Goldeneye

Football can't start here yet, Older hasn't had enough time to get his pitch ready!!

I thought the arrows were to remind the Penryn players which way they're playing!

Haven't seen anything about the signings on Sky Sports!

Any truth in the rumour that Older is going to release a record? I've heard it's going to be a remake of Tom Jones hit The Green, Green Grass of Home.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

Older has spent so much time on the pitch down Penryn that he has gone crazy. He's been hearing voices in his shed!

I agree. Before football starts again clubs will off-load average players they have and replace them with other average players!

I needed a password with eight characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Brian only went into his local pub once a year, on New Years Eve. He would always drink 3 pints, one for himself and the other two on behalf of his two brothers who live in Australia. However last year he only ordered two pints. Has one of your brother died asked the landlord. No said Brian, but I've become teetotal!!

I was walking past a building site recently and saw a couple of guys at the top of some very high scaffolding. All of a sudden the youngest of the guys ran along the boards and jumped off and hurt himself badly on the concrete below. When his mate came down I asked him what happened. 'I don't know' he said, 'we were just talking about the 2nd World War and how my grandad flew in wellingtons'.

Jethro was stopped by the Traffic Police and asked to go around to the back of his car. Your side lights are not working said the Policeman. Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, but your brake lights are not working. Once again Jethro gave them a kick and they came on. Very good said the Policeman, now let's see if you can go around to the front of the car and kick up a tax disc!!

As they lived in identical houses Dave asked Bob how many rolls of wallpaper he bought to do his lounge. 5 said Bob. After he did his lounge Dave told Bob that he had 2 rolls left over. Yes, so did I said Bob!

In Liverpool Police saw a docks worker kicking a tortoise. When asked why he was doing it he replied 'because it's been following me around all day'.

Won't be long before older is head-hunted to be in charge of the pitch at Wembley and the courts at Wimbledon!!!

You could offer to make the tea Tom!