Liverpool's Olympic Bid

[Goldeneye]

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER

The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING

From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

BOXING

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL

The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

RELAY

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

DISCUS

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

GRAFFITI

To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

BASEBALL

Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

CLOSING CEREMONY

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.