a sense of humour sometimes on this site is stupid! Its only comments on an internet forum! A bit of fun! :thumbsup:

[truros mr mourinho]

Make it five!

That was class! Only thing is Darin you better watch out for a police investigation now for being politically incorrect!

The lack of a sense of humour sometimes on this site is stupid! Its only comments on an internet forum! A bit of fun!

YES YOUR RIGHT ,ONLY COMMENTS,BUT NO NEED TO BE SO PERSONAL. :P

[Hakey]

lighten up will u. its ment in good humour thats all. some people really have no sense of humour!